What makes a child a bully or a child that is bullied

[pepsi]

My ds 4.8, was upset yesterday when he came home from school, 4 other boys had him underneath the climbing frame pretending to shoot spiderman webs at him and trhowing dirt on him, he came home really scared. It was sorted out at school and I guess its quite a normal playground thing. He isnt a strong boy really not into power rangers, spiderman and stuff, more gentle cbeebies stuff. I have this feeling that he will be bullied at school as he gets older and always have had. Yesterday really upset me because I couldnt protect him. Is there anything I can do to stop him being a target? and when things do happen should I tell him to ignore them or fight back?

Hiya pepsi - so sorry to hear this happened. I was bullied at school for years and I dread it happening to my two. It is really hard at the time but the best thing for him to do is just ignore them. Are these his 'friends' doing it or does he have his own group of friends who are like him?

There are only 15 children in the whole reception year, split into two classes, 8 boys in total, his best friend was of sick yesterday, two of the boys were from his class though. He is a bit different and currently is a SN child. I feel he is the easy target, he is the most lovely child but not into fighting and pushing people around.

Both bullies and victims tend to have low self-esteem, ime. The bullies hide this by being bullies and the victims don't have the confidence to stand up to them. DS1 is a prime target for bullies because he has low self-esteem and spends his time trying to make people like him - although why he has to try escapes me as he is a lovely boy. This need to be liked is easily spotted by bullies who then target him. He is also very sensitive and tends to react to taunts which just makes them do it more.

I have tried over the years (he's now in Y6) to teach him how to ignore it/hide his feelings, but it doesn't always work.

I am sorry he went through this and hopefully it won't continue, did the teacher tackle this incident ? I unable to offer any suggestions I'm afraid as I feel my ds is a potential target too. He is a lovely boy, very polite, caring and calm just the type you want, but I do worry about him, there seems to be a little gang in his class that are a bit rough, also there seems to be a large number of birthday parties going on at the moment and my ds hasn't been invited to any of them, I feel sad for him, he doesn't care as he is not aware they are going on and I don't talk about them, its just I'm aware they are. He quite often comes home for school saying he hasn't played with anyone.

I am hoping some replys to your question will help me too.

I would take the "not playing with anyone" with a pinch of salt. Mine often come out with this line, but, when questioned, it turns out that they were playing with a number of people. Other parents have experienced this too. Sometimes one of mine will maintain that they haven't played with anyone, but his brother will confirm that this wasn't the case. Sometimes it's a plea for attention, sometimes they genuinely believe it (presumably have forgotten what they did!).

Its heartbreaking isnt it. We have also taught DS to be kind, share, play with others, respect property, be polite, etc, etc, then he gets to school and he meets other children who throw all that out of the window, must be very confusing, but on the flip side its part of life and playground life is good social building. I just hope he can learn to cope with it. If you find out another child is picking on your child do you just tell the teacher or would you tackle the childs parent as well. I know yesterday they spotted the situation and they were told that the games no fun if someone is not enjoying it and to stop.

true, I just worry about him so much, my dd is a school with him, so I am sure she will look after him if the need arises.

My niece has gone through a bullying patch recently (yr4) so my sister has sent her to karate classes, not necessarily to fight back, but to become more assertive, also the fact that the 'bully' knows she does this has seemed to make her back off a bit.

If this continues Pepsi, I would have a word with the teacher first, as it is happening at school, its their duty to try to stamp it out first. Sometimes approaching the parent can make things awkward, they are probably not even aware that there child is doing this sort of thing. If it continues, obviously more needs to be done. I hope it was just a 'one off'

I have heard of many parents sending their children to Tai Kwon Do (SP?) to help with their self-confidence. I wonder if helping him to find a hobby to spend time with would help. He could be proud that there is a certain thing whatever it is, that he is "expert" about IFKWIM. My nephew was very similar to this and music helped him a lot. Also Boy Scouts - do they have a group like that in the UK?

My approach would not be politically correct.

I would tell my child to try and ignore verbal bullying (whilst offering comfort and support to him / her) and would report it to the teacher. If my child was physically bullied, I would also report this to the teacher but in addition I would advise my child to hit back...(I do not see how this differs from the legal position of using reasonable force for self defence), since my view is that bullies will persist with soft targets (forgive me, I am not labelling your son in this way), but are easily put off by a child who retaliates.

There were bullies at my secondary school. Perhaps on one or two occasions I was targetted but gave as good as I got, and was never troubled again.

I really feel for your little boy and hope that this is sorted out soon.

I agreed Handlemecarefully. I told him yesterday that if they threw spiders at him to throw them back. It might not happen again and I hope it doesnt.

Message withdrawn

I really hope it doesnt happen to my dd either. I was bullied through both primary and secondary school, and it really knocked my confidence. Primary I was physically bullied, but secondary was verbally. I agree with handlemecarefully. If its verbal, then its best to ignore it, which is easier than physical bullying. But it should all be told to the teacher. But do tell your ds to tell you if happens again, as I never told my mum and now that Im older I know it would have probably helped if I had. I do hope it doesnt happen again. xxx