starting out

[runningviks]

Hi,
I'm a new mum, terrified and have just found this site. My daughter is 25 days old and I'm constantly worried about what I'm doing. At the moment my big concern is that she's very happy when being held by me or dad but has a big crying fit when put down in her moses basket or bouncing chair and as a result I spend all day holding her and am unable to do anything. Does anyone have any advice on how to get her happy to be put down, so that I can feed myself? Is she too young for me to expect her to sit on her own for half an hour? If I get her to sleep in my arms, the minute I put her down she wakes up and cries.
Any advice gratefully received

hi runningvicks

Didn't want to ignore this thread as i remember being a terrified new mum as well. I don't have much to suggest i'm afraid as both of mine were in their on room straight away (dp's idea). There will be loads of people on this site though who will have been through the same thing and you will get lods of good suggestions.
All the best

Your baby "thinks" that the only way she can sleep is in your arms. You need to help her to learn to get to sleep on her own.
With my two, I swaddled them and they loved it. It made them really warm and secure. Have you tried that?
I also left the second one to cry a litle bit (usually was sleeping after a couple of mins) and he was the better sleeper of the two by far.
Don't worry, I am sure you are really doing well!
Congratulations and enjoy!!

Try putting a tshirt or something you have recently worn in her moses basket with her so she can smell you and thinks you are close.

FWIW I wish I had cuddled my first one more so don't worry too much. Just try to get the space you need to eat, etc.

Swaddling can really help, but if she's really anti being put down, why not buy a sling, so you can carry her around and still get things done - they can be a lifesaver.

Otherwise, get out of the house and go for a drive or walk in the pushchair. Most babies will sleep then, and if she's in the buggy, you may be able to sneak home, park her in the hall and have a bit of time to yourself

IMHO she's still very young to worry about 'training' her to do something different - I'd probably wait until she was at least 3 months before I started that - but I'd concentrate on finding ways to cope with the situation you've got now.

As she gets older she'll be more interested in things like playgyms etc, and you'll find she's happier to be put down.

She knows she's safe and cosy in her Mummy's arms and she's purely acting on instinct.

I know it's hard - you're SO not the first to feel like that, but time does fly by. My DS is 15 months now and can hardly tear himself away from racing about the place to have a cuddle with his old Mum - the days of long cuddles are a distant memory!!

Have you spoken to your health visitor? I think reflux can sometimes make it uncomfortable for the baby to lie flat and that maybe why she screams? Just an idea!

I also don't agree with "training" children - at any age - they are not animals, but I do think that there are ways to help them cope better with whatever stage of development they are at...and you should enjoy the cuddles but you also need to sleep, eat etc.

You are probably really uptight about this now (and no wonder!). Babies pick up on this and is can make things worse. Try to relax a bit more, it can only help

I attachment parent my boy. I found out about it after he was born when I was looking for a way to cope with the things you're experiencing now. I thought I was just being odd (and unhealthy) until I found there was a name for the way I instinctively wanted to do things.

Basically I breastfed on demand and held my babe either in a sling or in my arms the whole time. I couldn't bear to put him down as he was very clingy and slept little. His crying really affected me deeply. This has lessened as he's got older. We co-sleep so I don't do the whole getting up at night thing. I take him in the bath with me to wash him and generally try to get as much skin to skin contact as possible.

I only found out about these things after he was born when I got some advice from a breastfeeding counsellor who also showed me how to feed him lying down. It's very challenging and I've changed my expectations of motherhood a great deal. Having read loads about it I'm happy to be in almost constant contact with my babe (now 7.5 months)and don't expect him to sleep alone until he's 3 or 4. Luckily my DH is really enthusiastic about this way of parenting too. The only downside of it for us is the money we wasted on cot, moses basket, pram etc .

It's very challenging because it means you have very little personal time or space. it's getting better for us as he's now starting to play by himself; there was a definite change in his needs once he could sit alone. It's not for everyone and I'm sure loads of folk think I'm crazy but I thought I'd mention it. I was in a constant panic in the early weeks because all the advice I was getting from HV and MIL was in total conflict with my instincts. You need to find what's best for you and your babe and go for it. Lots of luck

My dd was like that and wasn't going to bed until 11pm and had to be carried all day, I bought a sling which helped free up my hands during the day and bought a baby sleeping bag for night times to regulate her temp even when picking her up for feed.

To be honest during the day I loved the excuse to sit down and have a cuddle with her, don't forget the mess will still be there tomorrow so don't worry about it, enjoy your newborn.

They do grow out of it once they start to become interested in things such as their baby gym etc. dd is 9.5 weeks now and she will lie quite happily on her gym and now goes to bed at 8pm. Although 9-12 weeks appears a life time away it comes by very quickly indeed and before you know it they are independant little toddlers

Don't worry about excessive cuddling and carrying and don't worry about feeding baby to sleep (I did/do with both my children and I don't have problems with nighttime sleeping or clinginess during the day), they soon grow up. Trust your instincts and what works for others may not work for you
Enjoy your baby good luck

I'm kind of an attachment parent too. It just seemed easiest for us to go with the flow and use a sling to hold DS instead of trying to put him down. It's a cliche but it really isn't for long, and he's 2.3 now and I'm so glad that we met his needs as a little one. I think that it's made him a very happy and gentle little toddler, as well as very engaged with me (and therefore easier to manage his behaviour)

Hi runningviks. I think it depends on your circumstances as to how good attachment parenting is. If you will be a SAHM for quite a long time then no problem. If you want to go back to work then its better to get into a routine/ baby self settling etc as no childcare facility will be able to hold your dc all day long and it will be upsetting for you both.
I personally feel swaddling and putting babies down for regular sleeps when drowsy but not asleep works better. If babies go to sleep on you they panic when they wake because you aren't there. They also start to depend on you to get themselves back to sleep as opposed to being able to do it themselves. It is a skill to be learned and is easier to get sorted at a young age so that it becomes the norm.
I did this and my dd has always slept well and went 7-7 from 12wks.