DS (6) is to see psychologist because we think he's depressed! :(

[Toothache]

He's been struggling at school and they've started diagnostic tests for ADD (definitely not hyperactive... opposite in fact). He daydreams to the point of doing absolutely nothing all day at school.

I'm completely stressed out since my split with H nearly 2 years ago. I shout ALL the time.... I'm a real monster mum sometimes. To the point that ds is scared of me.

I try not to, but I get home at 6 every night and dd (3.5) and ds argue and are narky. I lose the rag too quickly!!!! I feel like a complete horror.

But for some reason ds is starting to have proper anxiety episodes. he keeps asking me if I'm going to disappear. His father assaulted me shortly before his 5th birthday and disappeared for 5 months. No contact at all despite my efforts. He now sees them once a week although not regular days.... just when he feckin feels like it.

Anyway ds was crying after I gave him a row for leaving his dvds out. His reaction worried me to tears. He said he didn't think he was the boy I dreamed of having and he was scared I was going to make him live somewhere else. I have NEVER said that too him! I always tell him I love him, but realise that it's usually said in the context "I love you so much sweetie,but you've got to stop teasing your sister" etc etc etc.

Anyway, he's not sleeping, gets up during the night asking me things like who will look after him if all his family die. And last night he climbed into bed at 1am shaking saying he was scared he would have to rake the bins to get food if I disappeared. WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?

How can I help him? is there anything else I can do whilst we wait the 2 months for his appointment???? I'm telling him all the time how much I love him and that I'm going nowhere.

Has anyone else been through this?

Also, I get suffer from anxiety attacks. All since ds was born and I had PND. Could I have caused all this???????

I'm sure they will tell you this when you see the psych. It is common for children to experience death anxiety as its around that age that they get a concept of death and/or of being left. Even without the trauma of his dad going and coming back it would be normal.

Lots of reassurance, talk gently about death in whatever way makes you feel comfortable (everyone experiences death anxiety at different points in their life), you didnt say if you were religious or anything.

Talk in general about death, I'm sorry i don't know any specific childrens books about death but hopefully someone will come along with a specific. For adults (and it may give you some ideas) Irvin yalom has just released his tract on death anxiety, "staring at the sun". It may help.

Hth

Oh Toothy, my heart goes out to you. Sadly my dd's father comitted suicide a year ago and this had a terrible impact on my ds who is 7. I was so wrapped up in getting counselling for dd that I completely overlooked ds, and me a trainee counsellor!

You know, we do the best we can, I'm not being patronising, it's true. I have an appt made with a play therapist for ds, so I will keep you posted but just wanted to reasure you that your not alone.

this sounds very hard for you. very very good that you have asked for help for him. are you still getting support for your own anxiety?

You have not caused all this Take that idea right out your head, it will not help to beat yourself up about this. It really, really won't. Please go very easy on yourself.

You sound like you're a great, caring, sensitive and lovely mother

Oh bless him. This isn't your fault Toothy. You've all been through hell and it sounds like your ds is still (understandably) feeling very wobbly about it all - and if he's a sensitive thing is also picking up on your anxiety.

Lots of telling him you love him and how wonderful he is. Treats for no reason at all and lots of reassurance.

Ds1 is a sensitive soul and likes to know exactly what's going on each day - it might help your ds if every morning, you talk about the day - even if it's just going to school, home for tea, bath, bed etc - so it reinforces that the usual routine of life is always there.

Good luck xxx

Aw darlin' it's not your fault.

My dd is 6 & asks about death too. She asked me what age my mam would die at & I said she wasn't ill, why would she die? She said everyone must die sometime & that she would miss her when she died

I know what you mean about them fighting... my ds is 3 & they can bicker about anything & everything.

I recall when dd was about 4 she went through a bad phase, I had to have the HV out here with me for a few days to help me get on the right track... the HV told me I told dd I loved her too often!

I feel crap offering advice seeing as I have a thread about my 2 fighting all day but have you tried rewards if they have behaved? Counting for him to put the dvds away?

I am reading these replies and am in tears on the phone to my friend. Thank you all so much for not making me feel like the worst parent in the world.

hang in there. x

Oh shit, they were supposed to be hugs without being simpery ones. Hang on, ((((((Toothy))))) x

Mhamai - I can't begin to understand how hard his suicide must have been.

I think you're doing the right thing in keeping on reassuring him that you love him and that you're going nowhere.

Do you know, if this was me I would want two things:

To get some counselling for me so that I could talk through with a trained and independent person, what has happened in the last few years

And to have some help in the house with the children from somewhere like Homestart. To help give a fresh perspective, fresh ideas on dealing with the kids, and to just support you with the hard job of parenting.

You have a child under five so Homestart (Sure Start?) should be able to help. You may be able to get someone to help you cope with those flashpoints like early evening.

It is SO hard to do this on your own and SO tiring...you are doing a grand job by just doing it and being there every day.

