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Original poster

Having held it together for 45 minutes I just lost it

75 replies

NAB3wishesfor2008 · 30/01/2008 18:11

I am so bloody mad at myself. DS1 has been a little sod for the last hour or so and I have stayed calm and told him what would happen if he didn't do as I asked, I have ignored him when he said he didn't care and now I have just smacked him across the head. Completely unjustified as smacking never is (unless in a dangerous situation) and my husband is going to be really p off with me. He is nearly 7.

Don't know why I posted. Just needed to tell someone.

Don't need millions of people telling me I did wrong. I already know I did.

Why is it they behave like this when you feel like they have had special time?

I really want to go up and apologise.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 31/01/2008 09:12

Do give HomeStart a call. They don't judge at all and give fantastic support - they keep me sane.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 31/01/2008 09:13

He has gone way beyond his limits and he just does not care about any consequences we impose.

I can't do this anymore and tbh I am not sure I want too.

Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
saltire · 31/01/2008 09:17

Oh NAB, perhaps you need to see your GP.
I have just posted on another thread that I have a meeting today with the parental support advisor at the school. We are ahving some problems with the Dses. With DS1 it's his behaviour and with DS2 everythign is a battle and I am never done repeating things like get your trousers on, over and over again. I felt like I was losing control of myself, especially with not keeping well healthwise.
Do you ahve anything like this at your school that could offer some support? Or I ntoice someone suggested Homestart, why not try them?

BeeEm · 31/01/2008 09:26

Nab - I have simmilar 'issues' over here. DD can be a huge nightmare child. I've lost my temper with her (not proud of it). and all i seem to do is wrong every time. We're at the point where I have pretty much 'given u' witjh her and its about all i can do to hold on until DH is around and he does everything with her (unfortunately he's never around in the mornings so I have to do the going to school evey day). It makes me feel like rubbish - like I have utterly failed with her.
A lot of what DD does is for attenton - like hitting herself, throwing things, screaching, crying etc etc. And I know that she has a real separation thing going. She can't bear the thought of not being with me. BUT doesn't help when she is so foul to me when I am there.
Its as if she is thinking that if she is impossible and pushes me away first I won't be able to reject her. I have no idea where this comes from as I've always been around and have never threatened not to be.
We had an appointment this week with CAMHS (which also makes me feel like a failure). They've left it with us to get back to them with what we feel we want whether family therapy or behaviour stuff with just DD. I don't really know what to do but think I will have to take them up on anything they can offer.
Anyway - do you think your DS needs something similar? I'm hoping that DD might talk properly to someone unconnected and outside the family/friends/school.
and heres a hug. hope you feel better.

LilRedWG · 31/01/2008 10:13

Ahhh - voices of experience!

milou2 · 31/01/2008 10:29

Hi NAB, yep I have hit the head too. It's clearly a sign of snapping. I'm with BeeEm about seeing if you can see some kind professional, homestart, health visitor, camhs, whatever.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 31/01/2008 10:45

Have emailed homestart

OP posts:
BeeEm · 31/01/2008 10:47

Good on you Nab. Keep talking/moaning.

cazzybabs · 31/01/2008 10:51

I bet he does care ... but is acting tough to make you thing he doesn't. i think you just need to keep being consistent everytime he pushes the boundarires.

You are a fab mummy and are doing a fab job... you know you are!

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 31/01/2008 10:59

I am a crap mummy doing a terrible job of bringing them up. My childhood was pants x 100000000000000000000 and I am ruining theirs too but in a different way.

I want the old me back. The one who didn't moan, was funny, nice to be around. Not this witch.

OP posts:
LilRedWG · 31/01/2008 11:20

You're not a crap mummy at all. If you were crap, you wouldn't care about the situation!

Well done on emailing HomeStart.

lucyellensmum · 31/01/2008 11:21

NAB you are NOT NOT a crap mummy!!! I could shake you sometimes. I think you are doing a difficult job extremely well. I was thinking about you last night. Have you thought about having your boy assessed by a child psychologist or similar (it may not be a pychologist actually, as i havent a CLUE who would be appropriate). Maybe he has ADHD or something?? I am so glad you have emailed homestart - they will have the addresses and phone numbers of a whole barrage of people who can help. I am not suggesting your little boy has a problem, but it would be worth ruling things out, and asking for some coping strategies. I swear if i were you i would have run down the road screaming ages ago.

