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Original poster

ds1 has just asked me to kill ds2 as he does want him anymore [sad]

68 replies

oops · 27/11/2007 23:34

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edam · 03/12/2007 23:36

oh oops that sounds bloody miserable. But ds1 is not alone - talk to any group of people about this and there will be loads of stories of elder siblings saying they want to get rid of the younger ones. My father put a pillow over his baby brother's face.

It's good, in a way, that ds1 is saying this out loud in front of you - it means he feels safe that you will still love him even if he admits to his darkest thoughts.

controlfreaky2 · 03/12/2007 23:47

oh oops. really sad to read all this. remember me from mile for maude?
my dss are 21 months apart and things were really really hard between them for a long time.... a similar pattern to what you are describing.... until ds2 was about 2 1/2 i couldnt leave them alone for a single minute as ds1 would (seriously) try to harm ds2. he used to scream like a banshee for days each time ds2 reached a new milestone.... eating solids / walking / talking.... he was outraged afresh each time.....

they are now 10 and 8. sometimes they fight like cat and dog but mostly they are really close. problems are still due to ds1 being (over)sensitive and finding life hard while ds2 breezes through everything and is adored by all..... it must be v hard being the crosser / less cute one and my heart goes out to ds1 even while i find it INFURIATING sometimes.

i'm sure all the changes and stress arent helping things at all.... if nothing else it makes it all much harder for you to deal with all this. how long before you expect to be home??

do cat me if you want to chat. really feel for you and for dss.

controlfreaky2 · 03/12/2007 23:49

forgot to add that ds1 used to scream and beg me daily to "put him in the dustbin mummy so they will take him away" and tell me to "throw him out the window because i hate him and dont want him to live here"
it used to make me cry.
ds1 now laughs when i remind him....

Original poster
oops · 04/12/2007 00:01

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controlfreaky2 · 04/12/2007 00:10

oh how crapola.
dont let builder ruin your life and make you all scared..... if he has really made threats you should report him to police (seriously) and consider solicitors letter setting out what he has done and that if he repeats such things you will get an injunction against him and his feckin threats..... and he will be paying the legal costs of the injunction.....

keep a diary so you have a record of any shenannigans (?sp).

really hope things improve....keep posting. will look out for you on here.

if things stay so difficult once all this upheaval is over would you consider getting a referral to camhs for ds1 / for all of you? child psychologist may have insights / strategies to help things?..... just a thought.

lol x

china11 · 04/12/2007 00:12

Lets hope the separate bedtimes suggested work out. Although not wanting to worry your more, my eldest DS1 was 6yrs when DS2 was born, and never really liked him, think hated having to share the lime-light. Never been violent toward him, just annoyed with and jealous of the attention. They are chalk and cheese, and have never really bonded with each other, even though DS2 really adored big brother, and you can see he yearned for some brotherly attention. All was not lost for him, as when DS3 came along 3 years later, DS2 was over the moon, having a brother who wanted to play with him. DS1 merely tolerates his little brothers, which is sad, I know, but occasionally I catch them together talking about things, and it really makes me smile, so here's hoping as they grow-up, DS1 will realise 'blood is thicker than water' and actually start to get on with them, as they both are in awe of their big teenage 'bruv'.

controlfreaky2 · 04/12/2007 00:12

off to bed now!

Original poster
oops · 04/12/2007 00:22

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oops · 04/12/2007 00:36

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jabberwocky · 04/12/2007 03:21

oops, we have similar issues of difficulty with our ds1 although he seems to like ds2 quite a bit. He is showing his upset at not being an only anymore in other ways, such as an extreme pottytraining regression and sassy mouth. Since he has taken the potty training thing to the point that he has now had not one but two fecal impactions, I have just started him in play therapy. He is also very sensitive in many ways (your comment about touch issues comes to mind) and so I have set up an appt with an occupational therapist this Friday to see if we are looking at sensory integration disorder type stuff.

We do the separate bedtimes, which helps and I also plan outing for just ds1 and me as our special together time.

There is a book which might be of help to you called The Highly Sensitive Child. It has made a big difference in how I respond to some of ds1's more quirky things - he is also way ahead of himself intellectually as yours is, which I think compounds his problems in relating to the world at times.

Good luck, I know it seems as if they just suck the life out of you at times. Ds1 has done better lately by having lots of time to do his own thing in his room. He really loves to write and draw and I have encouraged that and promised to keep ds2 away and give him his personal space.

jellybrain · 04/12/2007 03:47

Hi OOps sorry that you're experiencing problems with your boys and seem to be under lots of other stress too.
i have 2 boys 10 & 7 who regularly attempt to beat each other to a pulp and voice their extreme distaste for each other but, then proclaim undying love in a way only small boys can.