I think the main thing that stands out from your post is that it would benefit your ds and enable him to feel a bit more secure, if you can stop getting so angry. Hopefully your GP could refer you for a short course of counselling and you could start to see if there's any help out there for you to give you some strategies.

For the moment I would say just to really pick your battles. Try to enjoy your boy - make him a mate, do things as a team, and remember that boys his age have a fantastic sense of humour and love to laugh......

good luck

Toothy, hang on in there, a very good friend of mine was told that their DS was depressed, they had all the normal tests etc and they only found him a small amount, but realised he had other issues(nothing major, but still needed work!)

Toothy, I lost my mum to a sudden death nine years ago and trust me that was traumatic but this was like a bomb going off under me. To want to protect our kids is a natural instinct and yet I felt utterly powerless.

It's been a bloody hard year, make no mistake. I've had to deferr my degree until next year and the stress alone of trying to keep up with college near broke me at times.

But and it's a big but, in the bigger scheme of things it's only a small part of the bigger picture. I'm not saying my life is all fine and dandy now, far from it but, we do get the strenght to muddle through.

You have taken a huge step with your op and you have really helped me! I know it's easier said than done but try not to be too hard on yourself. The sun really does come through after the rain and fwiw your ds sounds like a beautiful sensitive little boy.

No real advice from me, but just wanted to post that my dd2 who is 8 is having exactly the same problems with a fear of either me dying and leaving her alone, or her dying and being dead and on her own.

I also split with my ex 2 years ago, and I think this is related to how she is feeling as she did once say that if daddy could leave then that means I could too.

Don't blame yourself, you do a hard job, and things are bound to go wrong sometimes along the way.

I'm getting no help for my anxiety. And that is wrong wrong wrong... because I have been through PND and came out stronger. I was on MN advocating getting help and when I was pregnant with my dd I did everything I needed to get the support so it didn't happen againand it didnt.

Yet I'm here now. high BP due to stress (although after buying a monitor it's actually normal while I'm at work!) I have clammy palms constantly...churning stomach...can't sleep unless I'm hungover, drunk or utterly exausted!

I KNOW the symptoms only too well. I've educated myself well. My excuse is that I have no time for counselling. It's lame. But it's true. I support us financially.... I'm self employed so no paid time off. I'm clutching at straws here. But I know I need help with ds and my relationship.

I'm the life and soul of a party...the person my friends look on as the one that coped with so much and STILL shines through. Still held onto my job/house/career and can bake fairy cakes on a Saturday.

Mother of year......NOT. they don't see it and I don't know how to show it without feeling weak.

Your advice is fab and I love MN.

Oh bless you! not sure what to say!

Oh bless you! not sure what to say!

oh toothy, i think that you getting help would help ds enormously (not that you're to blame for how he is) - would help wrt shouting, etc and reduce tension for you all.

i don't know if it helps at all but i remember feeling acutely aware -and scared- of death when i was quite young and i turned out -ahem- ok

i used to fret like mad when my mum went over to a neighbour's house (literally opposite us) and worry that she'd die before she got back and i really don't knw what set me off.

Who is they toothy? Honestly woman, I could be easily singing from the same hymn sheet and I AM in counselling. Fuck the fairy cakes! Not literally but please stop being so hard on yourself.

Sorry to say this but I went through similar and my eldest DD was absolutely knocked out by it all (eg asking me what it meant to be happy, not fitting in at all in school, behaving bizarrely when friends were around)

You are properly depressed and you need help so that you recognise you are doing a good job but that you don't need to be super mum: get help for yourself and then see how your DS is: you've had 2 DCs, PND and exP who's not engaged. No-one can deal with all this and a job and not have a valve that needs to be released occasionally. In years to come your DS will be wonderfully sensitive and a great friend but right now you need help to be happy in yourself and that will have a massive impact on him.

Three years ago I never would have believed the impact a mother's psycholgical health would have on a child but I've seen it in my own home (& at least some of my depression was triggered by my uncle's tragic death when I was 2 and so especially close to my mum who had to deal with her own grief, that of my grandparents and a dodgy marriage and 3 small kids).

It's not your fault but it is your responsibility, both to yourself and your DS: get counselling for yourself and then see how he is.

At the end of the day, I presume you want to enjoy rather than endure your kids and it really is not unreasonable to get help from professionals.

Good luck

They are my friends/family...
I do tell them I've having a hard time. but I think they just think I'm fiiiiine. I'm always fine in their eyes. I don't fall apart at parties when i'm drunk, I don't turn into an emotional cripple at the first sign of a big trauma in my life. I get on with it. But they don't see.... and I don't want them to.

I don't view myself as depressed as such. i'm not like I was. I've been to that hopeless place with PND and I'm not there at all! i have grand plans for the future I see alot of positive things that I just didn't in the depths of PND. That was 5 years ago now.

But I know that doesn't mean I'm not needing help. Going to bed now as ds has just come downstairs asking why I'm not in bed yet.

Thank you all for the support and advice. I need to get help for ds AND me. Just easier to get him the support first. I'll book my appointment on monday.