my 4 month old is constantly miserable and tired...really need advice

[liv01]

My beautiful 4 month old girl has always had massive problems sleeping during the day even as a newborn. After a lot of very hard work she now has three naps a day but wakes up abruptly after forty minutes however tired she is and however much or little sleep she has had at night. This would be fine if it was all that she needed but she spends the afternoon screaming with overtiredness and is impossible to settle. If she manages to get a long sleep at lunchtime (if in the pram pushed very fast without stopping) she is a lot calmer. I try all sorts of things to help her sleep longer but have had no success! I just feel like a complete failure and a terrible mother- there must be something I can do to help her and stop her being so unhappy all the time.

Hi there. Poor you, I know how exhausting it can be. I have never tried a sling but I know others on here really recommend them so perhaps you could try that?

My DD gets very grumpy if she doesn't nap (she's nearly 15 weeks so a similar age to yours) and I've found just leaving her alone sometimes helps. Sometimes the more I "mess" with her, the more irritated she gets and sometimes just putting her down in the cot under a mobile and just allowing her to settle does the trick (like I did about half an hour go, hence my morning mumsnet fix ). The thing I find is that if she's tired enough she will sleep, it's almost like she hasn't worked out that if she sleeps she won't be tired anymore.

I did read somewhere that it's best not to allow them to associate sleep with one particular activity, so where I like you used to trog round the block with the pram to get her to go to sleep, I don't now rely on that. This is just what has worked for us, and I still go for works with her too (is working wonders for my post-baby belly..!)

I really do feel for you, sounds like you're doing everything you can!

Go for walks with her even.

Liv, try a sling. I can sympathise, my DS spent his first four months screaming with tiredness. He still does the 45 min naps now at 6m but copes much better with life in general. I think the really bad overtired hysterics started to fade after 4 months.

You're not a failure or a terrible mother - you just have one of those tricky babies. I know how horrible it is and how utterly desperate it can make you feel but it's not your fault.

Time will help loads, otherwise don't stress yourself trying to get her to self-settle etc, just make it your sole aim to get her sleeping whenever she shows tired signs. If that means letting her sleep on you or pram rocking then just go with it. She'll improve soon, honest.

ManchesterMummy... How long does your LO sleep for once you put her down? My LO is 16 weeks and will only ever nap for about 30 mins - half an hour. Sometimes he wakes up OK, but most of the time he is still tired when he wakes up. I just started leaving him to try and get off to sleep on his own last night and he fell asleep after an hour. Was wondering if i do it in the day-time, wether he might sleep longer?

Liv01, perhaps you could try this too. I really feel for you as Im in the same situation! Im just trying to tell myself "it's a phase, it will pass".

I wonder how many mums just walk round the block everyday? Must be hundereds!!

Lu xx

Personally speaking I think leaving 16 week old babies to cry it out until they fall asleep through exhaustion isn't very nice. Aside from the research that suggests it can be damaging to deny young babies comfort, which is, after all, what your baby is asking for when she's crying.

So I did the walking round the block thing. Now he's 26 weeks and I don't need to walk round the block. He didn't need to get distressed. We're both happy.

I still wish I'd had one of those 'whinge for a bit then drop off' babies, but I had a hysterically upset one, so it wasn't for me.

She never usually sleeps for more than an hour in the day, 2/3 times each day. Sometimes it's only about 15 minutes, then she gets grumpy!

She's on nap strike at this exact moment so is sitting on my lap, completely mesmerised by mumsnet!

I don't just "leave her to cry" though - she's more of a whinger when tired.

I agree re the walking- I shoot looks of sympathy at the other mums as we pound along the seafront in force 9 gales- I am sure we are all doing the same thing. I just thought it would be better by now...

liv01,

There are some techniques to extend naps, as 40 mins is when they reach light sleep, and it sounds like your DD has got used to waking then.

Have you tried wake to sleep? You go in at say 35 mins of sleep, rouse them slightly (fiddle with blankets, stroke them etc) and then leave, and this should change their sleep pattern and hopefully send them into another cycle and therefore sleep longer. You need to do this for a few days to check it works before you stop.

Another method if pick-up put-down, where if they wake you pick up and then put down after a couple of minutes. they will probably protest so you keep repeating, putting them down when they calm. They should eventually go back to sleep and then after a few times, they will learn not to wake when they reach light sleep.

I used the shush/pat method with my DD when she'd wake after 30 mins. you shush/pat them when they start to wake, and carry on for maybe 20 mins til they go back to sleep. it didn't always work, but they do eventually learn.

HTH.

My DD, now 14 months, have hardly ever napped for more than 40 mins at a go. When she was younger, she'd just have lots of them in a day. Now, she just has two. I know its frustrating but I'd just go with it. In my experience its very very hard to make them sleep longer than they want to. You get the baby you're given. Some will have nice long lunchtime naps, some won't! Hang in there. As she gets older she'll be more cheerful in those awake periods

Both my kids did short naps until they were 4months (ds did 45mins, dd 30 mins). Somewhere between 4 and 5 months they both just started to do longer naps - just the odd one every few days to start with, then maybe once every other day, then maybe once every day, then most naps. I think it is a developmental thing. When they got ratty later in the day I just used to chuck them in the sling - kept them to a slow whinge rather than a full scale moan). Fingers crossed you are nearly there and you will get some longer naps soon without having to pound the streets.

Another vote for slings here. Just had to go out with my 6 month old this afternoon as she was soooo ratty by 4.30 (even though she had only just woken up at 3 ) but once she was asleep, I could then mooch around the shops with ehr quite easily (she would never let me do that if she was asleep in the pushchair - the minute the wheels go over that smooth shop floor, her eyes spring open!) And it takes literally seconds for them to go off in the sling.

However, I also agree that sometimes giving them the chance to drop off on their own, rather than too much fussing can work. I used to put mine down when she was showing signs of being tired (i.e. general eye-rubbing and rattiness, not letting me sit down while holding her etc.) and go off and make a cup of tea or something. Sometimes worked, sometimes not.

Hi Liv. You have my heartfelt sympathy as a mother of a 19 week old with v similar problem who posted on here recently. i know how frustrated you feel.
things which worked for us were sling and swing. i am now trying to stick to the Pantley 'no cry sleep solution' techniques for getting dd2 to sleep for longer at night and during day (at night she wakes up at least every hour and sometimes she only sleeps for 35 mins at a stretch). i think we're starting to see results but it's early days and i'm not counting chickens!
just wanted to wish you luck really and reassure you that you're not alone, no matter how crap you feel.

Thank you so much for all the reassurance. All the babies I know settle nicely in their cots and have huge two hour naps- I feel completely inadequate! It is great to know that she might grow out of it- and the sling suggestion is great.

my DS is like this as well. now 18 weeks he is starting to have the occasional longer daytime nap.

one thing i found that worked really well when we are both nackered is that we both lie on the bed looking at a magazine together then we just drop off. DS can sleep for well of an hour when we do this. we sometimes do it in the morning as well if he is awake at 4.30am . he seems to find it comforting having someone else asleep near him at the same time.

its not all the time and he can go of to sleep on his own at times.

Hi liv01, something a bit different here I guess. My DD was quite miserable when she was newborn, she would cry a lot and when she did manage to get to sleep she would wake up too early and be miserable again because she was tired. Anyway, it seemed that she was suffering from silent reflux- where acid works its way up the food pipe. She kept on bringing up what looked like cottage cheese. She was put on Gaviscon at 6 weeks and we've never looked back, she now settles for a good nap. Just a suggestion to check your DD doesn't have the same. Good luck