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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I am really sorry to post again but have no one else to talk to

64 replies

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 18:30

We were meant to be going on a day out yesterday but DS1 behaved in such a way that DH cancelled it and DS had to spend time in his room.

Today we went on our day out. We had lunch out, and I felt, a nice time. I gave some of my hot choc to DS and bought him some crisps as he was the only one who ate all his lunch - explaining that he was having these treats for good behaviour.

Cane home, the odd thing but I felt we managed. No shouting today from me or hubby.

DS was very rude about dinner and said he didn't want any so DH sent him upstairs. He refused to change his bed, get ready for a bath and 2 seconds after I had spoken to him and his sister about behaviour and how I didn't want any back chatting, etc etc he is back chatting and arguing with me as much as I wasn't responding but I am sure you know what I mean. Consequence is he has the same bed sheets on as the past week (I will change tmw while he is at school so one day won't hurt), he has had no bath, no story and when I put the little one to bed later (DD and DS1 were in bed by 5.30pm) I looked in on DS1 to check on him and he said What do you want? When I asked him to change his bed he told me to do it as I was the one who wanted it done.

DH and I are so unhappy at the moment. I fantasise about leaving/dying/running away and I just feel so sad and alone.

Sorry again for being so crap.

OP posts:

lapinindetention · 03/02/2008 18:34

Sweetheart, I know nothing about children over the age of 2 (don't know that much about younger ones!) but I just wanted to say you are NOT being crap, you are trying to sort things out and asking for help, and that's a GOOD THING.

Hope things improve soon for you all x

eeewahwoowah · 03/02/2008 18:34

hugs to you. sounds miserable. my ds is only 5 so we haven't really hit this stage yet and i have no advice. hopefully someone will come along and assure is that it really is just a passing stage.

how old is your ds1?

Blandmum · 03/02/2008 18:37

How old is he?

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 18:38

I always forget to put his age! He will be 7 next month.

OP posts:

MicrowaveOnly · 03/02/2008 18:39

I think its hard not to try and control everything as they grow up..maybe you just have to pick the right battles to fight. You have to show you understand he is growing up and an unmade bed isn't worth this stress. If you show you respect your son's ability to decide for himself (i.e. not eating or not making his bed) then when the BIG issues come along you can demand more responsibility from him, as responsibility comes with respect..IYSWIM

Wisteria · 03/02/2008 18:42

you make him change his own bed at 7??

Seriously? Why???

NAB - why are you making a rod for your own back? There are chores for 7yr olds and my girls do plenty at 11 and 14 but I wouldn't have asked them to do that at 7. I can see his point to be honest, he won't understand why it needs to be done.

If I'm missing the point and don't know the whole story then feel free to tell me to piss off

MicrowaveOnly · 03/02/2008 18:42

am abit surprised you expect a 7 year old to change his own bedding - let alone weekly - are you quite strict about things in general?

Blandmum · 03/02/2008 18:42

1st You are not crap!
2nd You are the mum and have the right to set up house rules
3rd When you are all on reasonable terms, sit down and agree house rules, what he is expected to do, what the sanctions are if he doesn't what the (small) rewards are when he does
4th if he does what he is asked to do, ignore the whinging and back chat....this is unpleasent but is secondary behavior, if he is doing what you ask of him, it might be his way of 'saving face'
5th start small, pick spceific things and concentrate on them.

If you could get him to change 3 things right now, what would they be?

Pick on them, and make sure you get them cracked before you go on to something else.

Be realisitic over timelines, this didn't happen overnight, it will not go away overnight.

But you have rights in this.

and you have all my sympathy! It can be grim

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 03/02/2008 18:44

My DD has just turned eight and she answers back a lot even though she's sweet really. I'm sorry you feel so low with it all.

Have you tried talking about how he is feeling on a daily or weekly basis?Sounds like there might be some pent up feelings there for him. He is only very young still bu obviously becoming more and more responsible as an individual now that he is 7. I think that age 7-9 is a bit like the teen to adult phase - it is quite a jump up from toddler times and not having to take responsibility for a whole lot.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 18:45

I don't expect him to make his bed, just take off the sheet and pillow case. What is wrong with that? His sister is only 4 and she can only take off her pillow case so she does that. I make the beds up with clean sheets.

He knows why it needs to be done. He has been doing it for a bit now and he is old enough to do it.

It's a whole bigger picture though, I was just throwing in everything that had happened.

I wouldn't tell anyone to piss off but I do think the kids can do this and it wasn't the point of my OP to ask about bed changing.

OP posts:

eeewahwoowah · 03/02/2008 18:47

"If you could get him to change 3 things right now, what would they be?"

and perhaps ask him what 3 things he would change about you and dh. make him feel like his views are important.

TurkeyLurkey · 03/02/2008 18:48

NAB - I have seen your posts recently and you seem to be having a really shitty time.

Tell me to piss off if you like but have you seen a doctor, you sound very sad and depressed with life at the moment? What is it thats making you feel like this?

I have a 7 year old boy too, who is just starting to try and challenge me/back chat. Its a matter of picking your fights as to constantly be on their backs is exhausting for everyone.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 18:49

I really don't get this. I occasionally ask the kids to change their beds - helping in the house is a good thing - and yes, they do have clean beds every week, what is being strict about that? I like to have clean beds for us all once a week and most of the time I do it but if the kids are around I will ask them to help and they will do it quite happily.

OP posts:

Wisteria · 03/02/2008 18:50

sorry NAB - didn't mean to be confrontational about it.

