Parental behaviour - telling other people's kids off

[signman]

at a group today another child hit mine with a plastic frying pan, square in the face. i gave the kid a firm telling off, but was tol the whole group went silent during, and then looked at the floor a lot, after the episode. it's playing on my mind - what would you have done? the parent is a good one but wasn't there, and while he didn't cry, ds was left with a red nose for the afternoon (shame it wasn't comic relief day instead of children in need!).

janh if another parent dared to smack my child i would be incandescent with fury

yeah, I know, sq

It was a long time ago. I wasn't as well-educated then.

just shocked and surprised as you are one of my favourite m'netters! slinks away as that is one of those cliquey type remarks that really annoys me when other people do it!

Thanks for comp, sq

I am older now and somewhat wiser...wouldn't do it now but hey, we all make mistakes.

and I thought it might make signman (and anyone else who thought they shouldn't have told off someone else's child) feel a bit better about it.

There.

My basic rule is if the mum is in the same room she is responsible for her kid. Even if she doesn't see that her child is behaving badly I would never approach the child myself - unless of course she has specifically asked me to keep an eye out. Even then, if she's in the same room, building, whatever, I would, if I felt it was necessary, tell her what happened and let her sort it out.
I would remove another child from danger or make a big fuss of them if they've been hurt but would never tackle the child who's 'caused' the problem because we all have different ways of dealing with things.
I definitely wouldn't shout at nor touch the child who is behaving naughtily (even if the mum is absent and it's in my own home) because even if it's a restraining hold it could be construed as an assault depending on how the child explained the situation to the absent parent.

Don't you feel that is incredibly 'PC'.. but not very realistic CAB?..

Why are you so concerned about stepping in?

Surely most parents will want to know what their little darling has been doing in their abscence? (albeit short)

sounds like you must be a lawyer?

Don't get me wrong - if a child is beating up my daughter I'll remove my daughter and march over to the mother concerned and tell her in no uncertain terms to 'sort Jimmy out' or whatever.

I think I sort of developed this thinking after having to sort out problems at our local mothers and toddlers when complaints were made about a mum who was a bit heavy handed - shouting mainly - at children who were behaving badly.
About half of us thought there wasn't much wrong with how she acted, but others were ready to lynch her.
To protect her and other new parents from accusations of 'assault' (i.e. restraining grip on a kid's hand) we drew up a code of conduct for dealing with situations like this and it's kind of stuck with me.

I think I'm kind of with cab here. I would intervene if I think it would stop something - that's kind of instintive in fact, if you see something coming - but all I would do is say "no". After the event I would just remove my child and leave the offending child to it. Unless I had been specifically asked by a friend who knew and trusted me to keep an eye on theirs and who would expect me to deal with the child as I would deal with my own, i that case I would. (do as I would to my own)

signman, ask yourself, as a responsible parent if the boot were on the other foot and it was your child who hit would you tell it off. If the answer is yes then so it should be other way around.
No debate girlfriend, you did the correct thing, no child should do wrong and not be told, that would be irresponsible on our part and god only know that there are enough parents like that around.

If its a visitors kid in your house and the parent doesn't stop the kid doing wrong, well a person would be a fool not to say something. If the visiting parent is thick enough not to notice problems happenning, then they are thick skinned enough to be able to have someone else check their kids. Lord only knows someone has to.

SOMEONE HAS TO BE IN CHARGE AND RESPONSIBLE.
NO QUESTIONS.... NO QUIBBLE!....NO CRAP
in my humble opinion!!!

I was once embarrassed when a v. badly behaved 3 year old at my M&T group decided to pick on my nearly 2 year old at the time. He tried snatching the trike that she was riding, and I asked him nicely to play with the other one. He started throwing a tantrum and shouting with his face inches from mine that he wanted the one DD was riding and after about three minutes of him doing this I just shouted back "Well, you can't have it". Next minute his mum appears, much to my embarrassment, and said "Well done for telling him off, I'm having such trouble with him and I don't know how to handle him half the time". She was really pleased that I had done this, but I still felt very sheepish and embarrassed.

