Have a 14 mth old dd and i feel like i am a bad mother.

[MsSparklingXmasTree]

I feel drained this week because dd has been a nightmare. In her defence she has been teething (molars) and she had the infamous MMR jab too on Tuesday.

She won't drink her morning or bedtime milk for some reason, she has always loved her milk and always drank the full beaker. She throws major tantrums at meal times and knocks the spoon from my hand (i have been mashing everything up so it won't hurt her teeth too much) and if i give her the spoon to try and feed herself she doesn't eat anything. If on the other hand i give her a chip or something "naughty", she eats that with no problem which makes me wonder if it is the teething that's making her not eat or whether she is just being fussy. Surely if the teeth were hurting her she wouldn't eat chips?

The other thing that bugs me is how well behaved she is round her grandparents, playing with toys, drinking all her water etc but with me she won't sit and play with toys, she always wants attention and is very whiney. She has also started hating being in her pushchair, she throws major tantrums now when she is in it. I egnore the tantrums and don't fuss over her because i don't want her to be a horrid child who whines to get her own way. She often lies there with her thunb in her mouth hating me and i feel like a bad mum who's daughter is going to grow up hating me.

It's all getting me down, it's like i have a different child. I miss my lovely little girl. Will it get better?

amen suzi2.

When dd can walk i will try and get her to walk as much as she can. I believe kids can pick up bad habits now, maybe not on purpose but imo there's no point in allowing dd to do something in the form of a bad habid just because she doesn't understand then one day suddenly say she had to stop doing it because it's wrong/naughty etc. Start as you mean to go on and all that.

Naughty was the wrong word to use for chips. I love chips like the rest of them. I ment chips aren't the healthest thing she could be eating but in moderation it's fine.

but really, bad habits like what? cryiing in her bugy? she's allowed not to like it, isn't she? i agree about teh food as reward, but that's your and dh's bad habit, not hers, iykwim?

Aitch - have PM'd you on the BLW forum

And for what it's worth, with a 14 month old myself it's distraction all the way. A lot of the time I think there's frustration because the desire to communicate outstrips ability, and that's fair enough - I'd get pretty fed up pretty quickly if I couldn't express what I wanted. I think it's easy to get hung up on the idea of bad habits, but these things are fixable later, if necessary, when communication is easier.

Mind you, I give her free reign with the kitchen cupboards - easier to cook if she's playing with pans than hanging on to my legs.

No not crying in her pushchair. Every child is different and there are many things my dd does purely to test me and see if she can get away with. But if i use the same strategy each time, she will learn that it is wrong like the opening of the cupboards. My friend lets her ds rammage the cupboards because it keeps him quiet. To her it's fine but to me it's bizarre.

If my dd is having tantrum purely for the sake of it or because she isn't getting her own way, i egnore the tantrum. I wouldn't give her a cuddle because what she has just done is naughty behavour and she will soon learn that naughty behavour doesn't result in rewards and cuddles. If she was genuinely upset about something then i would fuss her and cuddle her. But then this is my own strategy, every parent is different.

I suppose that's where I agree with picking your battles. For example, why is opening kitchen cupboards wrong? My niece got really good at putting everything back, and so for her it was a nice lesson that she was allowed to explore but that when she was finished she had to tidy up. I thought that was really nice.

My dd doesn't go in the cupboards now, like she no longer touches the cat food/water bowl that is on the floor. She used to tip it all up but i did the "no" three times thing then removed her to the other side of the room way and she doesn't bother with it now. Things like that make me feel like at least something i am doing is right.

MsSparklingXmasTree - my DD (14 months) is also still cruising. Tell the neersayers to bog off.

i really don't understand what's bizarre about opening the cupboards, though... i can see that the cat food is a pain but surely there's a middle ground. i'm not meaning to be harsh (i'm not, truly ) but i think i'd have more in common with your dh than you, parenting-wise, and i seem to have produced a very polite and charming two-year-old, who knows that we are relaxed about things it's easy to be relaxed about and highly unrelaxed about things that are a massive pita to mummy or daddy. i agree with habbibu, pick your battles. the mere fact that you've got strategies in place to deal with a baby doing ordinary baby things suggests to me that you might be cracking down on perfectly normal behaviour. but who knows? maybe you're right and your dh and me are just soft touches.