Don't beat yourself up about losing your temper with him, i defy anyone to be the controlled calm parent faced with this sort of difficulty all the time. It is counterproductive of course, but then you already know that. But you are only human and as someone pointed out at the begining of the thread it is good for your son to see that everyone isnt perfect. Imagine the pressure on him if you were - stuff that.

I bet you have tried all sorts of things, have you tried simply ignoring the behaviour, not him, jut the behaviour? So, when he pushed his brother over, just pick up his brother, make the appropriate level of fuss of him, set him back up on the table, give him a croissant and give your other son his croissant back? Don't even acknowledge that he was naughty - no reaction whatsoever. It might not work, he might then start having an even bigger tantrum, just ignore it, carry on as normal (if you can) and get the others ready for school. So what if he wont get ready, take him to school in his PJs!! Of course, thats easy for me to type. I literally SCREAMED at my two year old yesterday because she jumped on my neck and really hurt me - she tantrumed for ages, saying she didnt love me and shes only two - i'm bracing myself.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 31/01/2008 11:26

I told him I would take him to school in his pyjamas and he said he didn't care.

I try the ignoring but I am so exhausted I can't keep it up and also think they need more sometimes than just being ignore to learn they shouldn't do something.

Symptoms of ADHD so I can consider it/rule it out please?

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 31/01/2008 11:39

i havent a clue to be honest about the symptoms, but he certainly seems to be more than a handful.

As i said with what i typed. It looks eminently sensible doesn't it. But no so easy to carry out.

If he didnt care about goiing to school in his PJs then take him to school in his PJs, no shouting or anything, just "oh, you want to go in your PJs then?" The next day, or even lunch time when you take his uniform, i doubt you will get the same reaction.

lucyellensmum · 31/01/2008 11:40

is he like this at school? Apparently i was the devil incarnate at home at that age, a little angel at school

HonoriaGlossop · 31/01/2008 11:41

well done for contacting homestart. Whether your ds does have ADHD or something, I think either way, you need some help and support to give you strategies; it's difficult to judge of course but from what I've read on here he sounds a normal boy, it just sounds as if you are all in a negative cycle really.

I'm going to sound like Xenia here but it strikes me that you would possibly really enjoy a part time job! Being a SAHM is the hardest job EVER; and doing it when you are trying to break out from under your own bad childhood (so doing it 'blind' almost) AND when you're depressed, is just too hard; it would do me in for sure. Even if it's one or two days a week and doesn't earn you much (even if it's voluntary) I think it would give you a healthier balance in your life.

I wanted passionately to be a FT SAHM and I HATED going to work two days a week when ds was a baby BUT I could see then even, that it was a healthy break for all of us and gave me a focus out of the home...and I wasn't even depressed.

notjustmom · 31/01/2008 11:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 31/01/2008 12:12

I have just spent half an hour in the garden getting soaked and trying not to get blown away, putting away everything they had left out. I can't believe the things they have taken out that don't belong in the garden. I had to throw out a brand new pad with his name on and a fab telescope his dad bought him a while ago. All my pegs were thrown around and some broken. I have dumped them in a bucket to wash through later.

I can't manage everything as it is so not sure how I would if I was working a bit too. Also have no one to have the little one.

I would have taken him in his pjs but he got ready.

The other day he had been really annoying so when he came out of class I didn't wave immediately. I left him for about 3 seconds before making myself known and he looked really worried. Made him appreciate me though.

OP posts:
lucyellensmum · 31/01/2008 14:40

NAB, i am going to be totally honest with you, please dont take offence or get upset.

Sometimes i notice that you sort of revert to his level with things. Today you said you ignored him after school the other, and it made him thing twice and appreciate you. It is more than likely that it made him feel insecure and more likely to play up at a later date. This isnt the first time that you have said something like that.

