ds1 has just asked me to kill ds2 as he does want him anymore [sad]

[oops]

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oh thats not good! do they do anything together that they enjoy?

{{{{Hugs}}}}} lots of big ones, you sure need them. I've not heard your story before and it's tricky dealing with sulky no1's when no 2 seems so much bouncier, happier etc I have the same here at times.
We've taken the tack with dd1 here, when she gets sulky/sullen of reminding her that miserable girls don't have as much fun as happier ones, and after the last 3 weeks of us constantly reminding her of this, she's starting to remember to smile of her own accord 1st, when she catches herself about to whinge or whine. It's still a shock to them, to have to compete with their sibling for love and hugs, even though we know there's enough to go around, they don't always feel that eh....keep on with the love and let him know it makes you sad that he'd want to hurt his little brother, sure he'll come round, he's only 4.

Oh dear. I have been there. My lovely sensitive, shy DD1 is completely overshadowed by her happy go lucky outgoing younger sister. It is hard to see the older one so unappreciated when the younger seems to charm the birds out of the trees. There were times when I thought the sibling rivalry would drive me to leave home, but they are 10 and 7 now and get on quite well most of the time (and DD1 loves even cheekier DD3 to bits).
Just keep boosting DS1's confidence and make him feel valued and this too shall pass.

Oh dear, does it help to know that ds1 doesn't really know what he's saying? They don't know what death is at this age, they really don't. And although I was breathtakingly jealous of my brother when I was 6, I love the scrawny bastard now.

How about some fun things with you that don't involve ds2 in any way ... I know it is hard to find the time ... but like staying up for 45 mins after ds2 is in bed, and playing games or something with him ...

And how about some lovely roleplaying games with his little brother and you ... if you mimic affection, you start to feel affection. Especially if you're only 4 and have a shady line between fantasy qand reality anyway!

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Well, Mummy and daddy and baby usually goes down ok here. I have to be daddy , ds1 is Mummy, and ds2 has to be baby. Babies are allowed to crawl around and be a nuisance, and mummies still care for them, so it will fit in ok if you can keep ds1 laughing.

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maybe ask what he'd like to do...he may have a new lease of life if he knows he has mumy to himself

Would it be possible for ds2 to have an earlier bed time than ds2? This has two advantages - it helps ds1 to realize that there are some advantages to being the oldest, and it gives him sone ininterupted time with you and/or dp. It makes the evenings really long for you, but I think it's worth it - it was for us!

I have posted this before, when DS1 met DS2 he took one look and screamed .

It is similar here - DS1 is a sweetie but DS2 is a charmer. DS2, despite some communication problems, has a huge fan base.

I have gone for the split bedtimes - it has made a real difference. I, also, try to get some time separately with each of them - they do appreciate it.

I'm not surprised your DS1 is feeling sensitive right now; changes can be so hard. The only other idea is can you do something with them together that they both enjoy - I go swimming with mine (it is very hard work at 4 and 2) but it is a real bonding exercise.

sorry you're having a hard time oops. i don't have any marvellous advice i'm afraid, but did you get my CAT a while ago, we were going to go to clissold park. maybe we could be a bit distracting (& wear ds2 out ). let me know, & take care.

Like Colditz says, he doesn't really know what he is saying. DS often enjoys DDs company but this doesn't stop him regularly telling me to give her to another mummy and daddy.

I try to have mummy and dc1 days when dp looks after dc2 and just the two o f us go out together to a museum or art gallery or something.
It does improve things in the Ruffallo household.
It seems to me that DC2 or subsequent dcs are usually more outgoing and happy go lucky than dc1. DC2 def. has lots of cooing fans and smiles at everyone. His confidence astounds me.
My Dc1 never smiled to order and is not a cutesy type of person. I wonder if it is how you treat them- I think I was very intense with dc1 and more relaxed with dc2. Anyway give it time, and let dc1 know that his brother adores him nd is learning from him.

Best of luck my dear, I am sure when they are older they will look back and laugh at this.

Oh hoxton chick, I love Clissold Park! I grew up in that area, have moved away now, but I am still a north Londoner at heart!
Do have fun there and tell me how the old place and Church St is doing!

No advice but a big hug.
Have you moved far away?

Can I echo seeker's suggestion. Ds is 4 and dd is 3 and much the same as with yours, everyone loves dd but ds's fierce and furious approach to the world alienates people.

We now put dd to bed at 7.00 and then lie on our bed with ds for 30 mins with a big pile of books and hugging him.

AS I have a boy and a girl and can tell each that they are the most special girl/boy in the world to me. Clearly you can't do that, but could you tell ds1 that he will always be special as he was your first child (ds2 will be equally special as your last child of course!)?

Has your ds1 started school recently? Could that be making things worse if he sees that ds2 has more time at home with you?

Just echoing the others - dc2 def has the better deal and seems to turn out more happy go lucky!

We do different bedtimes - dd1 gets to stay up and watch 'dad's programmes' for 45 mins. Never thought Top Gear cd be such a treat!

She also improves if we tell her:

That dd2 adores her and wants to copy her
That we did the same thing for her when she was a baby, and though it might seem like dd2 does not get told off and that we boss dd1 around, that is because dd2 does not understand yet and is not able to help like dd2.

Still find it hard to get any time just me and her at the mo' tho'

will give you a full report mrsruffallo! we live a bit further south, but i'm a big fan of church st. lots of poncey childrens' shops now...

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oh oops, you sound so sad. do hope things get better soon. and the house stuff sounds like an absolute nightmare. take care. xxx

My God I read it as DH wanted you to kill your child.

Can you give DS1 special time alone with you?

Huge hugs for you.

oh gawd though

Being 2 is SO much easier than being 4.

2 yos DO normally have more fans. Because 4 yo boys are bloody hard work. They are also, IMO, a lot more fun to be with (I have a 4 yo and a 2 yo, I can say this!)

Good luck with it

I have been there. My oldest said to me. "Please take brother back to hospital and put him in a bin there, or just kill him, I dont want him anymore".

I told him I could not do it. I could put neither of my children in a bin, or kill them, because I wanted both of them equally much. I reassured him that I loved them both the same, and I understood that it could be hard to be the bigger brother, and it just made him even more wonderful to be a big brother.
He accepted that.

Your dc may not as much want to kill the toddler as need reassurance that you love them both equally much regardless.

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