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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I just found my cat dead - what shall I tell my little boy?

24 replies

Ants · 30/10/2007 21:43

Hi, Sorry, I didn't quite know where to post this message... I just found one of my cats run over in front of my house. Fortunately DS, who is two years old, is fast asleep in bed. But I'm really dreading tomorrow, when he's is bound to notice the cat's absense and ask questions. I don't quite know what to say. This cat has been a real companion to him, his best friend. My husband wants to bury the cat in the back garden... should we include DS in the process?
Any suggestions would be welcome. Thanks.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

stripeymama · 30/10/2007 21:44

You could try to get hold of the Mog book about death maybe, hang on will get link

fryalot · 30/10/2007 21:47

sorry to see this, ants. It's awful when you lose a pet.

When dd1 was little, she had a couple of guinea pigs and when one of them died, I was determined that I was going to be all scientific and explain that when an animal or a person dies, it is dead. full stop. There was going to be none of that "he's gone to be jesus's little moonbeam" for me!

She kept on and on asking me to take it to the vets to make it better and I couldn't get her to understand. In the end, I lost patience and said that he had gone to be jesus's little moonbeam and she was quite satisfied with that.

As to whether you should include ds, I would say yes definitely. It is a good thing for him to learn that when someone (or a pet) dies, we mourn them, we have a burial (or cremation) service, then we try to go on with our lives.

I lost my cat last year. She was 14 and had been with me since she was 5 weeks old. I still miss her.

stripeymama · 30/10/2007 21:48

here

I'd say to include ds in the burial, let him help to dig and maybe choose something to plant over the spot?

Keep it simple and answer his questions, though if he is like my dd then they may be hard ones.

ravenAK · 30/10/2007 21:48

Um...how does the body look?

Because he'll probably want to see it, & if it's not looking very nice (in my experience dead cats don't look particularly friendly iykwim, even if it's not bloodstained etc) that might be more upsetting for him than a white lie of the 'poor kitty was very ill & won't be coming home from the doctor' variety...

Definitely I'd tell him the cat's dead & let him ask questions.

Poor you, poor cat & poor ds!

stripeymama · 30/10/2007 21:50

Our cat got run over when I was four and I still remember helping to bury her. I didn't believe she was dead at first because her eyes were still open and my mum just closed them. Her being calm about it made me feel better.

EmsMum · 30/10/2007 21:51

Cuddle him and tell him what happened. Let him ask as many or few questions as he wants. Let him cry - or not. Small children seem able to deal with death in a remarkably matter-of-fact manner, its grown ups who have the taboos.

Avoid terms like 'asleep' or 'gone away'. That can be confusing.

I would say you should include DS in the burial - perhaps you could plant something nice on top and explain that the dear cats body will be turned into flowers.

The Mog book is good, but read it through yourself before reading aloud to him. I couldn't get through it without crying even when I hadn't just had a pet die.

whomovedmychocolate · 30/10/2007 22:00

Really sorry for your loss. I think you just have to bite the bullet and say you have bad news and that the cat is dead and that means your son won't be able to see him anymore.

Are you planning to get another cat? Kids can be quite callous in that once they've had a quick cry it's 'can I have a kitten'. It's best to decide on your answer in advance so you aren't caught on the hop because you feel sorry for them.

Original poster

Ants · 30/10/2007 22:05

Thanks for your advice and support... My little boy doesn't yet speak very coherently, so I don't think he would be able to vocalize a lot of the questions he wants to ask.

RavenAK, the cat doesn't look particularly good ( I feel sooo morbid talking about it so matter-of-factly), but I thought if we put it in a box, perhaps we can avoid having to show it to DS.

I too feel that it would be better including my little boy in the burial...

OP posts:

systemsaddict · 30/10/2007 22:08

Sorry for your loss, it's awful losing an animal like that. I agree, tell him the truth, in simple terms, and have him participate in the burial. Whenever we lost animals when I was a child the funerals were family affairs in the back garden and I still know where they were all buried. It really helps to formalise the 'saying goodbye' and help them to understand that they won't be coming back.

ravenAK · 30/10/2007 22:16

I'd just be aware that if you tell ds that the cat's in the box, & he's anything like my ds, he'll quite likely want to see for himself!

We had this recently with a gerbil (peaceful looking, had just, well, up & died) & ds was fascinated by the whole business of burying it - kept making us open the box so he could check it was 'still dead'.

