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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Think I have created an eating issue with DS-any tips on how t reverse this?

73 replies

smithfield · 10/12/2007 14:41

Ds will be 3 in feb- since he was 18months (or around this time)he went from eating really well, to becoming fussier and fussier.

He now eats a really good breakfast, 2 weetabix-followed by bowl of cheerios-sounds a lot I know but he asks for more at breakfast.

Lunches are ok. Apparently he eats everything at nursery, and a whole panini at his nanna's. With me he generally eats but makes a fuss unless its cheese, cheese, cheese.(as in cheese sarnies)

The meal that has become an issue is tea time, although only the latter half of the week (first half of week at nursery so just has his cheese sandwich at home) Which is when he has a cooked meal for tea.

I try and feed him for 5-5.30 at the latest, but it seems whatever I do or make for him,he refuses to eat. We went away a short while ago and he ate the same amounts during the day but still ate all his tea at tea time the difference being on this occassion he was in a different environment, and his cousin (same age) is a good eater and ate the lot. So did he.

Thing is I think the tea time has become an issue for both of us. A bit of a battleground, as ds is quite stubborn (as am I).
Im probably more uptight this time of day as I've been working. I spend time making the food (sometimes I take time to do this, mostly lately I keep it short and simple for ease)....either way it seems to descend into a battle of the wills.
I've used naughty step and negotiating (eat these two spoons and you can finish etc). Ive tried to make it more fun, making pepper boats filled with rice....trying to make a game of it.

Whatever I'm doing is obviously not working. If anything its become 'more tension' than fun and its getting worse.
How can I reverse this stalemate with ds over tea time?

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Original poster

smithfield · 10/12/2007 16:12

lovemygirls-I dont stand over him I generally sit with him and talk to him or do stuff round the kitchen. But I do get your point and from his viewpoint, I might as well stand over him, cos of the tension that builds between us.

I guess with the eating together, I think this would be too difficult for me at the moment with current arrangements, plus dh and I enjoy this time together and with his hours its the only time we get iyswim, but I am on maternity leave for sme of next year so I may well begin to eat with him on certain days.

OP posts:

LoveMyGirls · 10/12/2007 16:32

Can you have something light with ds and a proper dinner with dh?

rookiemater · 10/12/2007 16:38

I have the same issue smithfield and unfortunately I am already overweight so don't feel that having two dinners during the week is going to help.

How I sorted it is by completely backing off. Don't get emotionally involved, he will either eat or he won't. I also put different portions on his plate so a little bit of pasta and some cheese and a little bit of bread. Ok I know that atm he is highly unlikely to eat the pasta, but at least I feel I am offering it to him, plus I don't want to get into battles about food.

I would much prefer it if he gobbled up my homecooked meals, but he doesn't so I guess I just need to get over it. Interestingly at my SILs we all ate together and he tucked into chicken casserole and something with mince, which he wouldn't normally eat for me.

emmaagain · 10/12/2007 16:48

I'm an "unfooder". People in my home eat what they want when they want, limited only by whether we've bought desired item recently and, if not, whether the people who want to eat the desired item care enough about it to go to the shop round the corner for more.

Sounds like chaos, but actually as it happens, we tend to eat 2 formal meals a day together, generally home cooked. Because there is no pressure, people join in because it's a fun thing to do.

And yes, this has been the case since my children started eating solid food. And no, they don't just eat crisps and chocolate, but are just as likely to start clamouring for apples or chicken :-)

Original poster

smithfield · 10/12/2007 17:24

Rookiemater- thanks for that- good idea about putting the bits of different food on his plate.
I couldnt possibly do the two meals atm-I am 7.5 months pg, the size of a house with the stomach of a peanut
Like you said with your lo, demolishing the chicken casserole, you get to a point when you know its not about the food anymore dont you.

emmaagain- I like that- an unfooder. I need to become one of those !

OP posts:

mynameisnic · 10/12/2007 17:40

Please don't do star charts and naughty step and you can have pudding if you eat two more mouthfuls etc.

Relax, offer him whatever he wants to eat. If he refuses it, ask him if there is anything else he would like, if he says no, take him down from the table and get on with whatever is next in his evening routine, tell him that the cheese sandwich or whatever it is he wants to eat is there for later if he wants to eat it before bed time. If he wants it later great, if he doesn't no problem let him go to be and when he wakes up he will be hungry and eat a good breakfast.

