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Original poster

Is it pointless to save discipline for "when we get home"

60 replies

thornrose · 25/03/2008 22:42

My dd 8yo is often very angry in the mornings (she has Aspergers but feel this isn't especially relevant here).
We have days where we walk to school with her muttering, swearing quietly at me, refusing to hold my hand etc etc.
We just need to get to school so I walk along doing my best to ignore it but threaten "when we get home" no tv, no computer time etc. Once we get home many hours later and she's sweetness and light again it seems inappropriate to punish her so long after the fact.
I'm not actually the pushover I'm coming across as but it's one aspect of her behaviour I just don't have a clue how to deal with! Anyone willing to say what they would do in this situation?

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avenanap · 25/03/2008 22:51

I wouldn't leave it as children "forget" what they are being told off for if the action has occured hours ago. My ds is a bit like this, I turn to him, make him look me in the eye then I just tell him that this behaviour is not acceptable, that it really upsets me and that I want him to stop. I do occasionally have a shout. Some children react better when they are touched on the shoulder as they are being spoken to. I gave my ds the telling off of a lifetime a couple of weeks ago after he was rude to a neighbour, it went along the lines of I was disgusted and ashamed by the way he had chosen to behave and I was deeply embarassed by how he had spoken to her. He sat and cried, then he decided to go and apologise to her. It worked a treat. He's been lovely to everyone he's met ever since. Just remember to punish the behaviour, not the child (if you know where I am coming from). Try turning around to her and saying this.

perpetualworrier · 25/03/2008 22:52

Sorry I know nothing about Aspergers, but at 8 does she need to hold your hand.

I realised recently that DS1 (just 7) was the only one in his class being made to hold hands on the way to school, so I've had to let him go . I've found there was no reason not to really , as he's been very sensible. If your DD doesn't have to hold your hand, then you can walk away from her a bit, so you dont't hear the muttering and therefore, it has no effect?

Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 22:55

You know what, simple as that sounds it's one thing I dont't do! I assume she knows how wrong/upsetting it is but I've never got down eye to eye and told her.
As we're in the street as it were I don't yell but in all honesty I really really want too sometimes. I agree 100% with the punishing the behaviour, one for me to remember!!

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Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 22:57

I only hold her hand when crossing roads (lots on way to school) as she's a bit of a dawdler. Sounds like I drag her by the hand all the way to school, lol!!

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avenanap · 25/03/2008 23:03

I have to explain to my ds what he's done and what the consequences are or he just does not get it (some of the time). Kids at school do things and he copies them. He went on a trip a couple of months ago and called a woman a nutter because he thought it ment strange (the other children at school had told them this, we have never used this term at home). His teacher was really mad, ds told me about it, I had to explain that he basically said the woman was mad and it would have really upset her. He went quiet and said he was sorry, he should never have said it. he's not used it since. It can be really hard for them. Sometimes you have to state the obvious.

avenanap · 25/03/2008 23:04

There are ways of dealing with dawdlers . Is she competitive?

lucharl · 25/03/2008 23:05

thornrose, have you tried offering a reward of some sort for walking nicely to school? maybe a treat which you get after a week or something? it's horrible having to take things away so long after the event and it can't be that nice a way to leave each other.

is she getting enough sleep? my dd is vile in the morning when she doesnt!

Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:06

She's not particularly competitive? Willing to try anything though (me that is, not sure about her!)

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lucharl · 25/03/2008 23:07

how about using a scooter or bike to get to school?

Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:10

lucharl, this is often sleep related as she's a light unsettled sleeper bless her. Sometimes I give her hugs and I acknowledge she's tired and try really hard to diffuse the situation which can work.
I'm often left feeling strangely humiliated that I am unable to stop my child from behaving so badly. If I saw it on a child behaviour type programme I'd wonder why the hell someone would put up with it

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Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:11

Sadly wheels and dd are a match made in hell!

