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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

CONTROLLED CRYING - comments and views needed.

97 replies

Lulabellx1 · 19/12/2007 14:05

Hi guys

Im thinking of starting my little one off on a controlled crying bedtime routine. He's 11 weeks now and needs to learn to go to sleep by himself as i have been feeding him to sleep previously, but this isn't working anymore and he has been up till midnight these past few nights.

Would like some opinions from those who have given it a go

Lu xx

OP posts:

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AwayInAMunker · 20/12/2007 13:59

Nope. Not on my planet.

boHOHOhemianbint · 20/12/2007 14:01

Hahaha...Yeah, Karen, I heard that too. My son is ok though, he can now fall asleep merrily at 7pm as required without electrical appliances.

It does get easier you know. I remember you get so tired you would literally try anything, but please hang fire for a bit. I promise none of this will be a problem in 6 months time.

casbie · 20/12/2007 14:06

my third baby (count the labours...) never cried at all during the first 6 months.

tbh, she wasn't given the chance, really.

is she hungry? boob.

is she wet? change.

is she wanting a cuddle? cuddle.

simple!

i carried baby for 6mths in a hug-a-bub and hardly heard a peep! tried CC with first baby and it was like stabbing myself in the chest with a blunt knife.

krang · 20/12/2007 14:13

I need a new coat...

Bodkin · 20/12/2007 14:14

You forgot - "is she overtired and screaming hysterically and by putting her in this sling she is now even more hysterical and even though I have been walking the streets for half an hour she has still not gone to sleep - perhaps I'll just try popping her in her cot and see what happens - goodness me 5 mins later she's asleep"

Cos, like, all babies are not the same

casbie · 20/12/2007 14:17

i sometimes slept with the sing on!

now she sleeps (2) on her own in a midi-sleeper, 7-6am.

: )

OComeOLIVEfaithfOIL · 20/12/2007 14:18

I found that as my two got older, I could tell the difference between their cries

so "ffs I am sooooooooooo tired, leave me alone in my cot and I will sleep" would be noted

now I couldn't do that with a newborn (at that time I was thinking "ffs I am sooooooo fired, leave me alone in my bed so I can sleep"

so imo, if you must do cc, leave it until they are older

personally I could NOT leave mine to cry, it would have been like stopping breathing

poppysocks · 20/12/2007 14:50

What we did, which seemed to work with DD, who was v. colicky and screamed the house down in the evening was:

When DH got home he would take her out for a walk in the sling. The fresh air and motion calmed her down and she usually dropped off. When they got back she had her bath and then I fed her. If she fell asleep I'd gently wake her, but kept the lights dimmed, noise down, room warm etc. Then when she'd finished I cuddled her quietly, saying "shh", "bedtime", singing a bit etc. When she'd quietened down enough to rest her head on my shoulder we had a Westlife moment - I knew we were nearly there and I stood up and just rocked gently. Suddenly I could feel her whole body relax and at that point I'd move upstairs and put her down, almost asleep. Sometimes it took an hour, sometimes half that, but gradually over time it got shorter until she could go down wide awake and without the rocking etc. She's a great sleeper and always goes down 100% awake now for day and night-time sleeps. The only disadvantage was that the whole routine was very dependant on me and although DH took over later on, she wouldn't let anyone else put her to bed until she was over 1, even though by then the rocking etc. was long since gone and it was just bath, bottle and bed.

Sorry, a ramble. It worked really well for us and on the off-chance that this works for you I thought I'd let you know. Good luck!

casbie · 20/12/2007 16:17

ahhh, poppy - that's lovely!

cherryredretrochick · 20/12/2007 17:31

Please read Elizabeth Pantley - no cry sleep solution. I know it has been recommended a lot on this thread but it is the best thing that ever happened to me. My dd2 did not sleep for more than 1hr until she was about 9 mths old and I had quite bad depression. I could not have left her to cry under any circumstances though, it is just not natural for mum or baby. If you can than you are braver than me. Still can't leave my babies now 4 and nearly 2 to cry. I think all that CC teaches a child is that you are going to leave them. And I had a lot of pressure off HV and friends to try, I am so glad I never gave in, I can look at my dcs baby time and know I did what I thought was best, at the end of the day that is what you should do, but please not before 6mths min.

jellies · 20/12/2007 17:39

Hi is the problem getting him down to sleep at bedtime or the fact he wakes during the night?

