how do i learn how to relax more?

[robinredbreast]

i know i just need to chill out about stuff
but i just don't know how to

im always thinking i should be doing this,i should be doing that

robinredbreast - it can be quite cathartic to challenge your parents' views to their face, but it can also be quite painful and put strain on your relationship. I wouldn't want to advise either way unless I knew someone really well and had a pretty good idea of how it would all come out in the wash .

If you think that your relationship with your parents will ultimately grow if you challenge their sexist stereotypes, then perhaps yes, have some (gentle to start with) conversations with them about how you see a woman's role differently to them. But they may take it as an affront to them and to your upbringing, and it may be too painful for your mother to contemplate, if she hasn't done much with her life. What do you think?

i think i need to say something really anna, but quite what, i do not know

think ive might of spent too long not really voicing my opinions
i always try to be careful and tactful about what i say as id hate to hurt anyone,although people seem to say whatever the hell they like to me.

I just try not to get too wound up by their comments, and try to remember that things were so different for Mum's generation. I tend to avoid mentioning anything that they would comment or disapprove of, but there have been times when I've pointed out that dh should do a share of the housework, given that I go to work as well. He's self-employed and there have been weeks when I've actually worked more hours than he has - yet they just seem to discount that! It could be infuriating if I let it be.

yes surfer mum thats what it is infuriating

actally when i see mum and da i tend to go to there house as i feelas if there inspecting when they come here iykwim

so when i visit at mums house

mum actually says things like how are you getting on with all YOUR jobs ? meaning housework

i just reply yeah WE get there

perhaps my reply makes it sound as if we are not coping?

i bet i sound like a right flithy messy tramp but i promise im not and my house evetrything is done

I'd avoid answering like that! It's reacting to her question.

I'd just gloss over it and say you're on top of everything - not that you should have to justify to anyone what you have and haven't done in your own home! And then change the subject.

yah i thought that after i said it, i thought whta i said prob made it sounds as if be barely get there and just about coping

but it caught me off guard and i didnt quite know what to say iykwim?

do you think its a bit of a rude question or am i being a tad over sensitive?

Well, it's difficult to say without really knowing her or how she said it. She could just be having a dig, being overly nosy or she could be genuinely trying to ask how you're coping.

Ah, my parents were the opposite. My father was pretty good with the vacuum cleaner and the night feeds in the 1960s. It wasn't all sexism if you go back then.

As to whether to mention it to them often it's not worth it. I think most people don't change really so there's no point in provoking a row but do as you do. It's how I deal with racist taxi drivers - I never let the racism go so I'd always say - well I haven't found that or something but i don't start punching them in the nose. So just say - yes we're managing fine with the house. Emphasise the we but leave it at that.

well the tone was kinda snooty !!

oh well im never gonna agree with there views

i mean i dont think many people would agree with the whole you both work full time you have no children yet the woman does everything in the house thing

so if ther views are as "extreme" as this i dont think ill gt them to see things my way

my way being things should be equal

but ive had enough of listeniing to there crap,and dealing with all my guilty felings all the time.
i need to start to stand upto them

yes xenia that would of been a much better response we are managing with the house fine, ill use that one next time, well if im asked again!

xenia what other ways can i not lt it go, say things like well everyone has there own views but i don't agree with that

or do you have a better way to put it?

I think it's less about standing up to them and more about valuing yourself and believing in your own opinion. You could just accept that they have one view, you have another.

Every morning look in the mirror and say "I am confident in my own opinions". I'm not joking, it's called an affirmation. I think it's something like 30 days you have to do it for and you will start to think differently.

robinredbreast - therapy can be a way of getting your feelings off your chest (and the guilt out of your system) without destroying the relationship with your parents/close family members. Instead of getting angry with your parents, you get angry in the therapist's office.

MN can work pretty well as substitute therapy too; sometimes just venting on-line (and finding a sympathetic virtual ear) can make you feel sufficiently supported to let go of the guilt induced by your upbringing.

Have you tried that Surfermum and does it work?

Robin - by making a point to your mum and dad you might not change their views but they might be less inclined to comment on the way you choose to lead you life.