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avenanap · 25/03/2008 23:12

First person to spot ... a dog? two street signs? whatever is on the route. You could try using a stopwatch to time who the first person to the end of the road, then the next. Is there a friend that she can race to school? I distract my ds by playing my granny went to the hospital (remember this? it used to be granny went to the market but we have more fun giving her diseases). He used to be a slow coach, I turned it into a race and now he beats me.

Hand holding: Have you tried telling her that you are only doing it because your hand is cold? My ds is also 8, he will only hold my hand if he thinks it is cold because it's not cool to hold your mums hand over the age of 6 .

windygalestoday · 25/03/2008 23:15

I just had a little thought.......what about if you told her before you went to school what you expected behaviourwise and if she gets to school with minimal fuss then she gets a sticker and on the way home a sticker mean a reward? 10 mins in the park(haha if u can stick to 10 mins you are a stronger mum than me)or a pencil or something if she knew she was working towards something she wanted maybe that would act as an incentive? what about walking with another family??

Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:17

Great ideas, might distract from the awful behaviour nicely too, potentially I could get 2 birds with one stone so to speak! She would LOVE diseases, channel some of that anger
I need to drop the hand holding when she's angry, it's a bit like someone trying to hug you when you're mad at them. Writing these things down is getting it all in perspective.

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Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:21

Windy (hope you don't mind me calling you that ) I think I do need to establish ground rules and talk about it when we're both calm and relaxed. Also when we have lovely walks to school (which we thankfully do) I should give her lots of praise for that! Rewards are good, loving pencils and stickers, hating parks

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lucharl · 25/03/2008 23:21

agree with windygales about offering incentive. obviously this doesn't really work once the bad behaviour has started but if you talk about it before it's something to aim for.

not comparing your eminently reasonable punishment in any way but my ex used to describe the way his mum would tell him in the morning that he was going to get a beating when he got home and make him wait all day to get it... and then, when they got home and he was hoping she had forgotten she would lock the door and dish it out

imagine having that hanging over you all day!

Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:24

lucharl, you're right, and also the threatened punishment rarely happens, it's just me giving off loads of hot air. I am hearing shades of "just wait till we bloody get home" or worse "wait till your bloody dad gets home"!!

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Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:26

It's because I feel unable to deal with it in public, there and then, whilst rushing to get to school! Next time you see a muttering, red faced woman dragging a muttering, swearing, red faced child to school give us a wave

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avenanap · 25/03/2008 23:26

What is she doing that irritates you? (besides the not holding hands, the swearing under her breath), is there anything that sets this off?

Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:31

I feel a bit too ashamed if I'm honest to tell you just how badly she behaves once she's "gone off on one". What sets it off is her anger and frustration with the world, herself and just waking up in a bad mood sometimes!

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avenanap · 25/03/2008 23:37

Don't feel ashamed. I've probably seen worse. I worked for a very short time in a special needs school with some 'lovely' children who kept trying to pull my hair out. What makes her frustrated? What makes her angry? Tell me about it and I'll see if I can help. No promises though.

Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:42

Here we go, she tries to hit me with her school bag, she calls me vile names, she says horrible personal things about/to me. She smirks when she senses me getting angry or upset.
She struggles socially at school, she has high anxiety levels and this awful anger. On the other hand when not angry she is loving, funny and bloody adorable, thank goodness!

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Original poster
thornrose · 25/03/2008 23:48

avenanap, thanks so much for listening, I just noticed the time, I'm off to bed, don't want to be grumpy in the morning I'll check thread tomorrow for any helpful suggestions!

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avenanap · 25/03/2008 23:48

Is she very bright by any chance? Is there any reason for this anger (problems at home/school except for the social problems)? Are you getting any professional support?

windygalestoday · 25/03/2008 23:51

thorny i dont mind at all you callin me windy im actually thinking she might not be any worse thn ny other child going to school in a morning and maybe its an endurance test for us mums??? lol