What are the alternatives to star charts and the naughty step? - not my style

[TheGrimPruner]

I'm approaching the end of my tether
DS is nearly 4, almost never stops doing things when we ask him to.

We are not slack parents, we have consistently needed to be more disciplined with him than we ever wanted to be: he is just too strong-willed and whilst I totally buy all the stuff about guiding a strong personality rather than stifling it, you'll appreciate there are times when letting him do what he likes is not an option.

Things like the naughty step: well, perhaps you have a child who responds to that sort of thing, but for it to work with ds would require a level of bullying that I am uncomfortable with. I appreciate this isn't the same for every child.

I would like some alternatives because tbh the next step for me is to scream and shout and I don't want to.

How about not taking him to restaurants until he's old enough to do "restaurant behaviour?"

Spitting - I'd do anything to stop that one including screaming and shouting.

CD and CD players well out of reach.

Drawing on kitchen table - ours is so battered I don't really mind so no help there.

an addition, a shameful one

MIL said today that she told dd2 that she was being a pain and dd2 said "yes grandma, I am a pain in the arse"

ahem, I may have said that the other day

that is baaaaaaaaaad isn't it?

she was giggling as she said it

when my ds was three he couldn't sit and eat a meal when told either. He did and sometimes still does talk to me like an underling and if I had been so inclined I could have been embarrassed by him EVERY trip out.

I avoided shopping with him almost completely. We didn't go to restaurants - at all. Stuff like that.

It is definitely about remembering that this is all as you say pruni, within normal range. We certainly all have had days where it's too much so I do sympathise big time!

He does sound a strong character and I think that is extra draining and it takes alot of getting around if you are to avoid confrontation and power struggles. But it's do-able, most of the time. Keep the faith! He will be stood in very good stead in life by this strength of character! He will doubtless be rich and successful and able to choose you a great quality mental health provider

Oh lovely ladies
I am goin gto bed now, not quite the wreck I was earlier
He's lovely really, you know.....

you do realise that 3 is the farkin worst age

For the spitting, if at home, I would probably say 'spitting is for when you've finished cleaning your teeth. Looks like you're in the mood for practising your spitting, so let's go and clean your teeth.' DS doesn't really like cleaning his teeth so would probably be enought to make him stop but doesn't matter if they clean their teeth in the middle of the day.

Grimpruner you are not the only one who isn't able to use the naughty step. We have never succeeded with DS either for the same reasons as you. (We tried to introduce it when he was 2 and a bit and I was on my own with him and baby sis so couldn't devote 2 hours to getting it right first time.) He does go to his room because have always worded it as though he is going to his sanctuary to calm down rather than a making it a punishment. He takes himself sometimes when he can feel he is getting too cross and might get physical with his sister.

I always seem to do this - agree with otherside, that is! I agree that having time out as a 'sancturary' rather than a punishment, is so the way to go. He can then use it as what it should genuinely be instead of sitting there burning with anger that he's been punished.

With the spitting, ds did have a big phase of this and I think what saved my sanity was remembering that while we are responsible for children, we are not actually responsible for physically stopping everything they do we don't like. they are human beings with their own free will; what we can do is look disgusted, tell them how horrible spitting is and that it can spread germs and bugs, that we don't do it; we can walk away and say we don't play with people who spit.

It's then up to THEM to stop spitting, not up to you to stop them. IMO.

And, not to sound like a stalker, but I also like otherside's polite threat re the teethbrushing

Try "1,2,3, magic- effective discipline for children 2-12." There is a book and a video I have seen it in Amazon. It's a bit Americanised but I used it with my girls and think it's fab.

HG. I'm very flattered because I always think YOU offer such sound advice!

Message withdrawn