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Original poster

Super-sensitive DD ... extreme response to being told off ... help

53 replies

wishingchair · 17/10/2007 20:22

Just been to first ever parent evening. DD is doing well academically, has friends, enjoys school etc etc but teacher said she is super super sensitive and gets very upset at being "told off". Wasn't even told off, just told her not to do something. Apparenlty she was hysterical for about half an hour. Teacher said "it was the most extreme response she'd ever seen".

It drives me mad ... if I tell her off for something she will always always cry. She's also a perfectionist so gets frustrated when things don't go right, cross then cries because of that too. I've been trying to teach her to go into another room for a few mins to calm down which she's been doing.

Talked to her tonight about how it is sometimes useful to be told off and eventhough it doesn't feel nice, you can learn from it and used an example of when I got stopped by police for minor driving offence.

But feel I need to teach her some more coping mechanisms or at least get it through to her that it isn't the end of the world if you get told off or something you don't want to happen, happens.

We've been going through a lot this year (DH not well) but tried to keep things as steady as possible for the DCs.

Anyone experienced same? Sorry for long msg!!

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MascaraOHara · 18/10/2007 08:45

It's funny because I never used any parenting books but as a result of my lifestyle dd has always been in a structured routine and I've also often wondered if this has contributed to her sensitivity. she's so used to consistency that anything unusual is a shock.

ProfYaffle · 18/10/2007 09:08

Wow, this is spooky. My dd1 is like this too, very compliant, fantastic memory and is horrified if she's ever told off. At toddler group the other week she wandered towards an open door (I knew where she was and had told her not to go out of the door) the group leader called out "don't go out of the door sweetheart" and dd1 was very upset, and now 3 weeks later still won't look the leader in the eye.

She doesn't start school til next year, I'm really not sure how she'll cope.

ProfYaffle · 18/10/2007 09:08

Oh, and I didn't use GF, we just had a fairly relaxed dd1 led routine.

Original poster
wishingchair · 18/10/2007 10:53

So it looks like I'm not the only one then!!

My DD is nearly 5, had a chaotic first time mum no routine till she was about 4 months then settled naturally into the fairly typical contended baby routine. We're not particularly strict but don't tolerate rudeness, violence, the usual stuff. Never needed to use naughty step or anything like that. Sticker charts work pretty well.

Been thinking about it all night and she is eager to please, she will get upset if someone does something she feels is wrong either to her or a friend. The time when the hysterics are worse are when she is indignant about something ... if she feels she shouldn't be told off or if someone used a slightly short tone of voice and she didn't think it was necessary. I wonder if it is frustration related.

How do you tell them to deal with this though? Rustybear - you're DD makes very good point!!!

OP posts:
poppynic · 18/10/2007 11:01

I am currently looking for a book on relaxing/calming for anxious children as my ds (5) is a chronic nail biter and has just started pulling his hair out. Has anyone come across a good one that might help us all?

quickdrawmcgraw · 18/10/2007 11:11

My dd is just the same! Is it only girls that are like this? Dd hates to be told off too. When she was in Junior Infants (reception) if she was told off (told to turn around or stop tipping her chair) she would duck under the table and stay there crying until the teacher could coax her out!
She's also a bit of a perfectionist with writing etc and takes AGES to get her homework just right.
She's a terrible cry baby which I wish I would sort out as crying over the tiniest things is a bit much for a 7.6 year old.

AitchTwoOh · 18/10/2007 11:11

wow, the vast majority here are girls, that's interesting. are they also PFBs? i think i was a bit like this as a eldest child, it's like a storm in your head, a bit overwhelming. my mum used to help me to 'calm the storm', iykwim? i just thought about things too much, i guess. still do.

Katsh · 18/10/2007 11:16

I had a dd just like those described - now nearly 8 and the issues are all pretty well resolved, and she's a very confident, robust girl, but from 3 - 5 would "punish" herself for naughty behaviour ( as she saw it), and do all kinds of other unusual things . I found the book "The Highly Sensitive Child", enormously helpful. Can't remember the author, but easy to get from Amazon etc. Made me realise that my daughter was an HSC and gave me lots of insight and strategies for helping her.

