What to say when my daughter's best friend doesn't want to play with her anymore?

[posyhairdresser]

I know that girls are notorious for cold-shouldering each other but for my dd (just turned 5 years) it happened to her for the first time this week.

What is the best advice for me to give her - she is very upset/tearful and also feels cross/frustrated about it - and I don't really know what to say for the best

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My dd's friend who is 4 regularly does this. I think it's a 'control' thing as she wants to totally dominate her but it's horrible cos it regularly makes dd cry! I notice though that she does come back with her tail between her legs, so to speak, when I encourage my dd to just ignore her behaviour and get on and play without her with someone else.

I think it may well be a control game in this case but it is hard to know for sure what it is all about!

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She does have lots of friends rather than one but this girl seemed to be her favourite friend - and she is encouraging another of dd's friends not to play with her either

It may be worth being quite matter of fact about it, not too build it up as a big thing. 'That's the kind of thing that happens a lot between friends' rather than 'poor you how awful' - its bound to happen again and better if she thinks it is one of those things rather than worrying if she has somehow deserved it

Could you lay on a treat - take a bunch of them out somewhere nice? You don't want it spreading. - Buy her way back in if necessary!

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The treat idea sounds nice - but do I invite the culprit?!

I also like the idea of trying not to make too much of a deal of it - I just don't want to be dismissive of her strong feelings either!

This didn't really happen to me that I remember which makes it harder for me to know what to say/do.

Yep - same thing here again! It does make me cross cos rather than my dd saying 'sod' you (in toddler language, obviously!) she just gets upset because she is her best friend. Sorry, I wish I had the answer but maybe you can arrange more 1-to-1 play sessions with others to increase her confidence with other children and you might find that there's someone else who she grows an attachment to.

Gawd, I take so long to post sometimes! Yes agree about not making a big deal out of it and the treat sounds nice. I wouldn't want to invite the culprit but I probably would!

More 1 to 1s sounds like a good idea too - thanks

i would say " fantastic now you can be my best friend for today and make some cakes and eat all the wroong things whilst dancing in the front room to the spice girls ( in my case 6 years ago) then draping net curtains around you and pretending to be fairies whilst you create a fairy cave with quilts and the settee. all the time eiterating what good fun "X" is missing am glad your my best friend today

custardo that is lovely

PH, is this happening at school or outside it? If it's at school and it persists it might be worth mentioning it to the teacher. We just had a letter home from school yesterday to say that it's National Anti-Bullying Week next week and this sort of behaviour should be covered by the schools policy, especially if the "friend" is trying to get others to join in. The school might be covering this kind of thing in assembly next week, for example. 5 seems a bit on the young side for this sort of thing - we have just had something like this happening in my daughters class but they are 7/8

Maybe I should have a quiet word with the class teacher - hadn't thought of that - just kind of assumed you had to put up with that klnd of stuff?

My dd just started school this term and has had similar from kids with older siblings. The "I won't be your friend any more" syndrome. I'm not sure what the answer is.

For me it seemed a good time to explain that not everyone we meet will be our friend. And our friends can sometimes change and move on. Emphasising that it is nothing to do with how good or nice a person she is.

I'm not sure how much dd grasped of this, but I have been working on making sure that we invite other children round to tea/play to widen the net. After all the people they meet now are probably not the same people they will be friends with in 10 or even 5 years time.

Boost the confidence a bit with a treat with a different friend. I adivse not inviting the culprit - why reward her?

I know there is a fine line between letting them sort it out themselves, with a bit of guidance from you, and becoming more involved. You will know best how upset you daughter is by these incidents. Certainly if it persists the school should be involved - at my daughter's school, the anti-bullying policy covers: name calling and nasty teasing, leaving pupils out of social activities deliberately and frequently (as well as the more obvious things). When this happened to a girl in my daughtewrs class, the teacher was very approachable and supportive.

I suppose I am biased as I can remember my so-called best friend behaving like this to me and I wish my mother had intervened more. I think at five they are still too little to be able to stand up for themselves.