Wouldn't it be so much easier for all of us parents.. and most definately the kids.. if we could all sing from same hymn sheet (cliche 1)ie; tell the kids the same thing - ie right and wrong.

But at the end of the day (cliche2!!) we all have different ideas of what is acceptable and what is not.

For example, I probably react to my ds having some trains taken off him,but the carer of the 'offender' just thinks- 'oh so what'..let it be etcetc..

If we could all be fair with each others and our own children, perhaps things would be simpler?

I think my view on this has shifted, thanks to 9 months in a childcare co-op. I'll tell off anyone's kids. I don't shout, ever. I don't hit, ever. But if someone does something not-nice to my child, or near my child, or near me, I will tell them off, gently but firmly.

But then, I told someone off for queue-jumping (well, forming a new second queue, actually) the other day. And thinking about it, I talked to her just as I talk to my son. Whoops.

So really, I'll tell anyone anything.

Wow, Janh! Respect- you are so brave to admit your past "wrongs" to make signman feel better. It must have been such a different time/place- there would be an international incident of monumental proportions if someone hit another person's kid round here. And that's in a context where everyone (except yours truly, the wimpish anti-smacker) smacks their own kids pretty much a a first resort, as far as I can see. There are always (fascinating) rows in the local playground between mums over their kids fighting, behaving badly, being told off by others etc etc etc. So much so that I don't take the boys there too often because we all become totally absorbed and stare at the protagonists, rudely enthralled.

Don't care about cliquiness so will agree with sq that you are indeed a star- as is she.

And lol, NQC, at telling off the queue jumper

he he scummymummy, I too get terribly interested now in playground battles - lots round our way too.

As you say, janh, that smack happenend when times were different. Am I right in thinking that teachers were still allowed to smack pupils at school then as well?

Personally if a child hit mine with a plastic frying pan I'c concentrate on the frying pan. Cowardly cop out perhaps. I would ask the hitting child to give me the frying pan 'right now!!' Then say to both children, 'we don't play hitting games here, do we?' and then make a big show of putting the frying pan out of reach.
Then take my child aside and make a fuss of him.

I tell other people's children off all the time , but them I get paid for it and most of them are old enough for zits and stubble.

Can I put in a plee. Please , if a mother isn't intervening, do it! Far too many kids have no idea of how to behave and if they don't get told by their parent then some one else's parent is the next best thing. It shouldn't be a shout, I find a nice firm 'Don't do X, Thank you' usually does the trick. Afterwards find a chance to praise the child for something and/or distract.

We all need this, and so do our kids. I takes a village to raise a child IMHO

As the mother of boisterous boys with only two arms and two eyes, I second hmb's plea. If mine misbehave please tell them off. My rules might be different then yours, but the boys need to learn to listen to someone other than me and appreciate that just because I'm not on top of them it doesn't mean they can act like hellions.

Oh thank you, scummy - felt a bit trepidatious about looking at this this morning!

I'm with hmb and jj. If my boys misbehave, I will jump on them immediately. If I'm not there, I have absolutely no qualms about someone else doing it for me. In fact, I suspect my children will take more notice of someone else telling them off than they do of me.

My ds1 is nearly 8 years old. I have a friend who NEVER disciplines her child; as a result he rules the roost. Fine for her, but he does not rule the roost in my house. If he talks to me in the way in which he talks to his mother, then I reprimand him. It wouldn't be fair on my own son not to.

I always look to the parent to `tell off' their own child first, but if its not forthcoming and the behaviour is affecting me or my children I cannot ignore it. I would be more than happy for people to take the same approach with my children. That said, I too would be raging if someone smacked my children, but then JanH I think you've already got enough guilt about that incident! .

Food for thought though....what if a child sunk their teeth into your leg. Had that happen to me once by a 2 year old (glad their mum, my best friend, saw it and acted real fast, otherwise I dont think I would have been responsible for my actions - natural reflexes take over )