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Original poster

Have a 14 mth old dd and i feel like i am a bad mother.

56 replies

MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 21:09

I feel drained this week because dd has been a nightmare. In her defence she has been teething (molars) and she had the infamous MMR jab too on Tuesday.

She won't drink her morning or bedtime milk for some reason, she has always loved her milk and always drank the full beaker. She throws major tantrums at meal times and knocks the spoon from my hand (i have been mashing everything up so it won't hurt her teeth too much) and if i give her the spoon to try and feed herself she doesn't eat anything. If on the other hand i give her a chip or something "naughty", she eats that with no problem which makes me wonder if it is the teething that's making her not eat or whether she is just being fussy. Surely if the teeth were hurting her she wouldn't eat chips?

The other thing that bugs me is how well behaved she is round her grandparents, playing with toys, drinking all her water etc but with me she won't sit and play with toys, she always wants attention and is very whiney. She has also started hating being in her pushchair, she throws major tantrums now when she is in it. I egnore the tantrums and don't fuss over her because i don't want her to be a horrid child who whines to get her own way. She often lies there with her thunb in her mouth hating me and i feel like a bad mum who's daughter is going to grow up hating me.

It's all getting me down, it's like i have a different child. I miss my lovely little girl. Will it get better?

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callmeoverchristmas · 16/12/2007 21:13

On the food thing. Babies of this age hate being "fed" especially if they are a bit poorly. Have a look at Aitches Blog which will help with just feeding finger food.

She will come back, everything is a phase!

whomovedmychocolate · 16/12/2007 21:13

I have a 14 month old who has all her top teeth - she had four last week - so I do feel your pain.

They are a nightmare with food and drink during teething. I'm pregnant and still breastfeeding and DD has eschewed all food bar chocolate buttons in favour of milk for a week, knackering and annoying in equal measure.

Don't stress it though. I just keep shovelling her favourite food (Nurofen for children - orange flavour) in and hoping she will go to sleep for more than three hours and wake up a normal child tomorrow.

NB she's not having the bloody MMR either, I have enough to cope with over christmas without her getting sick too and she has had a horrid cold for weeks now.

I don't think you are a bad mother, I quite possibly am but hey, compared to some I'm a saint so.....

ArmadilloDaMan · 16/12/2007 21:18

she won't grow up hating you.

She is growing up into being a person with her own mind who needs to test the boundaries to see how much you will put up with. She wants your attention because she loves you.

She isn't hating you, she is just pissed off at not getting her own way - there is a big difference there.

Of course she is fine to eat the food she wants cos she doesn't care about aching teeth when there is something she likes on offer.

She is a normal toddler. She is testing the rules.

IF this says anything about how much she loves you it says that she loves you alot. BEcause she isn't afraid that you'll reject her if she does something naughty.

IT is all normal behaviour for a child of her age. It's fustrating and challenging, but ultimately it is normal.

HAve a big hug

Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 21:18

My dd has 14 teeth and they are still coming! She just keeps producing teeth!

OP posts:
stockingfiller · 16/12/2007 21:27

MsSparkling posted on your untittled didnt see your post till after i had typed it and posted sorry

Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 21:27

ArmadilloDaMan

What do you mean when you say she isn't afraid i'll reject her if she does something naughty?

OP posts:
EachPeachPearMum · 16/12/2007 21:29

Her misbehaving for you and not others is a sign that she is most secure with you, and feels that she can test out different behaviours with you.
It will get better- just be consistent with what she is allowed and is not allowed to do- and this includes what DH/Dp allows (if there is one!).

The teething thing is always a nightmare though, and you have my sympathy.
My dd tells me now 'teeth hurting' just so she can have calpol grrrr.

Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 21:34

Thanks stockingfiller, i have read it. I too put dd in bed when she is bad and leave her to calm down.

My dd doesn't seem interested in the Christmas tree and hasn't touched it. She doesn't touch the kitchen cupboards now either (although she does test me from time to time.) Dp and i decided that if she opened the cupboard door we say "no" and shut it. After three "no's" we physically remove her away to the other side of the room and do that everytime. She seems to have gotten the message, for now at least.

OP posts:
stockingfiller · 16/12/2007 21:43

you are lucky then i can tell dd no untill im blue in the face and moving her has no effect dd tests me from time she gets up till she goes to sleep it is very draining and often embarressing (we was at a party a lil boy same age as dd had a balloon she wanted it she tried taking it then when he didnt let go she tried pushing he still had it so she got him in a headlock and was biting him sooo hard she was shaking )
she can be lovely but it is very rare these days and it can get me down especially if i have been with her all day!
feel for you i really do!

ArmadilloDaMan · 16/12/2007 21:47

the reject thing is knowing she can do anything she likes and you won't leave her or stop loving her.

It's a sign of secure children at this age, I think because they know they can test things (and get told off) but their mother won't reject them as a result.

They want to see exactly what the rules are, what happens when you break them, how far they can go and if you will tell them off everytime.

WE learn from experience - e.g. that gravity works so everytime you drop something it will fall to the floor. They don't have that experience so have to repeatedly test it.

Same thing applies to rules - will you do the same everytime she tries to e.g. open the cupboard door.

