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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

do people still smack there children?

57 replies

pregnantbabyelephant · 16/11/2007 15:36

i thought this went out with the ark, but was at a friends house earlier in the week and she shocked me by telling her dd 20 month old that if she didnt behave[ wasnt even misbehaving imo, she was eatting cake and some of it was going on the floor and just generally trying to join in the consersation ] she shouted at her that she was going to get a smack
i was so shocked

ive noticed she shouts at her a lot but ive never witnessed her smack or threaten to before?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

JenT · 16/11/2007 17:15

Mrs S apparently you have to take your children with you these days... (I have thought of it often!)

Buda · 16/11/2007 17:15

I have smacked DS on occasion. I have always felt sick afterwards. And it was always out of temper.

It WAS effective in that I felt so awful about it and was afraid that it would escalate and I knew I needed to find other methods of discipline. The book "123 Magic - effective discipline for kids" was recommended on here and I found it a brilliant way of diffusing MY temper.

And it was also effective in that DS now knows that if I threaten a slap it might happen.

meemar · 16/11/2007 17:18

VS - found your post interesting, because although I've never smacked, the times I have felt tempted to smack, have been for behaviours that have made me really cross and just pushed my limit of patience.

I can't imagine smacking in a calm rational state of mind, which is maybe why I don't like it as a method of discipline.

LoveAngelGabriel · 16/11/2007 17:31

The only time I ever smacked my son was after he got free of my hand in the street, ran off and went straight out into a busy road after I had screamed repeatedly at him to STOP (he just laughed and kept running). I walloped his backside quite hard out of fear and shock and anger, I suppose, and because I wanted to hammer home to him how very very upset I was about what had happened and how terribly dangerous what he had just done was. I did cuddle him and explain to him calmly afterwards why he should never run away from me etc, but at the moment it happened I just couldn't think of anything else to do. Maybe I was wrong, but it was my gut reaction.

Reallytired · 16/11/2007 21:38

Smacking is completely legal although you aren't allowed to leave a mark on the child. You might not agree with your friend but she has the right to choose how she disciplines her child.

There is a difference between major child a abuse and smacking a naughty child. The majority of adults were smacked as children yet they have become law abiding citizens.

I once smacked my son for diliberately taking his seatbelt three times while I was driving on the M25. He was so shocked that it worked. There is no evidence that he has been mentally scared by the experience and I believe it is better to smack a toddler than cause a major car accident.

Walnutshell · 16/11/2007 21:41

I promise I'm not taking the moral high ground and am playing Devil's Advocate here, but can't let this one go: who says there is no evidence Reallytired? You? Of course, you would say that, you smacked him!

Tortington · 16/11/2007 21:42

i throw water over mine.

LittleBella · 16/11/2007 21:48

Oh smacking a 20 month old is not discipline, it's fuckwittery.

busybusymummy · 16/11/2007 21:56

As part of controlled discipline I have used 'smacks' although only finger taps i.e. for hair pulling, hitting, biting etc... I tap DS's fingers (16 months) and hold him still for 10 - 20 secs whilst firmly saying "No.. (biting / hitting / pulling hair) Naughty fingers M*" He is too young to understand the stair sitting..

I used this technique with DD until she was old enough to be trained to sit on the stairs - and understand the link between her action and her stair sitting. DS (bless him) has no idea why I am trying to put him on the stairs - he is too 'ickle to link it with his action.

I think our technique is working and is used in a controlled manner as a direcgt consequence for an inappropriate (and usally) violent or dangerous (i.e. hot oven) behaviour for which he has already been told verbally and ignored me.

DD is 3, I have smacked her properly 2 or 3 times, but have not been proud of that. One memorable occassion was when she jumped off the buggy board (for the millionth time) and ran into the road - as a tram was approaching. I was shaking and furious. I smacked her leg and sat her down firmly on the nearest wall whilst I 'came to' - I think for us that was a 'reactive' smack, I was cross for myself for being so quick to smack but, on reflection, I don't think it harmed DD and she NEVER did it again - so was obviously effective...

What I dislike (do shout me down) is parents who consistently use hard smacking daily instead of verbal or other non violent sanctions. By 2 DD was easily disciplined with verbal instructions, ignoring (of supermarket temper tantrums), and the naughty step - with the very occassional trip to her room... only more recently when I've felt she needed some time out to calm down and reflect.

coby · 16/11/2007 22:06

pregnantbabyelephant - If this is a friend of yours I'm guessing you have seen her in the past as a generally decent person and not the abusive type (and the fact you were shocked by her behaviour possibly backs this suggestion up).

I'm wondering if she is suffering from a lot of stress or possibly depression at the moment? Often a side affect of these things is to act irrationally like this and shout a lot more than we would otherwise choose to.

Do you think this could be the case with your friend. Maybe she needs a break or some help with things.

