Giving a 2 year old a daily choc button as a reward for good behaviour

[boo64]

I have started giving ds (2.3) a single chocolate button at the end of the day when daddy gets home if he is a good boy all day.

It seems to really work as e.g. when we went for our walk today and he started messing around (as he has started doing recently - trying to sit down on the ground etc when we are walking) I just said 'oh remember what I said about having to be sensible to get your choc button' and lo and behold every time he slipped back into it, he stopped and was then really good all day.

So I'm using it as a bit of a threat 'stop x or you won't get your button'.

I'm sure I've seen somewhere that you shouldn't really use food as a reward but this is just one little chocolate button so does that matter if it is working so well?

Generally he is a very good eater of fruit and veg and would pass over chocolate for fruit a lot of the time, so I don't have any concerns there but maybe there is a drawback something I haven't considered?

Not sure what the answer to your last point is - I have been wondering this too - if he behaves in a way that 'loses' the reward in the morning where is his incentive in the afternoon?

I studied some psychology at university but am no expert but yes, certainly a reward or any such feedback should ideally be soon after an event - especially in a small child who has a short memory. But with ds I do quickly refer to an event earlier in the day at button time and he does know what I'm talking about. This is in addition to positive or 'constructive' feedback at the time. So e.g. if he stops holding my hand when walking I tell him at the time with appropriate words and then we mention it again at button (or no button) time.

Actually this weekend we forgot about the buttons anyway and have a new trick - he loves doing his little jobs so we just say 'ds one of your jobs is to do x' or if you don't hurry up you won't be back in time to do your jobs etc.

I think if I reinstate the end of day reward I might try stickers instead given concerns some of you have raised re food as a reward. He isn't mad on stickers yet though so not sure it will work so well.

Well I have been reading with interest the posts from the experts as admittedly I hadn't really thought about the sticker reward thing that much - its not really a big deal for DS.

Food was already becoming an issue (albeit a temporary one) and so if DS does really well at mealtimes I tell him how impressed I am and sometimes, not always, give him a sticker as a treat. He certainly doesn't expect one for eating at every meal and from my point of view it is only a temporary measure anyway.

**I give you permission to say that you told me so if I post in the future complaining that my DS is turning in to a selfish spoilt anti-social little so and so

So MN Towers are guilty of encouraging this behaviour too...after all most of us wouldn't bother entering reviews or MN Local entries if it weren't for the competitions

I was always told not to use food as a bribe as it can contribute towards an unhealthy relationship with food. However I am guilty of it, if we have ice cream in the house ds will usually refuse to eat very much of his meal because he wants ice cream so I do bribe him and it does work.

We also use a sticker chart which has transformed ds's behaviour (I wish I had started years ago!) and if he has lots of good boy stickers he gets pocket money at the weekend and a chocolate treat. It probably is not ideal but it seems to work for us.

If I am honest I don't feel I have a very healthy relationship with food and food was never used as a reward in our house.

NQC - my ds's both demanded that daddy and I sing them our special 'Clean Plate Club' song in a restaurant.
We were jsut talking them out of it when the waitress overheard and asked what they meant. We explained that traditionally, when ds2 (particulalry picky eater) cleared his plate, we all sang him this song. She beamed at the boys and said: ''I think Daddy and Mummy should definitely sing it to you now.....''

We were whispering it and trying to play down the actions while muttering twixt clenched teeth to the waitress ''You've so blown your tip, dearie...''

But then she boguht us a free irish coffee each so ...

All very interesting reading.

The more I teach, the more I hate praise for 'normal' behaviour. The kids expect to get brownie points/praise for just doing what I would expect anyway (following instructions, not punching others, doing the work). Really dislike this. Instead I like to model the happy, social behaviour and have a generally positive, enthusiastic, interested atmosphere. This is then 'withdrawn' when/if children misbehave (and reinstated as soon as they are exhibiting correct behaviour).

Think the (behaviourist?) drive on praise/punishment has rather missed the point.