So, whatever you say - be prepared to keep repeating the message! Eg, "thanks for asking mum, we have been managing the house just fine." If they actually raise their belief that women should do all the housework, keep it simple and just tell them you both work hard in and out of the home and that's the way you like it.

I wonder if your mum really believes she should do everything?! Rather convenient for you dad, eh?

How about your DH adopts a more pro-active role vis-à-vis your parents and says that he likes to play an active role around the house, it's his house/life as much as yours and he doesn't see why you should get to run it - ie he's reclaiming what is rightfully his.

Yes, I have and it has - but it was combined with having some hypnotherapy and a thing called aurasoma therapy, which involves rubbing a coloured oil on my midriff each day (but now I'm sounding like a lentil-weaving hippy so will stop! ).

I've notice a subtle and gradual change in how I think, and I definitely worry less and am more confident.

im gonna try that surfer mum starting today

and i agree with walnut it may make them comment less on my life
and at least let them know i don't agree

i dont think mum really agrees deep down
but its like she thinks as she had to do it all women should iykwim

actually something i was thinking of saying something about a friend of mine when her grandmother died her grandad is totally useless
[ie my dad]
with bills cooking cleaning etc
could make an interesting point with that one

hes had a free ride really,i know [some] men didnt do as much years ago but hes never changed a nappy in his life

You might even find your mum agrees with you deep down and is perhaps a little envious. But I wouldn't suggest that to her! Keep it short and polite for now and try not to let it worry you too much or affect how you live your life.

surfermum could you tell me a little more about what you do with the oils and where can you buy them ?

walnut yes i also think thats true about my mum
but i hate dd to end up living a life like my mum had.

yes anna im gonna ask dh to help do that

wow all your children are v lucky to have mums like you,bet you are great at talking to your kids about there problems

i never really voice my opinions, think its time i did

Will do, am meant to be doing dh's acccounts atm so will search for a link for you later.

ok thanks

How do your parents justify their views? Some religions believe women should serve in the home for example.

But there's not much point in having a family row about it.

Of course you could start a conversation one day saying how strange you find it that your mother does everything at home and why does she think that is fair and how can she tolerate living in such an unfair way?

xenia they are not religious at all

they don't even try to justify it, they just think thats the way it is.
but nobody challenges them.

its even other things like if i swore,which i v v rarely do,i get frowned upon where as if my brothers swarethats fine

and they dont really approve of "ladies" going into pubs

its not just a housework thing

there forever saying boys this and girls that as if all boys are the same and all girls are the same

they really are quite a rare breed

robinredbreast - my MOL had a go at my partner the other day because I didn't go to the synagogue for my partner's cousin's son's Bar Mitzvah. I have met the boy precisely once in my life.

I never, ever go to the synagogue and, moreover, the Bar Mitzvah was the Saturday before Christmas and I had a million and one Christian things to do to get ready for all the people we were having over on Sunday (my parents, my sister and her family, who all live in a different country and who I rarely see). I went to the party in the evening (though even that was quite hard work as I was exhausted).

My MOL is completely incapable of understanding why I didn't go to the synagogue and thinks I am rude and disobedient . When my partner said to her that I never asked him to go to church, she said "I should think not" .

Lots of people have dreadful sexist double standards. You have to learn to keep a distance and lead your own life the way you believe it should be led.

yes anna you are right a bit of distance might help as really theres no helping them, just got to the point now where i don't want to hear them comment about the way we do things
with me never saying anything just to keep the peace

your mol must be blind not to see what a great person you are

thanks for listening im feeling better already
my plan of action is to say i disagree when they say something sexist or rude
and accept that thats just how they are

anna what do you think is the most diplomatic way to say you do not agree with someone ? how do you deal with your mol

I keep my MOL at arm's length and we don't discuss our differences directly - though she does raise them with my partner when they are alone together.

However, these are your parents that we are talking about, which is much harder and closer to the bone than in or out of laws.

If you want to raise it with your parents, I think that the best way is probably to try to depersonalise the issue and say something along the lines of "I know that in your generation and in the past women's and men's roles were clearly delineated with women at home and men at work, but, actually, in my generation, most couples share out the responsibilities of a family quite differently and DH and I are just like all the other couples we know - DH likes to do things around the house, to cook and look after our home and LO, and I like him to do that".