I'm just a mum, of a boy, who doesn't know what to do. He/ we have difficulties. He's 8. He is being assessed by CAMHS for autism. But it's a thin line whether he is affected by it. He is complex. I can't seem to reach him. I'm just sad we don't have a connection. I shout a lot, can't seem to handle his behaviour, and to shout is my primary response, I panic. He is erratic, jumpy, bouncy, too energetic. to get close to him means I get an elbow in the eye, teeth, accidentally of course. Something always seems to get broken.
He's not my first child. They seemed easy before him. But he is a challenge. A challenge that I want to take, but I'm struggling. I struggle to be in the moment with him. To enjoy the now. Something always takes up my attention. Work, cleaning, the dog. A phone call. Maybe I'm looking for a get out . Why? He's not easy to be around. But he's my son, how can it be so difficult?
I can't be the first parent to feel this?
I love him with all my heart. I yearn for a connection, which I do get, rarely.
He can be the most loving, and give the most love, but only if i block out all the difficult times. The times when he's never happy, complains, downright nasty, rude, lazy. But is that because he's only 8 and just learning? Or is that because of me? Or who he just is?
I want a relationship with him.
How do I have a good one?