Original poster
wishingchair · 18/10/2007 11:17

So yes mine is a girl and a PFB ... hmmmm.

Guess they just have to toughen up a bit (as we all do) and learn to deal with life's knocks, and gain a bit of perspective which of course only comes with experience.

But good grief if you could hear the wails that get emitted when she falls over ...

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Original poster
wishingchair · 18/10/2007 11:17

Katsch - thanks for the book ref. Going to look for it now

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AitchTwoOh · 18/10/2007 11:19

ask her what it's like, later, when she's calmed down. she's probably very bright and will be able to tell you,and that might give you some clues as to what to do.

erniesmama · 18/10/2007 11:26

Can I contribute a DS aged 5 to this discussion?! My DS2 (so not PFB) hates being told off and apparently has never been told off at school (yet!). His teacher says he is incredible eager to do well and learn, but is such a perfectionist he gets incredibly frustrated with his work.
If I even point out to DS that he has bumped into someone in a shop he goes bright red and teary; he hates not doing everything 'right'. Whereas DS1 can totally switch off from 'criticism' and is certainly not a perfectionist in any shape or form (like his mother!). Any more perfectionist boys out there?

colditz · 18/10/2007 11:27

A lack of sensitivity has it's downsides too though folks ...

If ds1 was told not to wander out of a door, he wouldn't even notice. Then he would be told again - he would meet it with "Why?". Then, if told he might get lost, he would happily insist "But I won't!" and go anyway.

It must be very very hard to be treading on eggshells all the time, but I think instant compliance is a damn good trade off. I can bellow and stamp my feet, and say things like "If you run into the road again you might get squashed and bleed and it will hurt more than when you fall off your bike!" but the downside is that the only way I know this is that I have to bellow and stamp and rant things like that to be heard and noticed! Yet strangly, ds2, who is supposed to be a NSC and therefore less sensitive, is actually more so - and more compliant.

quickdrawmcgraw · 18/10/2007 11:28

I think I will get that book Katsh. I had it in my shopping basket a couple of years ago but didn't get it in the end. Maybe I should have.

Yes, dd is also a PFB.

MascaraOHara · 18/10/2007 12:03

That book sounds good. My dd is an only child and I am a WOH single parent - always have been.

All of the DC talked about here sound like my dd! It's reassuring in a strange sort of way that the behaviour seems fairly common.

dd is incredibly obedient/compliant also.

blueshoes · 18/10/2007 12:34

hmmm, my dd is a girl (but of course) and PFB and was brought up the total opposite of a GF routine. Dd would never have accepted a GF routine. She basically made her own routine and I just watched for cues. She was a high need baby, stroppy non-compliant toddler.

She is not at all sensitive. I can shout at her (ok, I need to work on that) and generally it is water off a duck's back. Or she crosses her arms and goes into a strop. And still does not listen.

I am sure it is personality driven. For those posters (mascara, suwoo, empen ...) who followed GF strictly, I think it is because of your dcs' personality that it worked, rather than the routine shaping their personality.

In other words, my daughter is incredibly non-compliant, happy to muck in and inordinately proud of her less than perfect work. Not sensitive. There must be a link somewhere ...

colditz · 18/10/2007 12:40

They care more - that's why they comply, I'm sure of it. Ds1 doesn (sorry) give a shit how cross, unhappy, disappointed I am. He will do it again 2 minutes later. Ds2's face crumples if my expression is cross - and a cross expression is all it takes to stop him in his tracks.

MascaraOHara · 18/10/2007 12:41

WOAH - I did not follow GF.. I said I didn't follow any parenting guide. I did my own thing!

