Having held it together for 45 minutes I just lost it

[NAB3wishesfor2008]

I am so bloody mad at myself. DS1 has been a little sod for the last hour or so and I have stayed calm and told him what would happen if he didn't do as I asked, I have ignored him when he said he didn't care and now I have just smacked him across the head. Completely unjustified as smacking never is (unless in a dangerous situation) and my husband is going to be really p off with me. He is nearly 7.

Don't know why I posted. Just needed to tell someone.

Don't need millions of people telling me I did wrong. I already know I did.

Why is it they behave like this when you feel like they have had special time?

I really want to go up and apologise.

i think you are making battles for yourself. Does it really matter if he doesnt want to clean the table off? Really? It would be nice if he did, but if you have to argue with him to do it then its not worth it, it really isnt worth it. So what if he wanted a different cloth.

I know it sounds if i am picking on things you are doing "wrong" i'm really not, and yes, it is easy to advise from a distance. Its just all the things you are describing, ive done it too. I can look back and wish i did things differently, but wishing doesnt buy me very much.

I remember terrible terrible battles with DD over homework, from about that age, right until she left school. Awful awful rows and i would lose my temper with her when she was older and im ashamed to say i got so frustrated with her that i hit her IT is just NOT worth it, i wish that i just let her get on with it. I would stand over her and make her do it, she has left school now, totally buggered up her GCSEs dropped out of college - so my nagging and battling got me a long way didnt it? It just made for a bad relationship and its heartbreaking. If he doesnt want to do his homework, if he is not interested, he is not going to learn anything. Sit him down, offer to help him, if he doesnt want to FINE. Just tell him to go and do something he enjoys and to ask mummy when he wants help with his homework. Explain the situation to the teacher (part of the reason i felt under pressure to put DD under pressure is because i didnt want the school to think badly of me as a parent) I wish with all my heart i just got off of her case.

He came downstairs and said he would play nicely, im sorry, you should have let him. With the condition that he did play nicely or he would lose a privalidge, or go to bed for the night if he betrayed your trust again. It is not a competition over who gets the last word.

I know i seem like i am being really harsh, but i am just being honest. Im not you, i dont know you or your son, so i am being completely objective.

I still stand by the fact i think you are a great mum. I just think you are putting far to much pressure on yourself, and subsequently your son.

Fuck the homeweork, if he hasnt done it, let him explain to the teacher.

i agree with lucyellensmum. if he said he was going to play nice i think you should have let him as i think it means in his way that he is sorry and wants to try to be nice, maybe he s said that before and hasnt played nice but theres a first time for everything!!?? he will not learn to do so if you dont let him, but at the same time if he didnt play nice thaen send him to his room for bed. have you tried the naughty corner/step instead of his bedroom?? if his toys are there then its not really a punishment.he needs to understand where the boundries lie.

im not trying to judge you, but a 6/7 year old wont do everything you tell them to, and they dont understand the extent of how naughty they are being especially wen its punishment after punishment they are going to feel emotionally that you are pushing them away or dont love them as much as their brothers or sister (not that im saying that about you personally) but you need to try and show comprimise.

I just feel like you are all telling me I am doing everythig wrong. I know you are trying to help, and I appreciate it very much, but I haven't had much comment on anything I have done right. Maybe I haven't done anything right.

I said he had to go to his room. he decided he would come down when I told him not to, he says he will be nice, so I have to let him. Where is the lesson there?

The step is a waste of time and he has very few toys in his room now he has been moved in to the small one.

I did want him to clean the table as he had made the mess and I am sick of being treated like a bloody slave. If I ask him to use a certain cloth am I really expecting too much for him to use the one I ask? I accept he won't do everything I ask but he doesn't do anything I ask.

A lot of the behaviour sounds like my 6.5 yr old DS at times. I usually find he is worst when hungry or when he has been cooped up indoors.
He really eats loads and I forget sometimes to give him something at the right time - he seems to need between meal supplements! I also find it helps if he can get some good exercise - after school football and after school swimming in our case but theres so many options where we are (although I appreciate there may be an issue with cost for some of them). Other boys do Beavers or such like too. Does he do any activities?

The football has DS in with "boys" doing boy stuff and burping and generally carrying on silly in a way I find annoying but they all seem to do it.
Maybe he needs an outlet for his energy and for all that sort of behaviour?

It would be great to do an activity with him but we can't manage it at the moment.