I think this is the important issue here, we can argue all day snd night as to whether it is right to smack or not but that isn't going to help your friend and her DD out from what I can see

shiny1 · 16/11/2007 22:13

ive tappped my dds in the past but never at that age.

ibblewob · 16/11/2007 22:33

Was expecting quite a different thread when I started reading - this all seems very calm and rational for a discussion about smacking!

Aside from the OP, which I think is terribly sad for such a minor (if it is one at all) infraction, I would say that smacking does have its place in discipline, as long as it is done 'right' (i.e. not when you're incredibly angry and likely to lose control). I like that it is a punishment over with instantly, and agree with the post that a smack on the hand can be a lot less violent than shouting or screaming or whatever.

My parents used this discipline on me and my brother while we were growing up (hand, wooden spoon and slipper), and I don't remember ever resenting it - it was preferable by far to my friend's experience of her mum who wouldn't speak to her for days on end if she was cross with her about something - MUCH more harmful.

VictorianSqualor · 16/11/2007 22:37

LittleBella was right wrt OP, a 20 month old and crumbs??? Just plain stupid imo.

loopylou6 · 17/11/2007 09:24

good thread, i never had to smack my son ( he is now 8) my dd (3) however is a different matter, she is very difficult and i have smacked a few times, i try every possible avenue at first and when that doesnt work i feel i have to shock her with a smack, i never smack hard but i do feel there is nothing wrong with a smack on the hand as a last resort, there is however a difference between disaplined smacking and agressive smacking, i have a friend who i had to cut contact with, she used to smack her dd round the head how bad is that, and this was only for things likew anting a drink whilst mum was busy talking on the phone or something

charlieandlola · 17/11/2007 09:48

I smack my children. But not for dropping crumbs at 20mo. Everything has a place as long as it is in proportion. I strongly believe in a parents right to discipline. I smack through clothes , but ds likes smacking his dad's bottom when dh won't get up in the morning, which I have encouraged!

Reallytired · 17/11/2007 09:52

Prehaps my son will grow up to be an axe murderer because I smacked him once three years ago. He shows no signs of violent tendancies and is doing well at school.

If his actions had caused a major accident on the M25 then he and MANY OTHERS could have been killed.

In that situation I would smack again. I do not feel any guilt for smacking him in a situation where he was putting the life of other people at risk.

The naughty step as major limitations. A child has to understand why they are on the naughty step and it helps if they sit on it.

Maybe if we worried less about the rights of our kids and more about responsiblites as parents then the world would be a better place. Are British kids in the 21st century happier than we were as children?

MrsSlocomb · 17/11/2007 10:06

Reallytired, I know every generation thinks "kids today...." etc etc . even socrates did! But I honestly think that so many children now have insufficiant boundaries. Their parents want to be their children's friends. I want to say "no you are not their friend you are their parent. Your job is to parent them"
As parents we have to discipline them and sometimes, if we find it appropriate, then that can mean a smack.

harpsichordsahoy · 17/11/2007 10:18

imo smacking or other physical discipline has any place in a loving family.
I agree that children need boundaries and loving discipline, but I don't see any connection between the need for discipline and the need for physical punishment.
there is certainly no proven connection between children who are subject to physical discipline and "good behaviour", quite the opposite in fact.
I do see that sometimes parents need to shock their child into doing something, but there are many ways to do this e.g. raising your voice, removing the child from the situation. if you choose to smack, then you are choosing to deliberately inflict pain on a child and I don't think there should be a place for that in a loving relationship. just mo.

often people who speak out against physical punishment on these threads are speaking from personal experience. often their childhoods (and their adult lives) were affected by physical punishment or the threat of it. You might not think their experiences have anything to do with your choices, but I think it is a mistake to just dismiss them, because they are real.

ahundredtimes · 17/11/2007 10:25

I think there are probably lots of people who would say they don't agree with smacking as a means of discipline and then these same people have at some point smacked their child.

I have. Like Victorian Squalor (I love that name btw) I've been really quite physical with them over the years. I think I've smacked them in temper probably. I don't use it as a threat though, or an intentional means of discipline.

The OP's friend sounds a bit desperate and tired to me. Sounds like she's struggling a bit. Is she?

belgo · 17/11/2007 10:27

I've occassionally smacked my dd1 but I've always felt so guilty afterwards and it absolutely doesn't work as a form of discipline.

onlyjoking9329 · 17/11/2007 10:29

i have never smacked any of my three and believe me they have been a challenge at times, if i hit any of my three then i think that they would think that hitting people is how you deal with things, one thing we are very hot on in this house is
autism respect.

MrsSlocomb · 17/11/2007 10:30

My children don't see hitting as a way to deal with problems.

harpsichordsahoy · 17/11/2007 10:35

Mrs Slocomb, how do you know that?
if they watch you and learn from you, which children do.

KerryMum · 17/11/2007 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsSlocomb · 17/11/2007 10:50

Beacause I tell them not to. Smacking is reserved for mummies of naughty children

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