DS (6) is to see psychologist because we think he's depressed! :(

[Toothache]

He's been struggling at school and they've started diagnostic tests for ADD (definitely not hyperactive... opposite in fact). He daydreams to the point of doing absolutely nothing all day at school.

I'm completely stressed out since my split with H nearly 2 years ago. I shout ALL the time.... I'm a real monster mum sometimes. To the point that ds is scared of me.

I try not to, but I get home at 6 every night and dd (3.5) and ds argue and are narky. I lose the rag too quickly!!!! I feel like a complete horror.

But for some reason ds is starting to have proper anxiety episodes. he keeps asking me if I'm going to disappear. His father assaulted me shortly before his 5th birthday and disappeared for 5 months. No contact at all despite my efforts. He now sees them once a week although not regular days.... just when he feckin feels like it.

Anyway ds was crying after I gave him a row for leaving his dvds out. His reaction worried me to tears. He said he didn't think he was the boy I dreamed of having and he was scared I was going to make him live somewhere else. I have NEVER said that too him! I always tell him I love him, but realise that it's usually said in the context "I love you so much sweetie,but you've got to stop teasing your sister" etc etc etc.

Anyway, he's not sleeping, gets up during the night asking me things like who will look after him if all his family die. And last night he climbed into bed at 1am shaking saying he was scared he would have to rake the bins to get food if I disappeared. WHERE IS THIS COMING FROM?

How can I help him? is there anything else I can do whilst we wait the 2 months for his appointment???? I'm telling him all the time how much I love him and that I'm going nowhere.

Has anyone else been through this?

Toothy, I don't have cat and credit cards, I'm useless that way but I'll grab a mate that has a card, pay my subs and send you on my e mail if you want. You have been very brave tonight. Thinking of you. Btw, can totally relate to you in terms of family and friends. Hang in there. Nite nite x

oh toothy, it's not your fault, but you can help fix it. He sounds like a very sensitive soul. This can be really great, but, it can also be like this. He feels things deeply, has a heightened sense of awareness of everything and obviously has a strong focus on consequences.

He could also be feeding off of your anxieties (not suggesting this as a means of blame), but if he's really sensitive, it's quite likely he's feeling it from you.

You do need to get yourself some help. You know already that you need to stop the shouting (I've done the shouting thing lots myself so I know it's easily done). You've all been through a lot, so give yourself a break. Admitting you need help takes a great deal of strength. It doesnt mena you are weak at all.

Hi Toothy - sorry to hear that things are so crap

I think that you need someone to care for you a bit - mother you - wrap you up and reassure you that things are going to be okay.

I imagine is is pretty hard to be mother, father, chief cook and bottle washer, breadwinner etc etc etc to your children, with no support at all. I think what you are asking of yourself is too much - beyond superdom.

Nevertheless, the shouting has to stop - you are going to have to find some way of changing that - probably posting here and admitting there is a problem is a first step. Getting yourself some proper counseling would be a good second step, imo.

Your wee one will be better for talking it out too, and hopefully this will give him a chance to explore his feelings in a safe environment too.

But please, please cut your self some slack - you are holding your family together and you should be proud of yourself for that

Hi folks. Thank you so much for this.

Had a fab day today with the kids. My Mum came over and we took the kids to park, then for cakes and coffee... then tesco... then home. The difference in my reaction was so notable coz I had another adult with me to help. Ds was like a different boy! Really confident in the park... even the ring leader in "operation roundabout" lol.

So a mixture of no work/school and having another adult with me allowed me to behave like a Mum and not a Regiment Leader!!!

But... this was really a one off. Both my Mum and me having a day off during the week is very rare.

The stresses in my life aren't going to change.... can I really help myself?

Sorry if this has been suggested already but can you not attend some parenting classes to help you stip taking your frustrations out on your kids and better manage their feelings?

I know you love them and feel terrible, but he needs the secirity of a secure mum. You have to take steps to give that to him - all of you. I hope you can get some help.

And is it hormonal - ad's can help with that just.

I went on ad's because I thought I owed it to DS not to turn into my mother who's constantly denied depression damaged us all.

sorry, dont; want to sound unsympathetic, just typing between sick Ds cuddles.

There is a very good chance he can get over this - he is so young - all of you.

Try to find out whi is putting these thoughts into his head. Does his dad have any other people with him during access or do you think he might be planting these seeds?

Thanks MT - parenting classes would really help but seriously I don't have a minute to myself. I struggle for someone to watch the kids for 1 hour a week to let me have a driving lesson.

It's not hormonal... I've got the mirena coil fitted so either I have no pmt.... or permanent pmt! lol

I might go down the route of asking for less hours at work...although that's a long shot. I'm a self employed consultant. I'll see if they'll let me leave work even just an hour earlier so I'm home in the house with the kids by 5 instead of 6. Although I don't know if me spending more time with them is really going to be good for them right now!

Homestart may be an option.

Mt - H has lived with his gf for over a year now. She seems to be a good influence. He's so crap at sticking to any arrangements, he even missed ds's parents night on Monday coz he "forgot". I sometimes make the arrangements with her instead of him! I really don't think they are saying anything to him.

And you don't sound unsympathetic at all. Practical.

I need to hear these things...I'm a big girl, so thank you.

I NEED to reduce the stress in my life.

Here's the up and coming things that will help me:

1. Passing my driving test!! HUGE differnce to me.

2. ds getting some professional help with his emotions while I'm trying to help myself too.... somehow.

