Help-my 3yo has turned into the devil, i am at a loss as to how to handle his behaviour!

[shatteredmumsrus]

My 3 yo son was a realy good boy. He was polite, kind and did as he was told. Now he answers back and just does what he likes. When I ask him to do something he says (or shouts) 'no'. All i had to do today was go to the chemists. He refused to go in and ran off, said he was not going to the girly shop! I had to chase him. He screamed all the way around the shop at the top pf his voice.He wouldnt get into the pushchair or walk and hold on to it. Just kept screaming 'i want daddy'!Even when he is told off he doesnt back down. He is also very cheeky, it is embarrassing. I ended up coming home empty handed and crying- not like me at all!Anyone got any secret advice to stop my brat of a son please!!!

My ds is the same. I'm not sure what to do about it either. he keeps telling me he doesn't like me and asking for "nana".
Didn't mean to hijack but wanted to offer some sympathy as I know how unhappy it makes me xx

I understand. He makes me feel so un incontrol, i hate it. How can a 3yo make me feel like that.Even if i shout at him he doesnt back down, he will shout until he decides to stop.Even something simple like could you come and brush your teeth please- he says 'no'.i cant believe my ears.He kicked my 7yo tonight and i was telling him off and my partner said 'he is at a difficult age to discipline'! is that true i wonder? I cant remember my 7yo being like this.Im not sure my 3yo understands when he s being told off but he does know when he is being naughty thats for sure! He is in bed now thank god and i am watching a losing England, boo!!!

Hello - just seen this as I came on to moan about my 3 yr old and wondered whether this behaviour was something I was doing wrong or just general 3 yr old stuff. It is such hard work isn't it? My ds is into constant whinging at the moment - five hours so far and I my nerves feel like someone is running their fingernails down a blackboard. Hitting has reduced now.

Does anyone find the constant displining (i.e. sending to timeout etc.) draining????

May I add that the hitting is him hitting me, not me hitting him

Hello Berniebear, sympathies. Timeout doesnt workwith my son at all. He shows no fear of it and doesnt give a toss when it happens.I have nothing up my sleeve though so i am at a loss!He is the boss and that is that!Its knackering!

Ditto, ditto my 3-yr old DS. But today, to my shame, I resorted to a smack. It was a not-very-sore single swipe but I don't believe in smacking and have been feeling confused about it all day. Thing is, I don't have a better idea. Please, all you in control but no-smack mummies tell me what you would have done:

I took him to the loo in a mall for a wee and he then refused to wash his hands. I insisted, used my stern voice, warned him he would be in trouble...and he faced me down, simply saying "NO" in a very adult way looking me in the eye. I felt I had to do something after all my warnings. I had already said "no bedtime stories" because he ignored me when I told him not to get out of the car. So I smacked him, he cried, I hugged him. I'm still not sure what else I could have done. I do feel I'm in danger of losing all authority - he can be so cheeky and defiant - and that anything, even smacking, would be better than that. But I feel so disappointed in myself to have to resort to hitting to have any authority. I'd really welcome any suggestions for a different way to deal with the situation.

I am going through exactly the same things with my 3.6 ds I feel I have to threaten him with getting no treats which can work for a short while. But he enjoys teasing and pushing his 2yrs dd I tell him no till i am blue in the face and after a few hours get so frustrated. Ds is off playschool with chickpox now so is all day long, even if take them out he is on at dd. I give him 3 levels of warning and on 3rd he knows will be time out in a another room, maybe shouldnt do 3 levels but it gets so tiresome (Up in night with dd too so shattered with short fuse!)I think it is a boy thing not that that is an exscuse.

Worriermum I admit to the odd smack out of total frustration but dont find it gets me anywhere anyway, it doesnt really change his attitude. So try not to too. I'm hoping its a phase he has been through some pretty bad phases already like hitting at nursery and me having to tail him around all the timebut has stopped that now. How do you make a 3 yr old actually listen?