Of course they can do it.

bedsheets - no biggie, just give him the choice of do it now or tomorrow - he may feel more inclined tomorrow.

As an aside you have all their teenage years to go through this stuff, I really wouldn't sweat it now

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 03/02/2008 18:50

Is that to me? If so I thinks I have been misunderstood. I agree he can and should do it but it's a transitional age isn't it? He might be a bit resentful and not know how to express this effectively so that he can be corrected. Maybe he wants to be little and maybe he wants to be responsible at the same time (as in teens) and maybe he is just crap at dealing with that. If this is the case then he needs to learn better ways of expressing his anger or frustration which is where you come in.

Wisteria · 03/02/2008 18:51

(the op read as if it was something he always had to do)

chipkid · 03/02/2008 18:51

NAB I have a lock-horn relationship with ds at times (he is 7 in July)-it got really bad a few weeks ago and I picked up a book-the rules of parenting-it is little sounbites that have reminded me of a number of things which helps me to put his behaviour into perspective-stop shouting so much and also to look at my own behaviour twords him. It has been an enormous help and my relationship with DS-even when he is backchatting etc has improved enormously. It has really helped with my red mist-even this week which has been enormously stressful.

I am sending you lots of hugs-I know how bad it can get and how it must make you feel.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 18:51

I went in to ask him if he wanted to talk to me and he said no.

I am depressed and on medication. Hardly surprising really with what I have had going on for the last few years.

I love my kids so much and appreciaite that I have them but I am exhausted, depressed, lonely, miserable, etc etc. I used to be such a fun happy person too.

OP posts:

MicrowaveOnly · 03/02/2008 18:53

NAB I was just trying to figure out the whole picture. I have a boy a year older and I know how frustrating they are. My dd is a complete sweety as she helps do stuff around the house etc, and I used to find my son completely unhelpful and impossible. But as my hubby points out to me, boys are not the same, you cannot compare. My ds used to drive me crazy as he never did as he was told, but now I have learnt to give him more time and listen to him I understand how he thinks...and its not the same as me..and that's fine.

Sit down and tell him you are really listening, and although you shout at him you do love him. You might find out he's jealous of perfect dd (my son is) and hates having to do things..NOW..and other stuff.

what I want to reassure you with is that underneath the cheek is still your little boy and he needs his mummy and hates arguing as much as you. My son thought that the shouting I did meant I didn't love him

I don't mean that to sound trite.

luckylady74 · 03/02/2008 18:54

i can only say what's worked for me - i read red mist's posts a couple of weeks back and they shook me - i hadn't gone as far, but i think i was shouting and punishing too much.
so i've stopped shouting and my motto is distract and remove if necessary. if they've hit a sibling i make them apologise and explain that it hurt them/feelings and then we move on very very quickly - i used to do time out for this and i think things used to get prolonged and escalated and dwelled on.
we are all happier - not perfect, but a lot happier. me and dh try to laugh about the moaning/ madness/ bouncing off the walls - we feel better for it.

Original poster

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 03/02/2008 18:54

BTW The kids don't have job lists, I will ask them to do some things but it isn't set in stone, there is no rota for example. If something small needs doing I will ask them to help. Even the 2 year old likes to help. They don't have to do things I just think it is a good thing to get them to do odd bits.

OP posts:

LadyVictorianSqualor · 03/02/2008 18:54

My Dd is seven and I expect her to do any job I ask of her, without back chat, so I dont think that's the point here at all.
What is the point is that he has been treated and not appreciated it (I think?).

I think you did well not to respond to his backchatting (IIRC that was something that used to deteriorate into arguments between you?).
As for the rest of it, baths and dirty beds arent really of any consequence to a 7yr old, they just dont care, in fact he probably thinks he won, I'd have ran a bath and put him in it whilst I changed the sheets and then put him to bed, no questions asked, he may think he has 'won' as he didnt have to do the bath or change the sheets, but apart from that I think you did really well, it's definitely an improvement.

Just try and think of it as just another day, and that day is over, tomorrow starts brand new. Keep at it! Look back at some of your previous posts wrt his behaviour and you reactions, you'll soon see the difference, you're handling it now, that's one big step towards ending it.

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow · 03/02/2008 18:55

"what I want to reassure you with is that underneath the cheek is still your little boy and he needs his mummy and hates arguing as much as you. My son thought that the shouting I did meant I didn't love him sad"

So, so true

Twiglett · 03/02/2008 18:55

oh NAB

I have to say that I too am finding the 7 year old stage of boydom rather taxing .. it is certainly challenging with the burgeoning independence resulting in cheek and backchat and, in our case, a quite well-defined sarcasm (his teacher pulled me up on that part)

I do think that part of it is natural developmentally .. maybe to get us used to their teenage rebellion years

what I feel though, from having seen these threads is that you need some coping tools . .. some ways of shutting off from the stresses so that you can start, possibly, to let parts of it wash over you

Do you get time to yourself? Do you have any chance to exercise (even just brisk walks)? would you consider meditation for relaxation (Cap posted a great site that I can find for you if you want)

I do think that this is a painful time, I am rather a control freak and find the increasing level of silliness and backchat trying in the extreme
Try to hold on to the moments when you see your little boy through it

Wisteria · 03/02/2008 18:56

yes it is NAB - mine have helped from when they could walk too.

Sorry you're feeling so shit - will be back tomorrow as a mother of teens and having been through the 7-8 yr old boundary breaking

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