3. Getting the feckin divorce through and the financial settlement out the way. (H wants money from me and I've no idea how much...that makes me lose sleep regularly)

4. H finally arranging regular access set days. >ok this one is a fantasy it seems<

5. Having a holliday with my friend and her ds in April.

I'm talking to myself now.... lol

so

6. posting on MN! this is helping.

Toothy - I hesitate slightly to suggest this, but my brother was quite anxious as a child and my mum used to give him those Kalms tablets, which did honestly seem to help (almost certainly partly placebo effect). Rescue Remedy would possibly do similar?

Branshott - that's genius! I hadn't even thought of trying any herbal things. I have tried them sucessfully myself. In fact, my GP recommended Sepia for my PND which I took for 6 months!

OOOOOO that's No 7 on my list. thank you!

Kalms night time really help me sleep. And valerian tea.

No, good plans.

But maybe think abotu taking AD's (SSRI's) for the short term if anger and over reactivness is a problem?

I nknow there is a stigma about them stil (but actually depending on how honest your friends are too) but they do hel you get over 'humps' - they aren;t a cure all but the defo help you address problems better.

And nobody (except us on here) need know!

And if they don't help you by 3-4 weeks you just stop taking them.

Hi again, It sounds as if you've a very tough time right now and concepts like blame, PND, parenting courses, self help etc not necessarily desperately helpful.

My story is that I too always "got on with it", was a coper and everyone remarked on how amazingly competent I was at juggling working 15 hour days (five a fortnight) with 3 kids under 4 etc And I thought I did just "get on with it". Then we moved so I had no job, needed to find house, school, preschool, was living near family for first time in years and again I was fantastic at getting on with it. But I was getting more and more irritable and was especially so with DCs and eldest really picked up on it. Eldest children are frequently especially attuned to mother's feelings and so it was with mine. It was when I realised quite how much she was struggling and how low she was ("Mum, what's it like to be happy?" aged 7 is a mild example) that I realised I needed help to help her. I used think her unhappiness and mine were unrelated but they weren't: hers fed off mine.

PND is a specific condition while what you are experiencing now is a completely understandable reaction to the changes you've been through. A bottle of wine with friends will only go so far and your mother helping just means you get to come up for air: both will help stop you falling under but you need professional help to enjoy life again and have fun with your DCs. Please make it a priority to seek dispassionate professional therapeutic help for yourself and then see how you are a bit down the line: you owe it to yourself and your kids. Parenting courses can be great but it seems the issue is much more than learning new techniques. Likewise, ADs are good for specific chemical imbalances but you arereacting as a human being to an extraordinary set of circumstances and so need a human reaction to these changes that comes from someone with no personal vested interest in you

My circumstances and yours are obviously radically different but my experience has shown me that being strong and "just getting on with it" isn't actually always for the best and sometimes those of us who survive through sheer determination find it most difficult to accept help: it's not weak to do it.

I hope this isn't too prescriptive but reading your posts just reminded me so much of my own experience.

Good luck!

Simiantrousers - I've tried AD's 3 times now (PND). I know there isn't any stigma. I'm the one person in my group of friends and family that fully admits being prescribed them and have helped many of my friends realise they need them. And have seen how it's helped. How ironic????

However, the 3 times in 6 years that I've been prescribed them I've managed 2 nights.

Each time I get SO dizzy I can't function!!! seriously.... I was told to take them at 9pm.... by half 9 I couldn't get off the sofa. Didn't feel normal again until teatime and then i was contemplating taking another?? Couldn't do it. I think I have a rather extreme reaction to them. I do not get paid for time off work... I don't have any other income and still have to pay all the bills for the matrimonial home. I couldn't afford to take time off to wean myself onto them.

Am I the only person that has this reaction?

Wow pofaced - thank you. You're right. These little gestures do just let me come up for air for a moment.

toothache, you've had some fab replies already, so won't try and say too much more.
but have you read "how to talk so kids will listen..."
it's really, really been helping me with talking to ds, who is very sensitive and worries a lot

hope the psychologist can help, and that you can get some help and rest yourself

oh, how odd. They obvioulsy don;t suit you then!

Perhaps you could phone the psychologist's secretary to see if s/he has a cancellation? My mother was a consultant and always tells us to do this as she had so many people cancel. The secretary could phone you if she knows you are willing to take an appointment at short notice. Get the name of the psychologist and phone the hospital and ask to speak to Dr x's secretary.

Thanks finger woman.

Simian - I know... I KNOW they help. And I know they would help me eventually. I actually have a full pack in my kitchen drawer at the moment that were prescribed about 6months ago when I told the GP how stressed out I was and that I wasn't sleeping. But I just can't get past this period of adjustment with them. I found myself walking about like a zombie at work, couldn't laugh, couldn't be bothered with anything to be honest. That's how I remembered feeling with PND and couldn't believe that an AD made me feel like that again.

Maybe I just need to try a few different ones?

I'm not adverse to taking them at all if they will help! ANYTHING at the moment to be honest.

dramaqueen - the waiting list was nearly a YEAR long?? WTF? This is a "fast tracked" appointment apparently. >deeply sceptical<

The HV has also arranged some support at ds's school. He is already getting a support teacher and being assessed for ADD etc. But this is apparently an emotional support person??? Don't understand that actually.

Bloody nora - sorry to hear that. How can a year long waiting list for kids be justified? could you afford a couple of private sessions before your NHS appointment?