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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Help-my 3yo has turned into the devil, i am at a loss as to how to handle his behaviour!

55 replies

shatteredmumsrus · 21/11/2007 14:50

My 3 yo son was a realy good boy. He was polite, kind and did as he was told. Now he answers back and just does what he likes. When I ask him to do something he says (or shouts) 'no'. All i had to do today was go to the chemists. He refused to go in and ran off, said he was not going to the girly shop! I had to chase him. He screamed all the way around the shop at the top pf his voice.He wouldnt get into the pushchair or walk and hold on to it. Just kept screaming 'i want daddy'!Even when he is told off he doesnt back down. He is also very cheeky, it is embarrassing. I ended up coming home empty handed and crying- not like me at all!Anyone got any secret advice to stop my brat of a son please!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

laughalot · 01/12/2007 14:47

Gosh I thought I was the only mum who has the 3 year old from hell !! My ds is worse since starting nursery he is so cheeky and his answer to everything is NO. I have a dd who is 1 in jan and he just hurts her all the time he pushes her, stands on her fingers when shes crawling around and just annoys her constantly. When I has parents day his teacher said his work is good he is very clever but socially he isnt good he pushes other children at school finds it difficult to share ect I am hoping that it will get better as he gets more used to it really 3 is still young but its hard work. I had a little cry today as he was just winding me up it made me feel a bit better.

evansmummy · 01/12/2007 18:12

Sorry to say that this has cheered me up too! Had a lovrly day with dh Christmas shopping and my parents had ds (3 in 2 weeks) for the day. Got there to pick him up and he had a mass tantrum not wanting to puit on shoes etc to go home. Happens at least twice a day atm and I just cannot cope. Have cried three times today becuase he is just wearing me down and I have no idea how to stop it. I went back to work about two months ago and it's since the that he's got really bad but I have no intention of stopping working so don't have a clue! I guess it just helps to know I'm not the only one. It is a phase, though isn't it??

snowmoon · 02/12/2007 12:15

It definitely helps just to know that I'm not alone. I think when we look at other mums and all we see is how they appear to be in control and calm, but of course we don't tend to scream our heads off in public, do we? Then we question if we're doing the right thing, being a good mum, being too soft, being too harsh, etc etc. Then we have a screaming child when we're tired and need to just sit down and have some peace and quiet, then one last little thing and we lose it. We're only humans. And it is comforting to know that all mums go through the same problems with their little ones. Thank god for internet forums!

cloudberry · 07/12/2007 20:15

Great to read this. My dd was 3 last weekend and can be a bit of a fiend too. I absolutely pick my battles and probably she is getting away with murder but I know it's a phase as I've lots of friends with dds some months older than her and have heard it all from them! Juat wanted to come on here and say it's not just ds's. Girls can be horrors too!! And of course it's all magnified when I'm tired which seems to be a permanent state of being at the moment, with a ds of 20 months just getting into his tantrums and am 23 weeks pregnant to boot!

cory · 07/12/2007 20:37

I found the terribly threes much worse than the twos with both my children- and the whining's not the least part of it. I suppose this is an age where we start asking quite a lot of them, probably comes as a bit of a shock. I never had the patience to do much coaxing or pretend play to get them to comply, so I would just calmly take their hands and wash them for them if they weren't getting on with the job. Hasn't turned them into useless cretins, which is a relief (they are now 7 and 11).

Chipstick · 07/12/2007 21:16

There are times I absolutely love Mumsnet - I came on looking for behaviour help for my DS 3.10 - if he had been my first child he would have been my only!! He is an absolute little bugger and such hard work.