It has to be said i have given up asking DD to do anything/everything.
example - last night pens, pencils and sharpenings all over the livingroom. knew how it would end so said don't worry DD i'll tidy up when you're in bed.
DDs response - shouty throwing stuff into the cupboard as if i was forcing her to clean up while I stood and repeated - don't worry - i'll do it.
can't win sometimes.
I've never managed to get her to stay on a naughty step and if sent to her room it will end in enormous battle going on for hours.
current strategy is to not ask her to do anything she may see as unreasionable - like setting the table, tidying up, brushing hair. It is making more work for me but it is avoiding some outbursts (although obviously not all) and it really isn't unreasonable to ask her to get dressed before school is it?

I take it you mean the naughty step is a waste of time? I am with you there!! Even my two year old treats that like a game. I cannot imagine an angry seven year old has much respect for it either.

I am certainly not saying you are doing everything or anything wrong. You are certainly coping better than i would (did). But you are simply putting too much pressure on yourself.

does there have to be a lesson in everything?

I know it is frustrating when they make a bloody mess and just expect you to clean up after them. Dont expect that to change anytime soon im afraid. My DD is terrible, she lives with her boyfriends parents now - let them fish her filthy knickers from under the bed!!

The reason no one has commented on the things you have done right is because you are (quite understandably) posting only the negative things. That is because you are feeling shit about things, i know that because i do it (shit you should read some of my threads ). Tell us about some of the positive stuff, im sure he is a fantastic lad, he certainly sounds like a bright spark, that could even be the route of the problem, he might have a super little brain whirring around in there and he needs an outlet for all that energy.

Do you and your husband have a united front? or does it cause friction. I know it does between us, it did with DD1 and already between us with DD2 and she is only two and i can see she is going to be quite challenging.

The thing is, you say your other children are well behaved. You are his mum, why do YOU think things are different? I really think you should have him assessed. It might simply be that he has a detailed manual of how to press your buttons (as my DD did/does - ive just sent her a really mature, youve really pissed me off email - so im pretty crap at things really, probably should keep my advise to myself) and you need to get past it.

Just remember, its not a battle (even though it feels like it).

I spoilt him when he was small. I thought he was going to be my only one so I didn't think it mattered. When he had tantrums and cried I would give in as I was scared. I don't do that now with my 2 year old!

This child has a place in my heart like no other.

p.s I am in no way suggesting you are doing anything wrong. Living inthis house with DD how she is i would have no roight to juge anyones parenting skills. I really think that under he circumstances you are bloody marvelous. Yes he is being a little sod and yes you are doing a good enough job as his mum. keep telling yourself that - you are good enough. its all you need to be.

is there anyway at all you can have some time with him, once or twice a week, just the two of you? I know that is MUCH easier said than done. It doesnt have to cost much, cost anything even. Just a walk or a burger together, out of the blue, dont promise it or he will play up because he is excited or if it falls through etc. Just be a position to say, come on DS lets go to the swings, just us, leave the babies at home with XYZ.

agree with lucyellensmum - a bit of attention and going along with them often works wonders, my DTs are far more trouble for me the more I tell them off, but if I chill out a bit they calm down and we are all happier

I have been going through exactly the same problems with my DS - nearly 7. He has a very strong personality and so have I, so both of us always want to have the last word! However, for the last 2 weeks I have tried a different tack and it is working in that he is much less argumentative, stroppy, etc, and I am much less stressed.
I 9and DH) decided to try to not punish every single thing and let some low level naughtiness / rudeness ride, though always saying that we are disappointed that he is choosing to behave like that, etc. Also doing time out - 5 mins in room, once he is sitting calmly. We have decided to ignore door kicking, toy throwing and other deliberate aggressive behaviour during time out, just occasionally and gently reminding him that WHEN he has sat quietly for 5mins, THEN we will ask him to come down - it works just as well as getting into a confrontation and then we help him sort out the mess)
He seems so much happier now I am not on his back all the time, and I feel like I have a loveable little boy again, not some horrible little sod ruining my life!!!!

nab

i have read a bit of this thread and that bit that made me think most was

he has a special place in your heart

he will have always a special place in his heart for you

I have had a really trying day with my ds

the only thing i can say that works for me is literally to walk backwards, and then slowly go forwards and try to keep calm

good luck

Humour and distraction are important tools for parenting.
I think its easy to get stressed and enter into
power struggles with your dc.
IMO let him win sometimes, make jokes, play with him and your other dc for a while after school, and when you give him chores make it a grown-up thing where he is in control and you are asking him for help-if it is important that he only uses a particular dishcloth make that the only availiable one!
We all have the odd bad day, just tell yourself you will do better tomorrow. You sound like you put yourself under a lot of pressure.

