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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

DS1 (3.4) had DH in tears tonight!!

53 replies

TheGoddessBlossom · 20/01/2008 21:40

He has just been IMPOSSIBLE this weekend (DS1 that is not DH). Ask him 30 times to do something, then have to shout, he ignores, refuses, shouts, screams, throws a wobbly. Totally exhausting and frustrating, and by tonight Dh had had enough and really lost it with him, really shouted, put him to bed with no bath and no story, and DS1 cried himself to sleep. Dh felt so bad he was in tears himself!

We really are at a loss with what to do with him at the moment, he's always been boisterous and cheeky, but usually a few threats of withdrawal of toys or treats or a spell on the naughty step works. Not any more. He's been to a party today, been out on his bike, loads of fun, and still cannot do a BLOODY THING HE IS TOLD!!!!

What the hell ar we doing wrong??? Please tell me this is a phase.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

harpsichordcarrier · 20/01/2008 22:17

yes, you can insist on children "doing as they are told".
it will take up a huge amount of time and energy and you will get frustrated and angry and you will cry!
or you can relax a bit and just go with the flow a bit more and take a more piecemeal approach e.g. getting them to behave well at other peoples' houses etc.
and concentrate on a few things at a time.
also there is not one way to set boundaries. i.e. it really isn't necessary to shout and yell and be "strict" and draconian. you can get your child to do what you want in other, smarter, less stressful ways. and you will have more fun and enjoy parenting more.
but it makes no sense to say they must do this at three otherwise they never will. because children of three are not the same as children of eight (der). it is important to take into consideration your child's stage of development and what is appropriate.

pootleflump · 20/01/2008 22:18

My dd is 3.3 and just this past week has started behaving like this as well, she has suddenly become very sensitive to being told off- if I slightly raise my voice to her she'll say 'no, I will NOT do because you are telling me off!'

I've picked up a lot of tips here but already I've found that taking 5 minutes out, like kindersurprise says, to read a book or have a chat does work wonders.

harpsichordcarrier · 20/01/2008 22:19

ooh yes good point about the assertive tone.
I try and aim for brisk but jolly.

FrannyandZooey · 20/01/2008 22:22

HC that is your default personality

harpsichordcarrier · 20/01/2008 22:23

true enough
it works with adults too

FrannyandZooey · 20/01/2008 22:25

Oblomov · 20/01/2008 22:25

Ds likes the imagination one:
Are you cross?
Becasue mummy is starting to get cross now.
Wouldn't it be funny, if every person in the world, who had shoes....
little voice pipes up - " and Buzz Lightyear mummy"
yes darling, AND Buzz Lightyear, wouldn't it be funny if ....

harpsichordcarrier · 20/01/2008 22:26

the imagination thing is incredibly exhausting but effective imo

Monkeytrousers · 20/01/2008 22:27

Testing boundaries is normal - it's how healthy personalities develop.

Be careful not to squash that development or things will be much worse for you all later. Pick your battles.

Oblomov · 20/01/2008 22:27

Harpsi, so true, which is why I do, as they recommend, only use it as an emergency, when I am just about to lose my rag

Oblomov · 20/01/2008 22:29

Monkeytrouses, that is so true aswell, you have to narrow it down to the important things, and let the others go - I found that hard at first.

Monkeytrousers · 20/01/2008 22:32

Laughing is a good way to get out of awkward moments. And cuddling and tickling.

hunkermunker · 20/01/2008 22:36

Try humour, definitely.

I have recently discovered that DS1 has seven feet and five arms and several heads. He has to come and show me he has only got two, two and one - he does, because he thinks it's funny. So then I can dress his two feet (while asking him if he's sure there are only two and pretend counting seven of them).

Going upstairs we have a tickle monster that gets him to go.

As Harpsi's said elsewhere, childhood shouldn't be a list of joyless rules. Not suggesting that that's what you have, but it's definitely something I think about a lot.

soapbox · 20/01/2008 22:45

I think at this age actually physically directing them works better than constant nagging.

Ask once for them to come for bath time, then if they don't come pick them up and take them to the bath.

Same for shoes - 'shoes off please' then if no reponse take them off for them. If they wail, then its a brusque, 'oh well, if you're quicker next time then you'll get them off before I do!'.

Eating totally ignore - no nagging or persuading at all. At end of meal, when everyone is finished you clear the plate and put straight in the bin. If they haven't eaten enough they will be hungry by the next meal.

For things where you do need them to actually cooperate, then count to three slowly, with a warning that if they haven't done it then XYZ will happen. So 'come and sit at the table nicely please!' is followed by, I am going to count to three and if you are not sitting nicely at the table then there will be no TV all day tomorrow... 1... 2....'

I'd really look to minimise the things you need him to do though, and just physically shepherd them through the majority of them. Better that than living in a war zone

Klaw · 20/01/2008 22:47

"please come upstairs it's bath time. Please come uptairs it's bath time. Come on H, it's bath time, want to do the bubbles? Come on you're in charge of bubbles... H, bath time hon, come on, upstairs we go, H, bath time, up we go then.... etc"

Oh God NO, TGB!!!! If you go on and on like that they just ignore you all the more, it's like white noise.... and it sounds like he's in charge rather than the other way round. You need to be assertive and take the lead

"Right, H, it's bath time!" in a jolly tone, take him by the hand and lead him up talking about which bath toys he would like to have in the bath that night.