Hmm thinking further surely in life as adults we are rewarded for 'good' behaviour a lot and find much of our motivation from rewards. Now sometimes they are financial, sometimes praise, sometimes wanting to feel good about yourself.

I don't think that giving stickers or buttons is much different to being paid to do my job BUT the crucial thing is that I don't expect to be paid financially for every positive thing I do in life. So surely as long as ds continues to not expect choc buttons for everything he does and feels that sometimes praise alone or just a good feeling about doing something nice is enough, then that's ok?

I have had various bosses at work and was/am definitely more motivated to continue providing a high standard of work with those who show their appreciation. I can't be bothered as much when there is no positive feedback.

I also take criticism of my mistakes better when I know my achievements are recognised with verbal praise.

Yes Otherside but that is praise when you have done something well (which of course we all need). Not praise for turning up on time every day.

But of course, it is nice when your boss NOTICES that you are there on time every day and greets you with a hello and is interested in you. This is general positivity, not praise. We need to praise achievement not behaviour IMO.

Perhaps it depends on the age of the children? How old are the children you teach?

I know that getting shoes on at the right time (and not being distracted by toys etc) is a real achievement for my DS, but then he is only 4.

I am sure I won't feel it necessary to praise him for this when he is 12!

I'm not sure that praise for 'everyday' things is a problem. Ok, you don't want to give enormous praise for basic stuff, but an acknowledgement that something is being done well can't be a problem, can it?

Or are there legions of parents out there madly over-praising their children and ruining them in some interesting different way?

(I think a natural tendency is to underpraise, all the time, so I'm eager to praise more, wherever possible.)

Oh yes, overpraise rather than underpraise every time .

And yes, if it is an achievement then of course you praise - that will be different for different children let alone ages.

It is hard to articulate in short posts but it is more that we are aiming for happy, positive day-to-day interaction rather than just reacting to their negative/positive behaviour 'oh WELL DONE, Good girl'/go to naughty step. The difference between encouragement and praise is prob very subtle for the purposes of these thread. But for the psychology of long-term behaviour - well, the whole subject of discipline fascinates me!

Will do me research and write a book or something. I think How to Talk shows the general idea...

that's just plain bribery. What happens when one day he wants 2 buttons, or he wants something else, what if they're not that good but not that bad. I find bribery although it works initially can be make a rod for your own back. What if you forget to buy the buttons? I think it's better to address each incident individually so they know what is good and what is bad and why they shouldn't do it.

If they lose the button early on in the day they have no incentive to be good anymore.

stickers work well and you can reward more specifically rather than generally - you can't have too many stickers.

Franny, 'Punishe by rewards' is by my bedside!
Reqwuired course reading as one of our jobs is to be able to refute his arguments with flair and knowledge.

I get really irritated by adults who refuse to use food as a reward for children when in fact we all do it?

Who hasn't promised themselves a lovely pud on a special occasion, a pint after a hard day's work or a glass of wine after getting the kids to bed?

Thats a good point Moondog. Many / most of my adult 'treats' are food related. Takeaway curry. G&T. Wine. Crisps.

All other issues aside, I don't know why rewards of stickers should be any better than chocolate. OK, so rewarding with chocolate may possibly lead to comfort-eating, but won't sticker rewards promote retail therapy? I don't know why one is better than the other, because both can be fine in moderation but risky in excess.

My DS has to take really nasty medicine every day. I give him a chocolate button after he's taken it. It means it's not a battle, he now smiles when the medicine appears because he knows it'll be followed by chocolate.

Interesting debate.

The trouble that rewarding yourself with food and alcohol is that it starts off being a special treat, and ends up being an everyday reward for just doing normal stuff. I hate the fact that I have this connection between food and rewarding myself and I will try not to lead DS down the same path.

I don't see a glass of wine once the kids are finally tucked up as a reward. It is essential comfort part of my day - a sort of parenting version of young child sucking on bottle or breast!