DS1 has on more than one occaision expressed a wish to be brotherless and is the quieter, less socially confident of the 2 (he also has a diagnosis of Asperger).

Do you think ds1 might feel that you prefer ds2 and therefore if there was no ds2 he wouldn't have to compete?. Secondly you as a family have had a rough time of it lately and ds1 will be far more aware of this which might be another explanation for his apparent agression it could be anxiety. Also as the little one isn't at school yet he sees you spending more time with him and feels thats not fair.

controlfreaky2 · 04/12/2007 10:30

how are you feeling today oops?

Original poster
oops · 04/12/2007 14:06

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jabberwocky · 04/12/2007 14:17

I did make the call myself but the OT office said they would have to call his ped and get a referral before they could set it up. Luckily she is a fab dr. and they called back the next day with an appt. We're in the US, btw.

Also, I think ds1 is also a kind of borderline Asperger's case so I know exactly what you mean. He has a tendency to just watch other kids play as if he's trying to figure it all out.

china11 · 04/12/2007 20:35

Hi Oops, know what you mean about worrying another child may turn out with idiosycracies (spell check:0) like DS1. We worried about that too, but then DS3 was not exactly planned. DS1 has ADHD and we are sure he verges on Autism, as very odd and a complete loner, although, saying that, he is very intelligent and has improved as he got older (18 yrs now).
DS2 was such an easy child, organized, loving, calm and content - couldnot help but love him to bits, and seemed so easy to look after compared to elder brother. So when DS3 was born was worried he might be like DS1, but I can honestly tell you, he is different again, its wonderful to have 3 boys all completely different. So refreshing. DS3 is very sporty, active and effervescent (another spell-check and luckily loves nothing better than to play games with DS2. (They actually ask me to leave the room sometimes, as I am putting them off their games!!!)

Original poster
oops · 04/12/2007 22:50

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oops · 04/12/2007 22:51

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 04/12/2007 23:01

oh ooops I'm so sorry you are having such a hard time. The builder sounds like a total arse.

If it helps, DD, who is 4.5 has been going through intermittent phases of not liking DS very much at all.

Tonight, after telling her not to repeatedly blow on a whistle - she refused, and said "daddy gave it to me so its ok". I told her it wasnt and she followed it up with "well, it doesnt matter what you say. Daddy doesnt care what you say". Then refused to give the whistle, and I ended up having to grab it off her. I'm sure she has picked up certain behaviours from school.

Only last night she said "my friend x's hasnt got a mummy. She died. She wanted a baby boy instead".

Original poster
oops · 04/12/2007 23:33

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controlfreaky2 · 04/12/2007 23:36

it's because you are all really stressed and topsy turvy at the moment...
what are you doing for christmas? can you go to stay with any family / friends and be a bit looked after??

Original poster
oops · 04/12/2007 23:43

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chipmonkey · 05/12/2007 00:01

jabberwocky, my ds1 sounds very like yours at that age!
oops, could you talk to the teacher and see if she can figure out what is going on with ds1? Poor little lad sounds quite upset about something.
I do remember ds1 asking me, "Mammy, do you like ds2 more than me?" Nearly broke my heart but I could see exactly why he had thought that. Ds2 had such a lovely, easy nature and would happily sit on my lap for cuddles and of course was still a toddler, so very chubby and huggable, whereas ds1 was more of a "boy" ganglier and more serious but of course underneath it all, really needed the cuddles too!
And I would also agree that, however intelligent your ds1 is, he doesn't yet have the emotional maturity to really know what "killing" means, he's probably feeling pure old-fashioned jealousy which is nothing out of the ordinary among siblings!

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oops · 05/12/2007 00:10

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jabberwocky · 07/12/2007 01:20

hi, chipmonkey! They can be sooo trying can't they? I got home from work tonight and ds1 has immediately pushed all of my buttons Dh has had to do the nighttime routine as I just can't face it.

oops, I know exactly what you mean about wanting a new strategy. We go in tomorrow for the OT assessment. Am hoping something worthwhile comes from it.

stormtrooper · 07/12/2007 18:00

I just came across a good new book which might help - called 'They Started It - how to help your kids get on.' It's on Amazon, had some good stuff on understanding and acknowledging the differences between them, and working out what you can do something about and what you cant. I found it easy to read and gave me some fresh ideas.

hope it helps.