Em you're right - it's worth remembering the awful phases that have come and gone. But I do worry about the disobedience and insolence I'm seeing. I'm afraid that if I don't sort it now it will be a pattern for life.

I sympathise with all the comments below - I have a son 3 and daughter nearly 9 - My son basically gets his own way most of the time as I cant cope with the whinging and crying as it lasts for hours. He spits at his sister and has left scars on her face where he's scratched her. He also seems to have a think with the order of things such as routines and it HAS to be in this order or he goes wild .....has anyone else come across this ?

Yes I know what you mean andie with the routines. With my ds its not everything but once he gets it set in his head it has to be a certain way. He has become a right nag as well & barely seems to give me a break when he wants something, I have tried not to get things immediately & set him a time eg in half hour or once his finished something else.
worrier mum i know what you mean i think is this the way it will always be and its his teens come early. All i amclinging to is time out and sticking to rules no matter what the fuss. ds has started playschool5 mornings a week and this is a godsend i think he is learning more discipline himself and is independant. He has only been sat on the mat 3 times!! so is quickly learning, I am just relieved to be getting help from the school with discipline cos the kids get fed up of mum sometimes too.

So! I am having the same problem with my ds and asked my HV about it - she said that they have started to call it threeteens and it's part of their development... they are asserting independence and the need for control blah blah blah. She also asked about changes in schedule as this can make it worse (in my case my dh has been working late and weekends and hasn't been around much). She didn't actually say much when I asked her how to get around it, other than the whole timeout, no treats etc etc (which hasn't really worked..) So, I tried something my mum used to do which is to totally ignore his shouting and tantrums. I actually say "i am not going to speak to you until you quiet down etc' If I am in public, I gather him up and take him home without saying a word to him. He hates it and it's more of a punishment than timeout etc. Hopefully I am not scarring him for life.
On the flip side, when he is good I make a huge deal about it. This week has been much better so it may be worth a shot.

At least im not alone, thanks mummies. I have had a better day too, must be friday and we aew all feeling a little more chilled. My son bosses his older brother round something terrible. He turns the tv off when he is watching it and says 'no' to his every suggestion.I have resorted the the naughty corner today which went ok. They cant half whinge though, it goes right through me and i feel like im gonna explode! I think you have to find a discipline and stick to it, dont chop and change. I am guilty of smacking my son too, actually i dont feel guilty about it at all, he deserved it. What a horrible Mummy. He had warning and pushed me to the limit but you know what all he was upset by was the fact that his leg hurt, and couldnt remember why it all happened in the first place.(he got the tea towel and said he was wiping the smack off, i had to secretly laugh) So i think its a waste of time and only winds us up even more!He had a late afternoon nap so we have the pleasure of his company for a while yet.Lovely!!!

i think three is a very challenging age indeed. My ds was hard work and challenging at this age and I got round it by coming at things from different angles.

Main thing: choose your battles. You don't have to impose your authority just for the sake of it. For example, with hand washing, if ds was to refuse, I wouldn't immediately say "Yes you will" and turn it into a power struggle, I'd say instead something like "hmm, thing is, you have to have clean hands to eat your gingerbread, so if you won't wash your hands, hmm, I don't suppose you'll be able to eat your gingerbread".....or some such thing. They need to see there is a logical and compelling reason for doing this stuff, otherwise they will use it to power struggle with you.

Don't give them the satisfaction and amusement of battling with them. Think your way round every situation that you can - there is always (ok, usually) something kids want more than they want a battle. It's just letting them know that!