I think people are sounding a bit unfairly critical about the clearing up / cloth argument. If I am reading it right NAB3 wanted him to clear up his own mess, which I take to be specific mess caused by careless, or rude messing about. He then argues back and manages to escalate the whole thing.
I agree, a few crumbs are not worth it, quicker to clean it yourself, but when my DDS for example persists in putting a whole potato on the fork, and biting into it till half falls on the floor, and repeats this over and again at the same meal, it does not seem unreasonable to make an issue over tidying up. FWIW I usually make a big issue and tip remaining dinner in the bin. Sometimes calmly, sometimes manically. Am I wittering, I have just lost my place cos he's come downstairs AGAIN !

oh nab
I don't know you but been there
no advice
except don't lose confidence in yourself as a mum, you'll find your way

(((((((((hugs))))))))))

it gets better

Sorry to hijack thread, but just put my DS 7 back to bed. He's usually the devil's appretice to get into bed, but mostly gets to sleep quite quickly. Tonight he's been down twice. It's quite apt, as it illustrates the absolute frustration of the whole parenting project. He will be vile tomorrow morning, not good at school and then even worse tomorrow, as its his 7th birthday on Saturday. If I wasn't contributing to this "how not to murder the little blighters" thread, I would definitely have screamed at him by now.
Knowing that we are all going through it does help. And the children (and parents) who seem so good in public are probably just as bad behind closed doors.
I'm not saying everyone screams and smacks, but everyone does parenting things that they regret afterwards. Or of the parents don't regret it the children will point out years later, that we did it all wrong.

I am off to bed.

Be back tmw.

Thanks all.

in answer to u being treated as a slave all i can say is thats part of the job description that comes with being a mother!! and in my case with my dp!!

i dont agree with smacking part there must be other things you can do

everyone on here has been trying to give suggestions an NOBODY has said your a bad mum, i dont think ur a bad mum and i think u must have the patients of jobe!!

in a lot of your answers you ve said thanks for the help but its followed by a negative comment

try and do an outdoor activity like football or the park and if nothing else it mite give you a peaceful night if he's tired himself out!!

ps im not judging you

Good morning NAB when you are back

This thread has played on my mind, I think it's because you just sound so entrenched and stuck.

You do sound as if you and your ds are in a complete 'horns locked' scenario. He knows how to needle you - because you are unable to let things go or get perspective on what matters and what doesn't.

I'm sorry if again that seems negative to you; it is negative. But it's not to say that outweighs the love and adoration you have for your kids and the fact that you are just basically THERE for them. That in itself is being a bloody good mum.

I think it is possible even that you could get more help with your depression. Things don't need to be this way; perhaps you need more, or different meds, or to combine meds with some practical counselling of some kind. I think you should be kind to yourself and re-approach the GP and explain your current difficulties and anxieties and ask for more help.

I would just love you to be able to take up some of the fantastic practical suggestions you've had on here which WILL WORK. I'd so love you to have more joy in your ds and for him to have this pressure off and the battles to stop; But in order to get to that stage I think perhaps you need to get some more help for you personally.

my opinion anyway, fwiw!

igglespiggles I know I was wrong to smack him. I said that at the time and I didn't smack him yesterday when he was driving me mad as I remembered from the day before how bad I felt. It is great for those that manage to not smack their children but it deosn't always pan out like that.

I have said thank you as I do appreciate help but I can't do everything and circumstances don't allow things we would like to do at the moment.

HG - You are right. I never had parents so haven't had an upbringing that involved being brought up in family so I don't know how to be a parent as I never had one.

BTW DS1 has been better this morning. (DD has had a strop but we handled it and all is okay now) They are watching CBeebies as a little treat for a better morning.

Glad that DS has been better this morning. I think you are doing a fantastic job - just keep going sweetie!

please dont think that i meant it nasty cos i dont. i also suffer with depression and i mean sever depression, (was raped 2 years ago) just after ds was born i slept walked to the kitchen and took a meat cleaver to my wrists!! so i can relate to you wen you say you are depressed cos it doesnt matter who is around you, even if its your closest mate you feel you are all alone and cant talk to anyone. wat med are you on?? im on citalipram 60mg a day!!!

im really glad to hear that you ve had a good morning! i havent my ds is teething been awake all night and now decides to have a nap the lil bugger lol

Let your DS have a sleep and then wake him after 1-2 hours so he isn't too awake for later. I used to find though, that the mor mine slept in the day the better they slept at night as they weren't over tired.

I am sorry for your awful experiences.

I am on citalopram too, 20mg a day. will be on them for a while longer yet.

yeah i think i mite just leave him sleep for a bit, my mum and dad are having him tonight me and my dp r going out to meet friends we aint been out for ages.

im coming down to 40mg in the next weeks im really scared tho that i mite go back to not coping.

but me n my DP (gna be DH in sept!! )have got our own business so i ve got plenty to keep me going and my mind of things!

is it just me or has this week just flown by ?? for sum reason it feels like its wednesday lol