It's not about the cupboards to me because there is nothing in the ones she can get into that is dangerous or fragile. To me it's about teaching her that "no" means no and that there are things she can play with and things she must leave alone. It seems to have worked so far.

I also believe my dd should have lots of fun too. Aside from last week she is a very happy, smiley child and i am always recieving comments from people to say how happy and content she is.

To me it's about balance, my dd can have as much fun as she wants but there are boundries and i am not afraid to say "no" to her rather than just giving in to keep the peace. But again this is just my way of doing things and every parent and child is different so what works for some doesn't work for others. It's a learning experience for everyone.

Just found this thread.. oh my god, I am soooo glad that I'm not the only one with a 'whinger'.

DS has developed this habit over the last week (again, 3 molars coming!) I don't mind the crying so much, and the tantrums I can ignore, it's the constant whinging and clinging that drives me mad, to the point I would really like him to be in nursery all day everyday so i can get some peace!

He's usually so good and happy and smily, which he is when he is around other poeple (the bugger!), luckily, as it's so close to christmas, we have a lot of visiting to do!

Thans guys for putting my mind at rest that this is 'normal'.. I only hope he grows out of it really soon (last night was the first undisturbed night for about 4 weeks!!!)

Jodiew79, don't you find that you get a major guilt trip for feeling so mean when you know they are teething. I do and i feel like a bad mum for not being more patient when i know my dd is in pain. I too was saying in tears last night how i wanted to put dd in nursery 9-5 everyday because i couldn't cope but i know full well thats not what i really want.

It's terrible. I find myself really shouting at him sometimes, then feeling guilty and having to give him a cuddle, which probably just confuses him...

I just really hope it's a phase and it's just frustration, (I can imagine how frustrationg it must be!) But it doesn't help my sanity at the moment.

The last thing I want is him in nursery full time, I'd miss him too much But it's so tempting sometimes.

I think the most annoying thing is, when it's the weekend and DH is around, unless DH takes him out, he would rather be with me, so even then I don't get a seconds peace...

MsSparkly, I think what I (and Aitch and Suzie) were trying to say is not that it's important that your child needs to understand no - I'm also not shy of saying that when I think it's necessary - but it's just q question of deciding whether this particular issue is worthy of dispute. I'd like to be able to rationalise my decisions to myself and my dauughter - you can't do x because y - sometimes that will be safety, sometimes because she'll damage something, and sometimes because it's just a real pain. And although the third is a valid reason, I do want to limit it - it's easy to let many things be a pain.

Top tip from my mum, which has proved very useful - explain what's going to happen a little while before you have to do it, so, if she has to go in the pushchair, say "you're going to go in your pushchair soon, as we're going shopping and we need to be quick. Then we'll have lunch and you can get out" etc. I've found with my daughter and nieces that this is really helpful - I think they are getting to the age where they like to know what's going on, and don't understand and get frustrated when the agenda seems to change suddenly. It's not a sudden change to me, as I've known all along I'm going to go to the shops, but she has no idea why she's suddenly had to stop doing what she's doing, and that is probably quite frustrating. She's too young to ask why, so she gets cross.

Teething and food - as I recall from wisdom teeth cutting, my gums felt horribly itchy sometimes, and biting down on harder food offered some relief. I suppose teething rings work on the same principle. Maybe that's why the chip is more appealing right now?

Glad I'm not the only one who struggles... DS (18 months) drove us up the wall this weekend! The thing I find hardest is that he knows how to be charming & flirt & make us laugh when we're cross. So he'll do something that he knows is naughty (eg trying to put his toast into DH's stereo) and then when we say 'no' he does impressions of us saying 'no' (scarily accurate) and clowns around to make us laugh. Distraction just encourages him to think that it's all the funniest game ever - he just keeps going back to it so that we'll come up with another distraction - he thinks it's hilarious. Removing him to the other side of the room would be a hiding to nothing - he can run much faster than me, so he'll be back there in a nanosecond, with me trailing behind! But when we're properly cross it upsets him out of all proportion - eg yesterday he bit DH's face completely unprovoked, so got a proper telling off - and he was still shaking ten minutes later, which made us feel awful. I think he's still insecure after being away from me so much when I was ill so he's quite sensitive. Anyway, discipline is a nightmare... Will be watching this thread in the hope of picking up some useful tips.