Sometimes I don't even have to raise my voice, just use a negative tone and she's worrying.. I'm never had to smack/use naughty /time out.. nothing.

empen · 18/10/2007 21:03

Mine is PFB but I am not sure that contributed - she was always just a little adult in our family. I thought about this thread a lot last night and it bothered me because I think I am making my dd grow up too quickly.
She takes all the plates to the kitchen after dinner, scrapes and rinses them, she puts her washing in the laundry basket - divided into colours, she will always tidy away her toys before she gets something else out - the list goes on. My DP does not do ANY of that yet I am expecting my dd to do it - I have created a miniture version of me yet she is only 5

imaginaryfriend · 18/10/2007 21:31

Can my dd join the club? She's just turned 5 and does pretty much everything described on here, including making her hand into a tight fist and hitting herself on the head when frustrated. It really gets to dp and I when she does that. I'm better at making light of it but he gets very cross with her.

The other day all her group at school were put into time out for talking when they'd been told to be quiet. It was at the end of the day. When I picked dd up she walked out with her head straight down, wouldn't look at me, and burst into complete hysterics. She wouldn't eat dinner and lay on the sofa for most of the evening not talking to me. I had no idea what had happened and she wouldn't tell me. The next morning we went in and the teacher took me on one side and said that dd hadn't been involved in the talking but that she'd had to put the whole group into time out for consistency's sake. That's dd's nightmare: firstly to get told off seriously and secondly for it to be unjust!

empen · 18/10/2007 21:42

Hey - that would annoy me too. At least as a grown up I would have been able to say something ie Sod Off I did nothing wrong but it must be frustrating for dd as she knows teacher is authority and she can't just react like that

Fizzylemonade · 18/10/2007 21:54

I also have the Highly Sensitive Child book by Elaine N Aron and it is fab. I too was a HSC so I do understand where my son is coming from.

Like every time we bath him and wash his hair he will always ask for us to pour the water gently and not get it in his eyes. Also he is highly sensitive to smells, especially if something is different like when it has rained and we walk to school and the grass and mud smell damp.

The book is good as it doesn't pidgeon hole them, it acknowledges that all children are different, like it may take some children 5 minutes of watching other children play before joining in, and my son takes about 30 mins

Making them feel that they are not normal (as my parents did) makes them feel even worse. My son cries at everything and we have taught him to take deep breaths and calm himself down very quickly, he can't prevent his reaction but he can control it. He is 4.4yrs old.

Maddy72 · 19/10/2007 10:13

My 6-yr old Dd is classed as a very "well-behaved child" by her class teacher, who said there is nothing the problem with her, she is just so well-mannered. Now I am going to sound like a mum who seems to have a problem even with a good child, but I sometimes worry because the child-minder said that she asks permission for every small thing, like "Auntie, can I go to the loo?" I also worry about whether she is not telling her teacher out of fear of the come-back, when she does not understand something at school.She is so careful with feelings, she has learnt nowadays to ask me "mum, are you alright?" even when I so much as sneeze.I just hope she won't fall behind her peers due to these traits, because her friends are bolshy talkative self-pushing six yr olds who are not shy of coming upto me and saying"Auntie, I finished home-work before her", but my Dd later tells me how rude they were to say such things about others.Sometimes I think she needs to be a little "bad" to survive in this world, you know what I mean!Academically she is doing well, but extra well when we teach her at home, whereas at school she just reaches average levels if we were not to do much homework with her. I feel her personality is holding her back from achieving her true potential, whereas DH is not worried, he is pleased that Dd is perfect.May be I am being too competitive!!

Maddy72 · 19/10/2007 10:25

Boco, I read your thread and my Dd is similar, perfectionistic, cannot take criticism, even the slightest, almost expects me to clap happily when she has got the wrong answer, any other response disappoints her to the point that she stops the home-work task.Has to always have the right answers and the most beautiful writing. When I try to re-assure her that its ok if she makes a mistake, she is only little, she looks as if she does not believe that.This slows down her work.

MascaraOHara · 19/10/2007 10:59

I've been thinking about this loads since this thread started.

Another thing my dd used to do is when she drew a picture she would then scribble all over it in black crayon (as it wasn't good enough). she has stopped this of late and now lets me even display them..

This morning she did something (wrote her numbers out) and I said that's fabulous. She stood in the middle of the front room and said "I know, I'm proud of myself". I was so pleased.