Please don't think i am criticising you i am most definately not. I am saying this because i recognise myself in what you are doing. My DD1 has a magic way of turning me into a spoilt 14 year old. Sometimes during our rows i would hear myself and think, FFS who is the adult here? Didn't make me behave like one. The frustration and emotion gets the better of me every time. And i think it is only your obvious love for your son that makes you behave in the same sort of way. Tit for tat sort of scenarios that get you no where.

I really think that whatever happens you need some help with this. At the moment you seem to be giving your son the upper hand, and i promise you, he doenst really want it. He wants you to be the adult, he wants to feel protected and he wants limits. All the things he behaves like he is pushing away. How you retain that balance in your relationship i really really don't know. But there are people who deal with this all the time. Once you are talking to homestart, ask them about some sort of family therapy. You love your son so much, its obvious, so it can only be a good thing for you guys.

He is a lucky lad to have such a loving mother. There are plenty of shit mums out there and you are definately not one of them.

Let us know how you get on

purplejennyrose · 31/01/2008 15:04

I second everything luceyellensmum said in last post.
Go back to CAMHS, keep talking to people, keep looking for something that helps.
If he's 'got' something eg ADHD he'll be much the same in every situation with all people, so that's a place to start - what's he like at school / friends/ relatives. FWIW does sound like problem lies in the relationship between you - this can be mended!!
Good luck and don't give up!

choccypig · 31/01/2008 15:16

One thing that sometimes works when DS is pushing it too far, is to write it down. And threaten to show the teacher. I told him I am writing down his behaviour so that people will understand why he has sometimes had a smack on the bum. (If SS did come round they'd probably just think I'm bonkers. Really though, it does help to keep my hands busy when they are ITCHING to wallop him.

choccypig · 31/01/2008 15:27

I hadn't read the whole thread, and now I have I can see there are lots of positive suggestions.
I think why writing it down works for us, is that he knows I am noticing his bad behaviour, but I am not exactly giving him attention for it.
Also, he is reasonably well-behaved at school, and would be quite embarrassed for them to hear about silly "babyish" tantrums etc. Actually, the teachers do know, and have given me some good tips, but I found it hard to appoach them, I felt like I was grassing him up, but I'm glad i did. The cue was that I couldn't get him to do his reading homework, but the discussion ended up being about his general behaviour.
So I would recommend talking to teachers about the problem.
I do also write down nice things that DS says and does, and stick up his awful artworks to make him feel appreciated.

BeeEm · 31/01/2008 16:44

lightbulb moment.
writing things down. so simple and yet i've not done that. I can see how keeping it detailed - what sets DD off, what was happening just before, what I've asked her to do..... I think i'll try it! I've been keeping a food diary ovr the last few weeks (it is really appalingly shockingly bad). wonder if there's any links?
I feel a bit of a fool for not doing this before.
And also doing the good bits too. if shes helped with anything, said something nice.... can see how thingswould be more balanced. It's so easy to just see the negatives when you're being slapped in the face with them all day.

Original poster
NAB3wishesfor2008 · 31/01/2008 17:05

Child is an angel at school.

Picked Ds up. All fine.

Came home and had to go to his room.
He got into his pjs and then annoyed his siter.

Had tea, fairly okay but then started being cheeky.

Took me about 6 times of asking before he would clean the mess of ths table with the cloth I specifically asked him to use. He deliberately kept picking a different one.
Just done his homework. He drew all over the abacus, then the table, then my leg and my foot.

Kept running off while doing his homework.

Turned my light off, told his sister too and now I have sent him to his room to calm down. He came down saying he would play nicely. I said he could come down when I said so. He has just made his baby brother cry. He has just come down again.

I hear what you say about making him feel insecure but I was there for him today as I am every flaming day.

It is easy for people to tell me what I have done wrong (and I accept that when I post on here for advice) but it is bloody hard when you have tried everything.

OP posts:
lizziemun · 31/01/2008 17:20

Sorry you having a tough time at the moment.

I would leave the homework, let him explain at school why he hasn't done it. He is old enough to understand that he needs to do it.

Is he behaving at school because they have strict rules.