If he says no to the bath, then say "right, lets get you changed for bed"

Either he'll stall for time and ask for the bath or he'll accept bed. Toddlers don't have to have a bath every night. I used to give dd (2.7) a bath every night cos of the routine of it, it signified wind down time... but now we're quite flexible and I don't insist on it every night.

Do you see what I mean? Do you think this might work for you?

TotalChaos · 20/01/2008 22:51

I'm completely with Soapbox here. That's how I usually deal with DS (3.10). At this age, it's just not that important that e.g. they do shoes off etc at home on demand.

hunkermunker · 20/01/2008 22:54

Yep, agree that you need to keep any directions minimal at this age. Don't nag, however kindly.

SaveScrabulous · 20/01/2008 22:54

I'm probably not adding anything here but I split undesirable behaviour into three categories and deal with it accordingly. Somehow doing this helps me keep my cool more:

stuff that is non-negotiable - no games no messing I'm just going to say no to ds and tell him off. If he doesn't then comply there is a sanction e.g toy taken away.

stuff that's mildly naughty/ annoying/ undersirable e.g. arsing around at meal times. which I want to change/ stop happening. With this category I will invest time and imagination in sorting it out. It might be making something into a game, it might be a little role play or something like that. It's a pain sometimes when I'm tired or having a bad day and requires a ton of patience but it works for us. It might be just saying 'have you ever seen x (someone ds likes) doing that' no etc. It is probably easier in the short term for me to nag him but in the longer term I think this is a better approach for me and ds and tends to keep the mood lighter.

stuff I'd rather ds didn't do but I can't be bothered picking battles about.

Ineedacleaner · 20/01/2008 23:17

take your shoes off please, they are muddy." the second time you just say "Shoes!"

I do this with dd always have, never read the book am just too lazy to get into huge conversations and repeating myself.

My DH has never ever learnt to pick his battles and him and dd are clashing all the time (she is 4 BTW) he ends up shouting and getting totally stressed about it, me I am a bit more laid back and like SaveScrabulous kind of have a range of behaviours from the non negotiable to the oh heck it is not really worth the energy trying to change this.

I also think you are verbalising too much you are repeating too much rather than being a bit more pro-active about it.

If you want him to get in the bath then 2 maybe 3 times is my limit of asking then I physically ste in and take them for a bath, not harshly more with gentle guidance, take their hand etc. I personally think by asking again and again that you are giving yourself more stress and more work. I mean why would ds come for his bath? HE can just block you out and carry on as he was but if you are actually physically involving yourself after x amount of requests then he will realise that he has to come.

Also speaking for both me and dh I eould also say don't get into battles and cajoling at meal times. My parents never did and I was the fussiest eater now I have a pretty good relationship with food, dh who eats almost anything was made to eat everything and was always encouraged, talked into and even shouted at and he has a really bad relationship with food, has had weight issues etc as he STILL struggles to be able to leave anything on his plate even if fit to burst because he was "encouraged" to eat everything on his plate.

Countingthegreyhairs · 20/01/2008 23:22

Agree with SaveScrabulous's approach.

But TheGoddessBlossom, can totally sympathise with your frustration. Recently went through a very 'testing' (literally testing!!) phase with dd and got in to a bit of a downward spiral of negative interaction where we were clashing too often and she stopped listening.

Am now trying out the many strategies of "How to talk ..." and things are much better BUT I am finding that in rl the exercises are quite difficult to implement on the spur of the moment, and particularly when you have a time deadline. Drives me bonkers too.

For example, just yesterday, said "shoes" to dd (the 2nd time I'd asked her to remove them from the middle of the sitting room floor) and she turned round and said indignantly, "Mummy, it's very rude just to say "shoes" like that without saying please" and walked out the room!!!!

Ah well, one can only try ....

The best advice from the book for me though has been stopping myself reacting in a knee-jerk fashion (as others have said) and pausing to think "does this really matter if I don't insist?" and second giving dd more responsibility of her own, ie, asking her "if you had a little girl who didn't like her hair being washed, but her hair had paint/plasticine in it, what would you do???"

(the answer to this btw was "I'd ask the fairies to come and wash her hair in the night while she was sleeping" ) but we did get there eventually ....

Countingthegreyhairs · 20/01/2008 23:25

Sorry, left off last point:

so if anyone implementing "How to talk ..." strategies has any advice about using them when up against the clock (other than starting half an hour earlier - we already do that) I'd be very grateful ...

kindersurprise · 20/01/2008 23:26

Countingthegreyhairs,
your DD sounds delightful. at the fairies and shoes stories.

Countingthegreyhairs · 21/01/2008 00:13

Thanks Kinder! Sadly, my brain isn't agile enough to keep up with her ...

bumping for GoddessBlossom in the morning ...

cory · 21/01/2008 07:59

The post about wheedling made me smile- that sounds so much like my dh when he's tired. 'Please do this, please do that, oh don't make me so tired, why can't you behave'. Whereas my approach would be 'right, we're going now'- cue: child taken by the hand and led briskly out of the door.
Dh is getting better, to be fair (and the children older), but I do still have to remind him that you don't galvanise people into action by modelling helplessness.

yawningmonster · 21/01/2008 08:01

Sorry to hijack a bit but with the whole idea of tell them blah blah blah then if no compliance take them by hand and lead them, what if that results in meltdown...there is just no nice way to do it when they do this is there? My ds sounds very much the same and I am exhausted with all the games and tricks to get him to do things. Choices eg would you like to walk to the bathroom to change your pants or shall we hop like bunnies result in "I'm not going I said, I don't want clean pants"...meltdown. Anyway much sympathy to op as this is our life too and its a bugger to say the least

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