So if you'd rather not show him the body, I'd probably just make as if it had gone to the vet & died there...be open about the death bit but not emphasise what happens to the body iyswim...

Pannacotta · 30/10/2007 22:29

Sorry to hear this
When our family cat died after about 18 years with us we were all very upset. My sister put her in a plain cardboard box and arranged lovely pieces of greenery around her until I could get there and then we took her out and buried her in the garden and marked the spot with a rose bush.
She had to be put down so her body wasnt damaged, but could you do something similar and hide any obvious wounds with some flowers/greenery from the garden and then bury her in the box?
Then you could bury her together. I think it is good for kids to be involved, even if they are very young.

bossybritches · 30/10/2007 22:33

So Sorry

When our beloved Mog died (age 21) we buried her in the garden & although it was sad I'm glad the kids helped as they'd had her all their lives.

We planted a Pussy Willow on her grave.

Hallowedam · 30/10/2007 22:41

Oh, I am sorry. Ds was three when our lovely cat died. He was much more OK than I'd expected - sad but matter of fact (and gruesomely delighted to have an item of news to impress all his friends).

Loopymumsy · 31/10/2007 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

NAB3 · 31/10/2007 13:20

I am sorry for your loss.

Lorayn · 31/10/2007 13:39

Oh, this is horrible
I have had cats since I was very young and always buried them.
One cat I emptied a pack of doritos into the grave cos in my little head she might get hungry once we had buried her.
I would say bury the cat, with ds, say whatever you want to explain that the cat wont be coming back, and if he wants to see it, let him.
They are pretty resilient at that age and if he can see it might make him udnerstand a bit more. If he touches it, obviously, make sure he washes his hands etc.
Sorry for your loss.

bubblagirl · 31/10/2007 13:49

sorry to hear your loss children seem accepting enough if they think the animal is somewhere better

so you could say cat had accident and is now in kitty heaven playing with his cat friends and you will bury cat so he can get to kitty heaven always many ways do what you feel your son will accept best his still so young

if you have cat teddy you could tell him whenever he thinks of cat if he cuddles this teddy cat will be cuddling him back then maybe he wont feel he has lost his best friend

you could get him to make a little something to bury with cat bless him hope your all ok thoughts are with you xx

HonoriaGlossop · 31/10/2007 14:05

Sorry to hear about this Ants. Lots of people seem to have buried pets in the garden and that seems to have helped. I guess another approach is to not involve your ds in that process if you think it would trouble him. I think it depends on how sensitive you feel he is. My ds is a hard-work combination of highly sensitive and obsessive, so knowing exactly where the cat is and knowing he's under the earth, etc may well trouble and obsess someone like my ds more than it would help!

You could just tell him the cat has died and not involve him with the burial of the cat.

I think it totally depends on the child really.

FluffyMummy123 · 31/10/2007 14:05

Message withdrawn

LadyOfTheFlowers · 31/10/2007 14:12

Personally, I don't think he will that bothered tbh, sorry, especially if you have other cats?

A bit different but we had a huge Black Moor (fancy goldfish) that we had for 8 years and has always been here since ds1 was born, he is 2, the fish dies the other day. He used to spend ages watching her 'Look Mummy! Mummy! 'Ishie!'
I hoiked her out and put her aside then buried her once he was in bed. I didn't want him to see her dead.
He has not batted an eyelid, much to my suprise as he did enjoy watching her, even though she was 9inches long so he must notice she is gone?

FluffyMummy123 · 31/10/2007 14:14

Message withdrawn

cruisemum1 · 31/10/2007 20:28

agree with previolus posters. tell lo that the cat died and that he will be happy where he is and that he will still always be his special pet even if he isn't 'of this earth' anymore. Also, you could say that the cat was such a lucky cat to have had your lo as a friend/owner. hth and for your loss

Fennel · 31/10/2007 20:32

One of our cats died last week, it was quite gruesome, we lost her and a week later we sniffed the festering corpse out from behind the fridge. She must have been run over and crawled their to die . The dds (7, 6 and 3) really weren't that traumatised, and the other two really love animals and do have quite a bit of empathy, but it just washed over them.

dd1 went into graphic detail telling visitors about how much blood there had been and how bad the smell was. dd3 (3) is still asking happily if we can dig the cat up again (we buried her in the garden) so that we can have the fun of burying her again.

Fennel · 31/10/2007 20:33

"older two", not "other two".

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