I have resigned myself to the fact that shopping is out of the window until he goes to school and that I will spend my non working days counting 5....4.....3....2....1 right thats it!!!

maisiemog · 13/12/2007 23:23

Can I join in? My DS is 37 months and has completely stopped listening to me. He is so excitable and almost 'high' when we go out that he will run amock, laughing and shouting, all over shops. Yesterday we went to a sewing shop and he picked up some bells from a jar and ran away with them. I had to prise them out of his hands and he stuffed one in his mouth to stop me taking it.
Today he has emptied the kitchen cupboards three times, and then refused to help tidy. I ended up losing the plot and smacked his fist because he wouldn't let go of some porridge oats out of the bin. He collapsed and was so upset. I feel so bad for resorting to that.
I'm another attachment type parent, and he co-sleeps and still has the odd breastfeed and is a total mummy's boy. I just find that he has become so hard to deal with.
The only way I can keep on top of it is to go out for a long walk with the pram, but the weather is so appalling that we are both getting cabin fever and it isn't helping.
I always tried to be as understanding as possible with him, because I remember being little and how powerless I felt. I try to give him choices about things and get him to help me. It's such a hard job being a parent - who knew it would be this hard?
And I want another one. Hahahahahaha [manic laughter]
It does help to hear so many others have had this type of problem - kind of indicates this is a developmental phase as much as anything to me.

ggirlsbells · 13/12/2007 23:29

Ds was vile at 3 ,he's much easier to live with now he's 5.

Drink lots, is my advice

maximummummy · 13/12/2007 23:46

O M G
it's an epidemic
my ds has just turned 3 and was really great before (the occasional paddy etc)but seems to have turned into a brat as soon as he turned 3

am quite[shocked] at the way he's acting and feel at a loss at what i can do with him - he's always been a cheeky monkey but now quite uncontrollable(sp!!)

MerryBiglipsmas · 13/12/2007 23:51

my 3.2 yrs old dd is ssooooooo wonderful!!!

NOT!!!!

she turned into a non-listening child!! and im forever saying "I will count to 3, and if you dont do this/come here/tidy up..i will take you to BED!!....1.............2..............

ive noticed this since she had turned 3 overnight and also had started school at the same time. She had always at her own mind as very strong willed (as from birth!!)

MerryBiglipsmas · 13/12/2007 23:54

my DSD when she turned 2 was an angel...but as soon she turned 3 she was a horror till she turned 4

maisiemog · 14/12/2007 00:40

Hi Biglips!! [waves] Same same same! He was a lovely little tot when he was two, but now he is too busy talking to listen to me!!!

MerryBiglipsmas · 14/12/2007 00:49

hiya Maisie {{waves back}}

im just praying like mad that she be good at 4......cant see it though as i know she will be hard work!!....like yours .
so are u gonna have another one??...i must be off my head to have another one too!!

TiggyD · 14/12/2007 01:03

Remember:

You're the grown up.

No means No.

Do what you say you'll do.

Praise good behavour.

Basically, you need to make the child think that if they're good, good things happen. That if they're bad, bad things happen. Unless they just want attention, in which case ignore them as much as possible.

Children behave how you teach them to behave.

I totaly beleive in smacking.......but only parents who let thier children do whatever thay want.

cory · 14/12/2007 08:35

I think a lot of the time you can avoid the whole escalating count-to-three-and-smack thing with a little planning. To be frank, if a child that age habitually runs amok in shops, that does suggest a lack of planning on the part of the parent. You can get into the habit of always holding him by the hand in public (or using a harness), that will avoid a lot of unpleasantness. And starting an interesting conversation just before you enter a shop, get onto a bus etc cuts out a lot of potential problems. I'm not saying you shouldn't punish your child when they misbehave, but it's much more pleasant for both of you if you can help them not to get into trouble in the first place.
I am often astonished by parents you see sitting several seats away from their small children on the bus, totally ignoring them, until the kids get boisterous and bored and then the parents instead of getting up and lifting the child out of trouble, sits their yelling at them and counting to three before the smack. This misbehaving situation seems so totally unnecessary. Not suggesting that this would apply to anyone on Mumsnet. But it makes me sad.

mummymagic · 14/12/2007 08:48

well, here are my thoughts although not an expert of 3yr olds (is from reading, being a teacher of teenagers and a mum of a toddler feel free to ignore!)

It's clearly a NORMAL part of development. They are asserting their independence, so not meaning to be naughty as such. And you haven't done anything wrong (in fact, everything right) because they are developing appropriately.

