Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Super-sensitive DD ... extreme response to being told off ... help

53 replies

wishingchair · 17/10/2007 20:22

Just been to first ever parent evening. DD is doing well academically, has friends, enjoys school etc etc but teacher said she is super super sensitive and gets very upset at being "told off". Wasn't even told off, just told her not to do something. Apparenlty she was hysterical for about half an hour. Teacher said "it was the most extreme response she'd ever seen".

It drives me mad ... if I tell her off for something she will always always cry. She's also a perfectionist so gets frustrated when things don't go right, cross then cries because of that too. I've been trying to teach her to go into another room for a few mins to calm down which she's been doing.

Talked to her tonight about how it is sometimes useful to be told off and eventhough it doesn't feel nice, you can learn from it and used an example of when I got stopped by police for minor driving offence.

But feel I need to teach her some more coping mechanisms or at least get it through to her that it isn't the end of the world if you get told off or something you don't want to happen, happens.

We've been going through a lot this year (DH not well) but tried to keep things as steady as possible for the DCs.

Anyone experienced same? Sorry for long msg!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

mamalocco · 17/10/2007 20:40

This sounds very familliar - DD1 (now 8) was put on the sad cloud in reception (her one and only time) and was hysterical for two hours. In the end the teacher had to take her off the sad cloud. I was called to the schoool and told that her response was 'unacceptable'. All I can say is that she is more 'robust' now although still has a perfection streak which is hard to live with. Hopefully her teacher is sensitive to her and will treat her appropriately. Sorry can't offer any practical advice - maybe someone else will post and I can borrow the advice too!!

suwoo · 17/10/2007 21:04

My DD is like this too, but is also the same with anything that is not to her expectations. For example, in reception (last year) she wouldn't often cross the playground without me. One day, she agreed to go in with a friend, but she ran in one direction and the friend in the other, so DD lost the plot and was hysterical. She was on the thinking board twice in reception and at each time it took me until approx 5pm to get to the bottom of why as she was hysterical. Would be interested in any expert opinions on this too.

chankins · 17/10/2007 21:07

no expert opinions I'm afraid - I just wanted to say that I think you handled the situation really well, wishingchair - what you said to her sounds lovely, and I'm sure it helped.
I was a bit like this at school, mortified if ever told off, (not that I ever did anything naughty !)
Think it is something to do with being perfectionist and having high expectations, but like I said, no expert opinions !

3andnogore · 17/10/2007 21:12

wishingchair.....not sure how old your dd is, but I think the way you are tackling it is good for a schoolage child...
my ys is very over sensitive (always has been) and it does make life difficult, because, well, personally, I find myself trying to avoid this sort of "confrontation" due to the consequences...but of course this is not always an option, sigh!

Boco · 17/10/2007 21:22

You could be talking about my dd!

The teacher snapped at her recently - she was asking for a tissue and the teacher said 'just get one, you don't need to ask!' and she was so upset, she didnt' cry at the time, but when i picked her up she was tearful and angry about how bad tempered her teacher was and it obviously hurt her feelings.

If i tell her off at home she loses the plot, wails and falls to the floor. I have to be quite careful about criticism and how i put things. I rarely shout as she'd be beside herself - any kind of disapproval sends her into a spin. she's a total perfectionist too, doing writing if she goes wrong the book is flung in one direction and the pencil in the other - if she gets stuck with reading she starts writhing.

It is quite hard to negotiate, takes lots of patience and reassurance. But also a little bit of briskness i think as she really needs to learn to take criticism at school or it'll be increasingly hard for her.

RustyBear · 17/10/2007 21:32

I thought, DD used to be like this, I'll ask her how she got over it...
She said - Look, last week I got pissed off getting a B - do you think I'm over it? (she's 17 & doing A levels)
She then said - you have to repress it, or you'll end up a total nerd. I pointed out we were talking about a six year old & that 'repressing' might be a difficult concept for her & she said - Tell her the teacher doesn't hate her just because she told her off and she (the teacher) won't even remember it the next day & that she's not stupid just because she got something wrong.

Don't know if this helps at all...

Boco · 17/10/2007 21:37

RB your daughter is very wise, actually that is advice that I need to take, even more than my dd.

empen · 17/10/2007 21:38

My dd (5) is the same and I blame myself. When she was a lot younger I made a point of never telling her NO. I would say other things like, 'not at the moment' or distraction because I did not want her to be a bratty kid who barks NO at me when I asked her to do something - so it generally was not in our vocab! Thing is on the occasions when she nearly hurt herself - touching oven door moment, I went into natural mother and screamed NOOOOO at her - she was mortified that I was obviously so cross at her. Took ages to explain. Anyway, now she cannot handle being told off and reacts much better to things being explained to her. The situ is fine at home but she would be devasteated to get told off by teacher and even minor rise in voice would be taken as serious telling off and therefore over sensitive reaction.
I do find that she is really well behaved though!!