I'm with you on that one thebecster.. my DS (15 months) is a real flirt, and dead cute when he wants to be... I have to leave the room when I find my face cracking.....

I got really cross with him the other day, he kept taking my shoes out of the wardrobe, faster than I could put them back in, so I shouted and threw him on the bed (not hard).. Of course he thought his was a game, and the funniest thing that had ever happened to him... the bugger

My dd is a better girl this morning. She quite happily sat in the trolly as i walked round the supermarket. This week i will try and get her routine back to normal. She is so much better when she is in her routine, she sleeps better and eats better.

I too got my liitle boy back tonight.. Had great fun before bed time.. fingers crossed the monster has gone (for a little while anyway)

I agree with Habbi's mum that telling her what's about to happen works. We do this with DS a lot and it avoids a lot of big tantrums.

The problem with the 'no' thing for us is that DS understands "no" but doesn't think before he does something. So we end up saying "no" quite a lot. And if you have a lot of 'no' areas, things that they're not allowed to do, you could end up saying "no" all the time when she's a bit older. Hope that makes some sense.

Now, if someone could help me to stop DS tormenting the cat I'd love to know how... No amount of "NO" over the last couple of years has helped and the poor cat is now getting thumped on a regular basis!

Oh well we've created a monster here too. DD (15 months) has just cut a couple of molars and been ill on and off and has grizzled, whined and screamed her little head off on and off for what feels like an eternity. I didn't realise ones so young were capable of tantruming . Because of the teeth and illness I've been a little inconsistent with discipline because well, frankly I'm knackered and have the will power of about 3 seconds at the moment before I cave in or just loose the plot. For distraction, you need energy and I haven't got any, it's just exhausting.

The food thing, DD is ordinarily a good eater so I offer two courses and if she doesn't eat them I don't worry too much. She may eat a banana or something as a snack. Some days she does eat next to nothing.

My DD has never really liked her buggy but I find, particularly if she's teething, she's worse. I have an ergo carrier which she prefers so I tend to have to humpf her around on my back.

In situations like this, when I've got my own emotions in check. (I get really cross inside and then teary because of the frustration) I just do what she asks, ie to be carried. To be picked up, to be held because I'm hoping that if I respond she will grow up confident that I'll respond if she asks and so won't need to try so hard to get my attention. Of course, this is the theory. Not sure if it's right. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

agree with suzi and habb's mum (and by default habb) about the advance warning. i think it just takes the edge off the 'wtf'-ness of being a small child.

wrt to the NO thing, i always remember a child psychologist pal of mine telling me that children learn no before yes because they hear it more often, which made me a bit sad actually. dd, i was relieved to note, said yes a number of months before no, in fact she's only recently started to say it as a 'no, i don't want to' kind of thing which is a lot later than my friends' kids. she knows that if i say NO i really mean business, which i like. she's a normal, wilful, joyous toddler, but i like to keep my powder dry for when i need her to really listen. she's a really good kid, says please and thankyouverymuuuch etc, and i like to expect that she'll remain so rather than treat her as if she's goiing to become something i dislike. iykwim. i'm just thinking out loud here, not necessarily referrring to the OP or other posters.

I tend to worry alot anout DS hearing NO all the time, so what I do now is repeat no until he moves away from the offending area, and then go overboard on the praise and tell him he's been a really good boy, cuddle, clap hands, that kind of thing.... It's early days, but it seems to be working (well about 70% of the time..)

I too like the idea of giving them a 'heads up' about what's going to happen, an I'd never thought of it in that way before, but I guess it's really annoying to be dragged awat from where you were nice and happy with no warning!

see, i find if i just say 'darliiiiing' in a tone it has the same effect...

PCB I aspired to be like that too ie only saying no occasionally. Unfortunately dd has developed a really bad hitting thing. She goes and belts all other children she comes across which is obviously something I have to react to.

Its starting to get me down and like OP also feel like abit of a crap mother when every other child seems to be gambolling happily and playing mine has the social skills of a street fighter.