Pheebe · 20/12/2007 17:46

imo 11 weeks is too early to start cc, to work baby needs to be old enough to understand cause and effect and that you will come back after a while. that doesn't happen until around 4-6 months i think so your baby won't learn anything except that you keep deserting them. my feelign is cc is best kept as a least resort for older babies who are really bad sleepers

pick up put down might work better initally and is much gentler as they always know you're nearby as they learn gradually to drop off to sleep without being cuddled. we tried both, this worked much better with much less stress and tears for all of us and DS1 is a brilliant sleeper know, loves his bed and is happy to go there

Shitemum · 20/12/2007 17:58

I did CC with DD1 at 3mo. I went in every 2 mins and stroked her face, then left. After going in a max of 4 times she fell asleep. It took about 2 or 3 nights. She didn't cry much at all. After 3 nights she didnt cry at all, just babbled to herself for a minute and then went to sleep.
With DD2 I left it till she was over a year - really, really difficult, never really managed to do it properly, at 15 mo she still wakes me almost every night. I wish i'd done it when she was younger. If your baby isn't a big cryer you could try it with 2 min intervals up to a max of about 15 minutes. If you're not happy with how your DC is at that point then forget it. However, be warned that they will learn that crying gets them out the cot again and it will be a little bit more difficult the next time you try it.
y opinion is that babies need to establish good sleep patterns and they need to sleep enough in any 24 hr period - when they are asleep is when their brains organise all the information they have taken in while awake, it's very important that they get enough good quality sleep. I also think that a parent who is not getting enough sleep is not able to give the best quality of care to their child. When I'm tired i am a shit to my kids. They deserve to sleep well and so do I.

karen999 · 20/12/2007 19:13

Shitemum - your experience is very similar to mines. This is basically what I did. I also agree about establishing good sleep patterns. Establishing this kind of thing early on is easier but once established can make all the difference. I only wish I had done it with DD1 . If I have any more children then I would do the same again.

mehdi · 20/12/2007 21:07

hi babe my d still needs cuddle from mummy to get to sleep and nearly two. I could never cc. He learning slowly but i just figured that he would learn in his own time. I still have a life and if making him feel loved and secure means having to spend time with him so be it. Dont feel pressured to do anything you dont feel happy doing. I have had people telling me what to do for ages but my best bit me advice was my mum who told me two things one that i was a bad sleeper until two and two if babies were meant to follow manuals they would be born with one!

Bodkin · 20/12/2007 22:07

So, I am genuinely curious and not being arsey, those who are anti-CC, how do you cope when your baby is crying in the car seat, and you are not in a position to pull over? Even if you can put your car seat in the front, how does your baby feel knowing that they can see you yet you are doing nothing to help them?

I'll say it again. Babies cry. Sometimes you can't console them either because you cannot physically get there, or because despite your best efforts, they're still howling, and that's life.

gingerninja · 20/12/2007 22:14

Bodkin, luckily I was never really in the position of having DD on her own in the car with me. There was always me or DH to sit in the back with her and hold her hand, or stroke her face, sing to her.

Just my oppinion but if they're crying and you're there and they know you are then you're not fostering the feeling of abandonment which is my fear for CC where you actually leave them alone and stop communicating.

mummymagic · 20/12/2007 22:20

I usually sit in the back so I am right there with her.

We have only had a car recently, so I would always have been able to soothe and comfort almost immediately. Incidentally, the only time this happened we were with someone else - and it was HORRIBLE. We were on the motorway and couldn't stop and she had a dirty nappy but was upset about it, and then became really absolutely terrified wondering why I wasn't comforting her or doing anything. 10-15mins far too long for me. Actually, about 3 minutes is too long for me.

God, that car journey where we endured their baby screaming themselves 'to sleep' while they turned the music up - while ours happily held my hand to go to sleep or babbled away to me. It really confirmed my anti-let-them-cry stance tbh.

mylovelymonster · 20/12/2007 22:23

I think that when DD was that old we did the bath/feed/burp then put-to-bed and I would turn the lights down real low and recite nursery rhymes/stories in a really calm & slow voice which would gradually get her attention and as she listened it calmed her and got her into a going-to-sleep mood. That worked well until she started to roll onto one side but not figured out how to roll back again - and we just had to ride that stage out and 'rescue' her and start again. I think it took about an hour...she went through so many different stages tho and slightly different approaches worked. When she was that little it was definitely don't pick her up again once down (unless wind/dirty nappy), but voice and gentle touch/stroking forhead/head - massaging her legs and feet gently was great at calming her if she got into a state..............
Trying all sorts of different things was essential.

Bodkin · 20/12/2007 22:25

Do you mean you were never in that situation, or never really, which to me implies that occasionally you were.

Bodkin · 20/12/2007 22:27

You can drive from the back of the car?!

Bodkin · 20/12/2007 22:29

sorry, that was to Mummymagic.

mummymagic · 20/12/2007 22:31

Are you saying CC is a necessary evil or that the crying doesn't mean anything, Bodkin?

Is it that the babies crying while they are in the back and not understanding even though you are talking to them, you want to pull over but you can't... is really horrible but you have no choice at the time (obv you could not have a car )

or are you saying, it doesn't matter that they cry when they are in the car? IYKWIM

mummymagic · 20/12/2007 22:33

Er... I don't drive! And personally, I don't know how I would cope with the situation you describe as above. It's certainly something I would want to avoid so glad I take the bus or walk.

But anyway, back to the relevence of the car thing - see above.

mummymagic · 20/12/2007 22:33

but yes, that would be agood skill driving from the back!!!!

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