uncontrollable fits of rage - ds(4) kicked teacher yesterday

[fortunecookie]

Please can anyone advise me? My ds has always had a "strong character" but what was once considered terrible two behavior is no longer acceptable at school or at home. For ex. ds is asked to put toys away & he refuses & then throws a tantrum, shouting, flinging himself on the floor & usually hitting or kicking, throwing things, breaking things. When he finally calms down, he's very sorry and quite sad. What's going on? Dh and I are very worried & are going to see the paed together on Friday but was wondering if MN could help...

Hi fortune - sorry to hear this.

How did you deal with the behaviour from age 2 onwards? Has he ever learned/understood boundaries or has he always been this uncontrollable?

Steve Biddulphs book "Raising Boys" is quite popular on MN. I haven't read it so can't offer further views on it... but someone will I expect!

Seeing a paedatrician together is a good idea.

Sorry - this is a bit like asking someone who says their PC is broken whether they've actually switched it on at the mains, but do you and your DH have a clear, continuous and united front with regard to discipline?

Do you give him a time warning that in 5 minutes it will be time to tidy up, etc.

Dh & I may have our differences but we are absolutely united on the necessity for dicipline, boundaries, etc. When the dc are naughty or don't do as they're told, they're warned once & if the bad behavior continues, the usual punishment is being sent to their rooms for a "cooling down time". I set the egg timer for 10 mins & when it rings, they can come down again. This always works with dd(7) but not always with ds(4). He has a complete melt-down, throws things, breaks his toys, pulls the sheets off his bed, kicks the walls, etc. I've tried everything - getting angry (this does NOT work, just makes him worse), trying to reason with him, cuddling him...

I noticed an escalation of ds's (also 4) bad behaviour when he started school and my initial instinct was to clamp down firmly and tell him it was not acceptable. It then occured to me that both the school and I were running the risk of demonising ds and making the behaviour self perpetuating (as he stops believing he can be a good boy).

We have now approached it from the angle that he can be the best boy in the world, he just needs to learn to let everyone see that. If he gets through the whole week having been good every day, he gets a treat.

I assume from his age that he started school in September. If so, could it be this that is a problem for him. Maybe tiredness is affecting his behaviour. Also (and I have observed this with my ds), maybe he does not naturally know how to fit in with the other children and it is making him frustrated and angry and he just needs help as he learns what his place in the class is.

Good luck!

Fortune have you spoken to the school? What are they doing abut his behaviour? The first thing I would say is that you need a united approach - not just you and dp but both of you and school.

MY DS has a temper - he is now 7 and still has angry outbursts. One thing which has helped him is to try and articulate his feelings rather than rampage through the house. We do 'angry hands' - he clenches and unclenches his fists - also he has two cushions in his room he can punch - this is all displacement activity to get the anger out physically without hurting anyone else or throwing things about. I talk to him about how he feels - the book how to "talk so kids will listen" is great for helping children understand their own feelings.

I worked out the flashpoints - there are always situations where your ds reacts like this. For eg my son always had a tantrum when I picked him up from a friend's house after he'd been playing there. Identify the flashpoints, talk to your ds and agree a plan together - for eg I always give warnings when something is about to end,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, FC.

Your ds sounds a little like my ds2, who is also 4. Ds2's behaviour is mainly because of his AS and his 'bad' days are usually when he's tired and/or coming down with something.

It helps to give lots of warning before something different is going to happen, eg tidying up. You (and the teacher) can use a timer to show when the tidying up will be. It doesn't always head off the meltdowns but it seems to work a lot of the time for my ds2.

It's good that you've been able to get an appointment with a Paed.