Advice needed on how to help ds deal with his autistic friend?

[DrNortherner]

Ds's friend is over this morning for a play. He has autism, though is fairly high functioning and at a main stream school. Ds and him get along just fine, in fact his mate hero worships my ds slightly.

When playing his friend will have melt downs if he is not the character he is currently fixated with (Darth Vadar atm, or if he does not get the blue light sabre or the blue cup/plate etc.

Now of course, under normal circumstances I would intervene and make them take turns, share etc, but ovb I try to make ds realise that his friend likes blue so much, he should always have it.

How can I make ds understand the reasons for this? My ds gets very frustrated when his friends screams because he wants something, I hear him shouting he should share.

Am I expecting too much for a 5 year old to eb able to understand this?

Any advice/thoughts greatly appreciated.

Thanks

I think 5 is quite young to really understand but it can't hurt to try and explain that his friend really struggles when he doesn't have the colour he wants. Perhaps you could ask him to help his friend stay calm by letting him have the things he is currently obsessed with. Tell him he is a big, grown up boy for being so kind and helpful.

What does this boys mum think? She may well have some advice about how to approach this. Also post this in SN as there are lots of posters there who have children with autism.

I don't think 5 is too young to understand - my 2 year old understands there are things his 8 year old brother cannot do, and my 5 year old is very understanding about autism. The main problem will be how much his friend knows about his condition (you don't necessarily want your ds repeating everything to his friend iyswim). TBH I would enlist the help of his mum - ask her what she would like you to tell your ds, and also what she wants you to do (she might want you to insist on turn taking- we do some with severely autistic ds1- he has to sometimes give way to ds2 and ds3 iyswim - severely autistic or not he's not the only person in the household iyswim).

I think you are being very nice actually and I think this is quite hard for a 5 year old to understand.

As well as the obvious explaining to your ds about how his friend is a bit 'different' etc, is it possible to ask your ds what toys or games he is not willing for his friend to play with and then put them away before the friend arrives. That way that your ds feels that at least some of his stuff is not completely up for grabs.

In addition it may be worth calling the little boy's mother in advance and checking what character or colour is the current thing and asking her if he can bring his own (blue cup, plate, sabre etc.) with him.

And finally I would remind your ds just before his friend arrives that he will need to have the blue etc.

And as Yurt says maybe insisting that the friend takes turns sometimes might be ok occasionally too, though I'd probably talk to his mother about this first as I'd be worried about causing a really bad meltdown otherwise

dino - ds2 has teamed up at school with a much older boy who has AS (ds2 has no idea he has AS, doesn't even seem to notice- he just thinks he's great.) Last time I saw his mum we were laughing at how out of the whole school they'd managed to team up- I know his Mum from the NAS but the boys have never met (too big an age gap iykwim)

yeah - its more whether you want to deal with another child's meltdown (I probably wouldn't).

Well, as the mother of 2 children with autism, I can tell you that if I was this child's mother, I would not want you to go to such lengths to accomodate my son.

And if he was having meltdowns, I would want you to phone me and I'd come and fetch him.

But I know most folks don't see it like I do.

Hi Dino. It was OK thanks. Lots of tears and screaming (from ds's friend) he is tired.

My ds is either totally wonderful with him or winds him up completley - he seems to know what buttons to press.

It is hard work - I only had 3 hours of it.

Some good advice here though. Thanks guys, hink I will chat with the mum.