It doesn't make the behaviour any less frustrating though

Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 21:50

I find my dp can be a soft touch at times and while i am trying to disaplin her so in the long run she will be a well behaved child (hopefully), dp backs down and gives dd cuddles etc.

Example yesterday; we were walking through town and dd starts to throw a tantrum in her pushchair. Dp gets really embarrassed (to be fair to him i am used to it while he is not) so he picks her up and walks along holding her and she stops instantly. After a while he puts her back in her pushchair and she creates again. She calms down and we go into a shop. Dp then decided she had been sat in the chair too long so he got her out again and walked with her. As we leave the shop he puts her in the chair again and she cries (at this point i get angry at him and say he shouldn't have taken her out of the chair in the first place.) We walk along and dp is very embarrassed by her screaming and tells me to give her one of my crisps and so i got angry again and explained that my theary is "bad behavour doesn't result in rewards such as crisps."

He just wanted to give her a crisp so she would stop crying but to me that would have been a short term solution and in the long run would result in "if i scream long enough i will get a crisp/treat."

I feel like we aren't singing from the same hym sheet at times and i have spoken to him about this but it's just the way he is, a soft touch.

OP posts:
PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 16/12/2007 21:52

i must say that dd was horrible to be around for at least a few weeks after her MMR - i was really surprised at the profound effect it had on her. and yes, she would raise her game and be better with grandma etc but with me she was very whiny and clingy, poor thing. she also had the rash for a while, so i really felt like she was fighting something off. my dd was 18 mos before the MMR so she was presumably stronger at the time as well... add to that in your dd's case some teething and oh lordy, no wonder she's being a moan.

wrt the food, don't sweat it, it's not a battle you will win imo. let her have what she wants (within reason), so long as it adds up mre or less balanced over the week. a chip isn't 'naughty', it's just fried potato isn't it? perfectly good food if fresh and combined with a bit of steamed broccoli and some salmon or something. also dd really loved celery from the freezer when her teeth were coming through. can't stand it the rest of the time, so it's purely a teething thing. good luck anyway, as i say don't underestimate the power of the MMR to make them feel like wee rotters.

stockingfiller · 16/12/2007 21:53

perhaps if you left your dp with dd by themselve he would have no choice but disapline your dd this is what i did with my dp he now realises he cant cuddle her when she throwing one!

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 16/12/2007 21:54

wrt your last post... agree about the food/reward thing but if the baby can walk happily at 14 months so much the better imo, it tires them out.

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 16/12/2007 21:55

gosh, i cuddle dd when she's throwing one... it's scary for them.

Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 21:57

Dp doesn't see her all day and comes home at around 5/6 ish and is with her about an hour/hour and a half during week then all day with me and dd at weekends.

He is off from the 21st December so i might get him to have her for a whole day on his own during the holiday!

OP posts:
PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 16/12/2007 21:59

actually the more i think about it the more i think trying to disipline a 14 month old is folly...

Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 22:00

My dd is walking around the furniture but not on her own yet. Tbh i am getting fed up with the "is she walking/she should be walking by now" comments. They get me down because i wasn't bothered if dd wasn't walking yet but people make me feel like my child is slow.

OP posts:
PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 16/12/2007 22:00

sorry, discipline

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 16/12/2007 22:01

oh god you just have to ignore the 'should be'ers, 14 months isn't late to be walking under any circumstances.

Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 22:02

When i say disiplin i don't mean anything harsh. Like the crisp thing, i just want to break tempery fix habits now before they become set in stone.

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Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 22:04

Sorry discipline

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Original poster
MsSparklingXmasTree · 16/12/2007 22:07

ArmadilloDaMan, your post has made me feel better. I feel better thinking my dd feels secure as a child and knows i won't leave her/reject her.

OP posts:
suzi2 · 16/12/2007 22:10

In my limited experience (DS is 2.4) these phases come and go. You're at the end of your tether then a few weeks later you have a perfect child back again. It's really tough when you have to start being the bad guy as they're testing the boundaries - but it does get easier. I've found that since DS understands better I can explain and reason with him (and bribe him!) and that helps.

I agree about the food. Offer a mix of foods so that she can feed herself finger foods if she wants. And chips don't have to be naughty. We make them regularly for DS - we chip potatoes to french fry size (his preference), rinse them in cold water and dry them with a tea towel. Then we pan fry them with a teaspoon or two of vegetable oil (olive oil doesn't work as well) in a large/deep pan for just a few mins until they're sizzling. Then stick them in a tin in the oven at 200 for about 20 mins. You can miss out the pan frying bit but they're crispier and cook quicker that way.

With regard to the pushchair, try and let her walk as much as possible if she wants to. DS always hated his buggy at that age and things were much less of a battle if he walked. Oh, that's another tip - choose your battles! And if you can, offer her a choice of two things that you're happy with either - she'll think she's 'won' as she got her own way.

PrisonerCellBlockAitch · 16/12/2007 22:10

yes, but be careful not to pick battles you won't win, that's all. sounds to me like somewhere between your dh and you there's a good way. some kids just hate buggies, but with lots of distraction you can normally get over it. i suppose i just think 14 months old is a bit young to pick up bad habits, they're only babies...