3andnogore · 17/10/2007 21:53

aww rusty, or daughter sounds wise beyond her years and just wonderful

MascaraOHara · 17/10/2007 21:59

MY dd's is also 5 and will be watching this thread with interest. She is also very well behaved and gets very frustrated/upset if she can't do something as well as she thinks she should. This evening I took her fingers outs of her mouth, she punched herself really hard on the head twice - I was so shocked I asked her why she would do that and she said it was because she had been naughty. I told her she hadn't been naughty I just didn't want her biting her nails. I have also caught her sracthing and pinching herself before now when she thinks she has done something wrong.

suwoo · 17/10/2007 22:06

My DD can mostly be found sitting with her fingers crossed

empen · 17/10/2007 22:08

Mascara - that behaviour sounds quite extreme, are you concerned?

MascaraOHara · 17/10/2007 22:10

I wasn't until I read it back. it worries me when she does it. I don't want it to develop into self harming

TrickorTreat · 17/10/2007 22:12

Awww. I have a very sensitive DD. She feels things so deeply. So much so, that she cries when other children are upset, or if something breaks.

I try to work my parenting around that with her. The thing that throws her most is not being able to follow a routine, or things that are out of the ordinary. So, familiarity with a rule/punishment and a deeper-than-usual-for-a-child-of-that-age explanation helps. As does going over things often/repeatedly.

DD will remember things from quite a while back, and that is something I have to bear in mind too. These are usual key characteristics for highly sensitive children.

They are fabulous creatures, if a little harder work sometimes

MascaraOHara · 17/10/2007 22:15

oh yes, dd remembers the most amazing details. Also she is a very 'good' child iykwim.

empen · 17/10/2007 22:15

Mascara - self harming was what jumped into my head as I read it however self harming (as I understand it) is a way of dealing with emotions rather then being cross with yourself for something. But I would still keep a close eye on her if I were you.

TrickorTreat · 17/10/2007 22:18

Yes, DD is the same. VERY eager to please.

Wants things just so, and if she doesnt manage it, will quite violently throw herself around, and currently has taken to screaming utter blue bloody murder whilst clapping her hands in a manic fashion.

It can be quite scary to watch sometimes. I gently try and calm her down, and try not to focus on what I consider to be the more unusual reactions, because she'll be only too aware that I am focusing on it iykwim?

empen · 17/10/2007 22:19

Its funny but I am always commenting on my DD for remebering weird stuff. She asked my mum how her toe was 2 years after mum had operation on it (dd was 2 when op took place!!) i never connected it to the sensitivity though.
When she was a baby I followed quite a strict routine (whispers Gina Ford) and now I wonder if this has contributed.
I am due to give birth in 3 weeks and am debating over best way to 'bring up baby'

JacOLantanne · 17/10/2007 22:19

Mamaloco - I think the fact that your child's reception teacher has a "sad cloud" is unacceptable.

DD1 has a "basket" and ended up in it for pushing another child at the end of the day - she came out hysterical "I've done something terrible" - she cried for 40 minutes - huge wracking sobs - I know she shouldn't have pushed and we have discussed that but I still had to supress an urge to rip the sodding chart off the wall. To make it worse the teacher carried it on to the next day because it had happened at home time so dd1 had to worry about it all night.

I managed 30 reception children without having to resort to these methods and they weren't particularly easy children either. I really believe that starting with a positive is so much more successful. Sorry, just hearing a lot about these methods at the moment and it's making me cross.

MascaraOHara · 17/10/2007 22:20

I just deal with it however feels most appropriate at the time. Like this evening, I told her she hadn't been bad and she mustn't hurt herself. that it's OK to be frustrated but to try and tell me how she feels. we were having a cuddle at the time anyway so I just made light of it and said "poor head" whilst ruffling her hair and then gave her a big kiss on her head.

I don't think it's anything too much to worry about at the moment, I think she just can't articulate yet her frustrations.

empen · 17/10/2007 22:21

Now I am feeling bad that I am too strict with her. She can remember every time I 'told her off' and she would never be naughty. Maybe I have not let her be a child!!! Feeling bad right now!

TrickorTreat · 17/10/2007 22:28

empen, DD was a very 'laid back' content baby. If I'd followed GF, she'd have probably just slotted in with it just fine.

With DS - he was such a farking nightmare that I resorted to buying a GF book to help and found that it failed miserably and made me feel even more useless.

It's all about personality - even at that young age.

TwigorTreat · 17/10/2007 22:31

farkin' 'ell .. thought I'd just posted that then .. but I didn't

TrickorTreat · 17/10/2007 22:37

Twig - Happy Birthday

(cant believe this name was free )

suwoo · 18/10/2007 07:57

Empen, I used GF rigidly too with DD and also wondered if it contributed to DD's inability to cope when things are not normal/expected. My DS is 10 months and I have used the timings as a guide but with more flexibility and we also co-sleep now, so you will probably relax more with this baby.

Flip

1 2 3