With boring stuff like washing hands, getting dressed, cleaning teeth, make these things into races or challenges, it really does work with most kids. Far easier and more fun for everyone than simply "come and do your teeth please".

good points HG my ds is 4 next month and has just turned into a nightmare. DT's are nearly 8 mths now and this has just started. He is horrible and I really don't like him/his behaviour at the moment. Doesn't help that dts are up alot in the night and I have not patience because I am tired

Thanks Honoria, that is useful. But I'm starting to think that I've made a mistake to opt for coaxing and guile each time. He just seems to have no respect for my authority. I know, I must sound like Mr Murdoch but I'm not like that at all. It's been indulgent, attachment parenting all the way. But he seems to see no need at all to obey me, or to fear my displeasure and now I think perhaps I need to instill a bit of the "BECAUSE I SAID SO" mentality into him. So I've stopped backing away from head-on clashes. I agree that it needs to be distraction and persuasion 99 percent of the time but perhaps there needs to be an occasional showdown about who is boss. It just gets so wearying not to be able to say "wait" or "don't do that" when you need to. Sorry if I'm not being clear - I know I feel very muddled on the subject. I'd love to know what other MN'ers think.

This post makes interesting reading as I have just posted about my 20 month old being a little stroppy so and so! Is this a sign of things to come??? Note to self now...... as of tomorrow am gonna try and not give in to all his strops and ignore the whining in the hope that by the time he hits his "Threeteens" he will be an angel....

my ds is 3.1 and he has recently turned into the demon spawn from hell (just before he hit 3).

He is such hard work at the moment.

Just believing he can do what the hell he likes, what ever you say despite all evidence to the contrary.

YOu can't take your eyes off him for a split second and it is exhausting.

I am getting fed up and spend all day going 'it's just a phase'.

I have just about had enough of him atm

Hi all. I came on here to look for some advice regarding my 3-year-old and found this thread. I am feeling very low at the moment because I seem to be losing control over my son (3 years 4 months) and yelling at him every day for the last two weeks, and every day I vouch not to do it again. The thing is, I know yelling is not going to help, so I am really annoyed with myself that I always lose it when things get a bit tough. He's whining constantly, always wants the opposite of what I have done, and every single little thing has to be asked up to 5 times (with increasing stern voice) before it gets done.

I too am worried that I'm slowly losing my authority. And yes the constant discipline, time-out, stars off star chart, naughty chair, etc etc, is just so draining. I think the root of all this is that I am feeling exhausted and just want someone to look after me for a change.

Oh well... it's Friday. I vouch not to yell tomorrow. I really will try this time.

Good luck with the yelling thing tomorrow snowmoon. Tomorrow will be even more of a challenge for me as I am looking after my 4 year old nephew. He is allowed to do whatever he likes at home and is a prime example of what happens when you do not discipline your child. He is a total law unto himself and so I am hoping that by the end of the day, when I take my nephew back home, that my 3 DS, and especially my youngest little monkey, will look like complete angels compared to him!!!!!

Just remember, it's the good parents that say "no" all the time
It's very easy to say "yes" to everything

I think we have proved that this is just another phase.My son didnt have terrible teos but he is making up for it now though.my partner has taken my 2 swimming-he doesnt know what he has let himself in for. I was gonna go for the simple reason that i know the three yo will play up but i thought 'no' lets see how he deals with it for a change!!!Hope your all having a better day
x

Well, I am glad to say that I have not yelled for the last 3 days. It could be that writing on here has made me focus on how futile it is to yell. Also, the last 3 days I have let my perfectionist tendency drop a little, and rather than using every single minute to do house chores and ticking things off my to-do list, I decided to give myself at least half an hour of me- time. It's not easy but I think it's helped me relax a great deal. The thing I've noticed is that now that I'm more relaxed, my ds is actually playing up less. Hmmm, food for thought there. I just hope I can keep this up. Good luck everyone.

this has made very interesting reading. I thought I had done well to escape the terrible twos but since turning three my DS (3.2) is asserting his authority.

there is nothing like a browse on MN to help me re-focus.

Well I'm sorry to say but this thread has really cheered me up. My ds 3.3 is all of the above but just to know that I am not alone is fab!!!
You also all have my upmost compassion as I know that some days just feel like hell, and when you look around everyone else's ds's seem so lovely and placid, and its just mine who is crazy!

I hope we will all be rewarded with lovely ds's who look after us in our old ages!!!