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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

anti-semitic 8 y/o - please help

28 replies

perplexednanny · 31/10/2007 12:58

Hi,

I'm new to Mumsnet, and rather than being a mum I'm a p/t nanny to an 8 y/o boy.

He's quite difficult in general and often badly behaved, but recently he has started saying the most terrible things about Jews and I don't really know how to deal with this, never having seen this sort of behaviour before! Yesterday, he actually said that the Jews deserved to be killed in the Holocaust. And not in a 'saying offensive things to get attention' way - he meant it. I was absolutely appalled and told him that this was a terrible thing to say, that Jewish people were just like him except their religious beliefs mean they have special rules about food (really not the time to go into a theological discussion about Judaism!) etc etc, but he was absolutely adamant that he hated Jews before carrying on with a load of racial slurs.

His parents aren't racist at all so I don't think that can be the source. Although his school is a private CofE the other pupils are of all faiths and in fact at one point the school actually had a special boarding house for boys who were Orthodox Jews!

I'm really struggling to know what to do here - I actually find what he says highly offensive as my partner's family were refugees from the Nazi regime during the war.

Any advice greatly appreciated!

OP posts:

Bocoreepy · 31/10/2007 13:15

I think you should definitely speak to his parents about what he's been saying. And say to him that as long as you are looking after him you will not tolerate any racist comments at all.

dooley1 · 31/10/2007 13:16

yes speak to his parents and ask them how they want you to handle it
he needs to know it's completely unacceptable and won't be tolerated

mumofhelen · 31/10/2007 13:22

I don't believe children are born xenophobic and racist. I believe it's taught. Someone somewhere is poisoning his mind and the quicker you find the source the better - for everyone's sake. I would tell the parents, and look into the type of company/friends he's keeping. Try to coax out of him the source. It's so important that you, his parents and teachers snip this in the bud.

NoNameToday · 31/10/2007 13:31

" xxxx why do you feel this way about jewish people?, What makes you feel this way? Do you feel people of other faiths are equally as undeserving of consideration?."

If he's old enough and articulate enough to make his statements, then the questions above should be put to him.

Original poster

perplexednanny · 31/10/2007 13:31

I did try to subtly question him to find out if someone had been saying that sort of thing to him, but he said no one had, that they were learning about WWII in school and he thought the Jews were stupid because they were cowards and didn't fight back and just prayed to God (he thinks people who believe in God are stupid and says so frequently and loudly)instead. He then carried on with things like "I hate Jews because they don't eat pork" and "The Jews deserved to die because they don't eat pork" and other similarly rational things.

He is very hard work in general - for example, he often hits when he doesn't get his own way and has massive and very public tantrums about the smallest things. He doesn't hit me, thankfully - he tried it once and got in so much trouble that he seems to have concluded it's not worth it.

I will talk to his parents about it, but any advice about things to say to him when he says that sort of thing would be really helpful. Like I said, this particular type of behaviour isn't something I've come across before.

OP posts:

Original poster

perplexednanny · 31/10/2007 13:34

*rational in the third line should say "irrational" - just to clarify, though I think what I meant is quite obvious from the tone of the post!

OP posts:

cornsilk · 31/10/2007 13:35

He sounds like a troubled child to me. He's got these ideas from somewhere. His parents need to deal with this asap.

justaboutdrippingblood · 31/10/2007 13:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onebatmother · 31/10/2007 13:36

he sounds.. nice.
In that case agree with dooley1, parents need to have strong words. Tho perhaps they are not.. perfect?

VoodooLULUmama · 31/10/2007 13:37

maybe it is not he is anti semitic, but is directing his rage at a body of people.. who are different in some way

absolutely agree it is not appropriate and needs dealing with, BUT, if he is hearing it from his parents, they are not going to deal with it

very troubling

NoNameToday · 31/10/2007 13:37

Don't think I'd be subtle, at his age he needs to be confronted openly about his 'unacceptable behaviour'

WW11 subjects are a wee bit strong for an 8year old to embrace.

Maybe it's his teacher/tutor that has the bigger problem?

cornsilk · 31/10/2007 13:39

Agree that 8 years old is young for a child to understand about the holocaust. Isn't it usually covered in y5/6?

boo64 · 31/10/2007 13:41

I would try and relate the irrational comments to him by switching them round and saying how would you feel if people hated you or thought you should die because you do x or don't do y. Where x and y are things he enjoys/ hates.
He might then understand better that he cannot judge people like this.

Agree though, definitely talk to his parents

Bessie123 · 31/10/2007 13:42

Kick him in the head.

Or, more seriously, I agree you should speak to his parents. He will probably grow out of it - have you noticed a lack of empathy in him generally? It is strange for an 8-yr-old to come out with statements like that.

Original poster

perplexednanny · 31/10/2007 13:45

Bessie123 - yes, he does have a serious lack of empathy generally. When he does or says things that are unpleasant, I ask him how he would feel if someone did that to him. Usual response - I would just do a different and take it out on someone else.

Cue the the 'unacceptable behaviour' spiel...

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 31/10/2007 13:46

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 31/10/2007 13:46

Message withdrawn

Bessie123 · 31/10/2007 13:48

Well, repellent as his views are, I guess he just doesn't understand that he is being offensive and why. I wish I could offer a sensible suggestion to help, but I can't think of anything other than maybe some type of behavioural therapy to help him learn to empathise. Do you think he could be on the autistic spectrum?

Original poster

perplexednanny · 31/10/2007 13:48

yes, really an 8 y/o I'm sad to say.

and from a nice home with parents who care for him (and who are not xenophobic or racist in any way) and a school which promotes caring and tolerance amongst its pupils and has a strong pastoral aspect

OP posts:

HonoriaGlossop · 31/10/2007 13:49

He sounds quite angry. He is clearly saying this stuff for attention, but there is also obviously alot of anger behind it. His tantrums and hitting sound all of a piece. any reason you can see for his anger?

i think it's one of those things where maybe this is a golden opportunity to look at his feelings that are behind the words. If there's anything in his life which you feel could be making him seek attention and feel this anger then now is a good time to present that to his parents in a very strong way I think.

With the actual ignorant comments themselves, make him replace the word Jew with his own name, or with another group as in people who have brown hair, etc etc and see how much he agrees with his own sentiments then!

FluffyMummy123 · 31/10/2007 13:49

Message withdrawn

NoNameToday · 31/10/2007 13:53

At 8yrs old, unless he is either extremely precocious or indeed a potential genius, he is repeating and promoting someone elses beliefs and feelings.

NoNameToday · 31/10/2007 13:55

Hope that didn't offend anyone, I have no wish to suggest someone with anti semitic views is a genius.

justaboutdrippingblood · 31/10/2007 14:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

julesrose · 02/11/2007 14:14

Am totally shocked - what did the parents say? Isn't 7 - 8 the age children really start to develop their moral core? Is he cruel in other ways - to animals etc? Did the parents tak to the school - maybe it's the in thing to say at the moment? Please let us know how it panned out...

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