Eventually, this will pass but it is important to let him lead on it. It's his body, he knows when he's hungry.

coldtits · 10/12/2007 17:48

Leave him alone, he's eating enough at breakfast and lunch to carry him through to the next day. Don't bully or bribe him to eat until his stomach is uncomfortably full. Don't make it fun, don't play games, don't even sit with him if it's bugging you to watch him messing about. Don't make distinctions between 'good eaters' and 'bad eaters', eating is not an activity that should be punished or rewarded, it is necessary for survival.

Set a timer for 20 minutes. This timer is for YOU, so that YOU have a visible end to the mealtime. After 20 minutes of messing about, take the meal away, put it in the bin, and get on with the rest of the night. If he hasn't eaten it in 20 minutes, he's not going to.

Also, check your expectations of portion size are realistic - a child this age shouldn't be expected to eat more than he could comfortably fit in both hands.

moondog · 10/12/2007 17:52

Brilliant advice Coltits

mynameisnic · 10/12/2007 18:08

but don't you think chucking it in the bin is a bit hard line? It closes the door on choice. He can't then choose to eat it when he's ready.

moondog · 10/12/2007 18:10

If you allow him all evewning to eat,you are encouraging him to turn his manipulation of the sirtuation to this.

FrannyandZooey · 10/12/2007 18:16

Your job is to provide healthy and tasty food for him - your job isn't to make him eat or decide how much he eats - that is his job.

ExDhsNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 10/12/2007 18:17

Never got the idea that you should just give up on making them lie on the nappy mat and go for pull ups myself. Ds had a phase of trying it on at nappy time and we held firm and used lots of tricks and then he started co-operating again. The idea of removing a pooey pull-up yuck.

moondog · 10/12/2007 18:18

ExDhsNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 10/12/2007 18:21

oh blimey no idea how that happened - it was meant for a totally different thread.

moondog · 10/12/2007 18:22

ExDhsNutsRoastingOnAnOpenFire · 10/12/2007 18:22

Apologies for that. I'd delete it but not sure how to.

FrannyandZooey · 10/12/2007 18:24

don't worry it happens often!

emmaagain · 10/12/2007 18:34

"If you allow him all evewning to eat,you are encouraging him to turn his manipulation of the sirtuation to this"

Eh?

Imagine someone saying "You have to go to the loo now. If you don't go now, that's it till tomorrow morning."

Eating, defecating, sleeping: these are basic bodily functions. If our children don't have control over their own basic functions, what do they have control over?

The best thing we can help our children learn is to recognise when they are hungry, not when someone else tells them it's time. PArental timetabling of eating is counterproductive - directly leads to people eating when they are not hungry because their physical signals have got screwed (cue: obesity)

I just don't get it, in the age of microwaves - "it'll go cold" is no longer a valid excuse for condemning our children to having messed up eating for the rest of their lives, is it?

moondog · 10/12/2007 18:37

Absolute nonsnese Emma.
In no way is clearing food comparable to leaving child with only a small window to defecate/urinate.

emmaagain · 10/12/2007 18:46

Why not? Is it healthy to demand that someone else's hunger is on my timetable and at my convenience?

moondog · 10/12/2007 18:55

Errr,who's in charge here?
The kids or the adults?
Last time I checked,I do the cooking and pay for it and clean the mess up afterwards which I feel gives me a tiny bit of authority in my own home.

FrannyandZooey · 10/12/2007 19:06

I think it is reasonable to expect young children to show the beginnings of fitting in with our social norms and customs of eating food at certain times

I think the OP's son seems to be doing very well with this as he enjoys a big breakfast and lunch. I think the fact his body doesn't seem to need dinner, or for whatever reason he doesn't WANT to eat at this time, is worth ignoring really.

I think when food becomes mixed up with discipline issues then there is a problem somewhere, and it isn't usually originating from the child

emmaagain · 10/12/2007 19:12

"Errr,who's in charge here?
The kids or the adults?"

I don't think this has anything to do with authority. I still don't understand why it's a good idea to teach our children to eat when they aren't hungry by providing food only at parentally-decided times. How is this going to help them either now or in later life?

moondog · 10/12/2007 19:30

So Emma,is there a 24 hour buffet at yours then?

emmaagain · 10/12/2007 19:32

Yup. Like I said upthread. I'm an "unfooder".

As it turns out, we all tend to eat together twice a day because we tend to enjoy each other's company, and our eating patterns often fall into the same rhythms, but everyone eats when they are hungry, and the microwave gets plenty of reheating use for those who are hungry at different times for whatever reason.

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