Parental behaviour - telling other people's kids off

[signman]

at a group today another child hit mine with a plastic frying pan, square in the face. i gave the kid a firm telling off, but was tol the whole group went silent during, and then looked at the floor a lot, after the episode. it's playing on my mind - what would you have done? the parent is a good one but wasn't there, and while he didn't cry, ds was left with a red nose for the afternoon (shame it wasn't comic relief day instead of children in need!).

signman - where was the parent and who was responsible for the child at that time?

If the parent was absent then I would have said something. I suppose it depends on what you mean by "a firm telling-off".

parent was quite rightfully getting a coffee from the counter - which we all do, and we all cover for each other's kids too, so i guess we were all responsible. i just feel like i crossed a line i spose

if the parent wasn't there - I'd have done the same - why is everyone so shocked when a child who deserves a telling off gets one - its not the end of the world FGS!

i feel better already. by firm telling off i mean holding the hand with the offending article, getting my face close to his and saying firmly do not hit people, hitting people is bad. standard stuff for real major offences in our house

signman - did you shout? I would never tell another persons child off exactly. One example I can give is that I was giving my friends unruly son a lift home. He was in the back with ds and kept hitting ds. So I said "please XXX can you stop hitting ds as it isn't very nice". he then told me to shut up. I then told him "please do not tell me to shut up as that is very rude!". That's about as far as I would go!

and what the hell is wrong in taking responsibility for the next generation too?

as long as the telling off was measured, reasonable and warranted .. good on you

and if we ever share a playground I would smile at you quite happily if you did that to one of mine (not that they'd whack anyone with a frying pan of course )

If you don't want other parents to treat your children the same way as they would treat their own then you need to be with them the whole time and ready to step in when your child's behaviour affects others IMHO

Sounds pretty reasonable to me! The parent was out of the room. One child hurt another one. You told the child that what they'd done was wrong.

i think you were reasonable... had similar happen to me this week, although I didnt say anything to the child or parent... my dd is 13 months, the girl who hit her over the head with the baby walker is nearer 3... girl's mother hadnt been paying much attention to the fact that her daughter had been running up and down and into smaller kids, and fighting with other older kids (mother was giving her attention to her other child who is about 5 months). My dd screamed so much her lips went blue, I grabbed my dd, and left the room, because i was furious. I could here the mother afterwards say to saomeone else 'well what was all that about then'. perhaps i should have said something. still feel quite cross about it.

spod, that's the thing. ds has been pushed before and i just made sure the parent knew in the nicest possible way, eg by standing next to them with him crying. but it never felt good enough if they did nothing, or just said in their nicest voices 'oh please don't hit them darling' or similar. i'm very positive with children but there are things that just merit a strong reaction, and outright violence is one.
having read the thread i'm feeling much better - almost empowered!

signman, if you spoke to the frying-pan child in pretty much exactly the way you would have spoken to your own child when it clouted somebody then you needn't feel bad at all. Even if you shouted - if you shout at your own then that's OK and perfectly fair.

As is quite clear from many threads on MN, some parents hardly discipline their own badly-behaved children, let alone anyone else's. Please do not worry about the silent looking-at-the-floor ones.

actually, the silent lookng at the floor ones probably wish they had the balls to do some telling off... at our group there is the occaisonal kiddie who comes along and hits everyone else... and the rest of us stand their and grit our teeth hoping they dont return the following week. thing is I'm a newbie and dont feel i can say anything

hmmm. depends what you mean by a firm telling off. i don't mind saying something like "we don't do hitting/throwing sand etc" in a non-negotiable voice, but i usually prefer to extract my child from the situation with a conversation with him, e.g. "that boy/girl hit you. we don't do hitting do we? because hitting hurts other people and that is bad. let's see what other children/toys we can find to play with..." i suppose i'm lucky in that i've never been in this situation when the other parent hasn't stepped in very apologetically...

I think it is so, so hard isn't it? I used to say to ds and dd outloud "come and play with some nice children". It sounds awful but I got so sick of it in the end as my 2 are not aggressive at all.

blossomhill

also, depends on the age of the "aggressor" child - ds once had a load of sand (seeing a theme here folks? chucked in his face by an 18m (?) old toddler at our local sandpit - absolutely no point coming down heavy on the other child - he was simply too young to get it and his behaviour was appropriate for his age.

sorry, signman, i'm not unsympathetic, honest just thinking that maybe responses would vary depending on the circumstances. hope your ds is ok.

I personally don't like categorising children as nice or not nice .. its the behaviour that's at fault and deserves a reprimand

I vividly remember being in a group of mothers and children, when all the children were generally milling around and getting along fine but one child aged nearly 2 kept clouting mine aged 13 months (no others, just mine - smallest there) - I told it off and told it off but its mother wasn't there, and the mother supposed to be in charge of it was taking no notice, and I ended up giving it a gentle smack, following which the mother supposed to be in charge of it rolled her eyes at another mother and then removed it from the arena. I suppose with hindsight that was wrong and I should have told her to do something about it but you do expect repsonsible parents to act responsibly...

JanH - if anyone even touched my kids gently smacking or not I would hit the roof. Sorry but I honestly would explode.

yes, I did say it was wrong

I know JanH. I wasn't having a go but seriously I would have been annoyed. No offence

I feel most comfortable in settings of 'collective responsibility' with friends/acquaintances whom I can trust to 'have words' with my boys if necessary, and who I know will be quite happy for me to reciprocate with theirs.

It is such an interesting issue this one (as are many MN debates of course)

I often think some parents can see no wrong in their child, so are always quick to blame another, or just not intervene when their little darling is terrorising!!

Personally I am now more confident with the rights and wrongs of childplay, eg.. my ds is playing with a set of trains, another boy takes them off him, that is wrong

• so I will tell him..

I will also try and act as part of a diplomatic peace mission, and attempt to alleviate the situation for both of the stubborn little mites!

I would expect other Parents to do the same, however some are a little more protective of their own, which causes confusion all round I think.

Went to a friends the other week. Friend was supervsing my child & her own. My DS was being a bit silly so she told him to sit down & be good. Must admit at first I was a bit taken aback - but soon after realised I would have done the same. (& indeed have done the same in similar situations!)