Have any of you read 'how to talk so kids will listen' - do a search on Mumsnet. It looks amazing and the general idea is to acknowledge their feelings and then be a bit silly about it all -

eg I KNOW you are cross because you don't want to clean your teeth, but you need to clean your teeth or they will get all dirty. YUK! imagine if you never cleaned your teeth... (they then miraculously start to do it... )

from feedback on mumsnet, it does work (not sure about 3 yr olds but it works with my toddler and my teenagers i teach).

maisiemog · 14/12/2007 09:29

Mummy magic, I agree, I do talk to my little boy about the logical consequences of things, in his language, pretty much all the time. He must be like 'yeah yeah, blah blah Mummy!'
He was a runner and we always held his hand or used reins, then he stopped and stuck with me. However, this seems to have become a problem again, it is a pity to have to go back to reins, but I might start taking them out again, just to show him it could be an option if he runs away.
We talk constantly and discuss what we will be buying and how much it will cost etc... so talking, nice, but doesn't provide a guarantee that he won't run away.
I agree it is a mixture of things, but sometimes they run amok, and you have to give chase and hold their hand, it's a balancing act between allowing a little independence and keeping them safe. Personally, I don't immediately condemn parents whose children are running 'amok' and assume they have not thought about what they are doing Cory - what a lack of empathy you display.

BibiJesus · 14/12/2007 09:49

Woo hoo! It's not just my child! DD is 3.2 and a complete monster at the moment, we've never seen behaviour like it! She's always been lovely, but since starting at pre-nursery class in school she's developed the most awful attitude. Screams "No!" at us when she doesn't want to do something, deliberately defies us etc. I've tried to make sure she has enough snacks and drinks to keep her on an even keel and spend "us" time together after school but this isn't always possible as I've got 5 months old twins too. She won't take a nap after school and I'm sure she's just v v overtired. She does go to bed between 7 and 7:30 every night and has a good 12 hours sleep, I just don't know what else to do!

Will be reading this whole thread with interest looking for tips!

emmaagain · 14/12/2007 10:10

You could try reading unconditional parenting, by alfie Kohn.

Lots there about accepting who our children are and working with them so we are all happy, rather than trying to turn them into something else (biddable, docile, quiet)

mummymagic · 14/12/2007 10:17

Oh I was ignoring that v unhelpful post!

I think the important thing is to acknowledge their feelings (oh gosh that sounds faaaar too hippy ) but say 'oh I know you are cross', 'I know you are sad because xyz'. So you are letting them have some control over the environment in a way and not just saying no (although as the parent you are obv still deciding what happens). I think it's important to let them be stroppy!

This is obv all theory at the moment for me, as I await the terrible twos and threes with dread interest..!

BibiJesus · 14/12/2007 10:19

emmaagain, it's not about turning them into something their not (biddable, docile, quiet). I don't mind if my child is loud, noisy, boisterous, but I DO want her to be polite and well behaved...which she was until a few months ago. I'm just trying to understand what's brought about this change, whether it's a normal part of growing up or if there's another reason/something bothering her that i could address.

BibiJesus · 14/12/2007 10:19

they're not

MerryBiglipsmas · 14/12/2007 10:31

wow bibi..your DT are 5 months old!!!...time flies by!

My DD still got her politeness and good manners but the naughtiness is creeping in more!! . She had always been a loud and boistorius girl but she does backchats to me now and again. I see her as a normal child.

BibiJesus · 14/12/2007 10:53

They had to come out 5 weeks early - and yes, it has flown, although there seems to be times (esp during the nights) when time actually stood still and a 2 hour feeding session actually lasted 2 days! On the plus side, they are now sleeping through so we feel a bit more human now!

TinyTimLivesinVictorianSqualor · 14/12/2007 11:16

My DS will be 3 in two weeks.
He is exactly the same. It can be really frustrating.
I agree with Honoria about choosing your battles.
In their little heads they have suddenly realised that people have their own ideas and opinions on what they want to do, and that they are a person!!!!
I find with ds (and was the same with DD) that talking to them helps so much. They just don't understand!!! Explain it to them and you'll find it much better, they'll still be little bleeders, beleive me, just less of the time

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