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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Our baby boy hates his dad!!!!!

26 replies

coates · 19/09/2002 20:46

Can anyone help I have a son who is 4 months and everytime his dad goes near him, talks to him, holds him etc etc he screams the house down. I don't know what to do as this is very upseting for my partner who is a wonderful dad (we also have a 2 year old daughter) he is very much a hands on dad and this is also added pressure to myself as my partner cannot releave me of looking after our son as he absolutely screams the house down anyone got any suggestions I am getting v desperate now

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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sobernow · 19/09/2002 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

coates · 19/09/2002 20:55

Thanks sobernow for your message unfortunately I have been to both my HV and GP and all they have said is that he should grow out of it which is possibly true but at the moment can't see how as he won't go near his dad so if you hear of anything please let me know

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threeangels · 19/09/2002 21:07

He must really be attached to you which is so normal. Ive heard of this many times. Hes still young and will probally go through periods of wanting one over the other back and forth. All I can say is just leave him with dad at times even if he screams. Remember hell be ok with dad. He will get used to it in time otherwise youll never have time alone. He should try and have 1 on 1 time as much as possible with focussing a whole lot of attention on him. Im sure you guys have allready benn doing this though. I promise hell be fine. Its probally one of those wait till it passes thing.

crystaltips · 19/09/2002 21:07

Babies are very unpredictable. My DS now aged 9 was just like this and was nearly hysterical when DH went anywhere near him .... Maybe DS realised that it was not me ( the milk bearer )... due to the different smell - but DH was really upset. So much so his approach to DD ( 2 years later ) was very "hands off".
It was only after a "ticking off" from me that he (DH) felt he had to interact with DD more ... and it paid off famously.

It all takes time - and if your DH/DP is able - time and patience are the best approach.

I KNOW that children/babies can suss when an adult is ill-at-ease ( Sure it was in Eastenders tonight ) so perhaps if DH/DP relaxes - and maybe if you are not in the room ... things will iron themselves out ?
HTH

sobernow · 19/09/2002 21:08

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jodee · 19/09/2002 21:10

Coates, I don't have much experience either and I can see how distressing it must be, especially as you don't get a break from the childcare routine. Following on from Sobernow's thoughts about smell, babies are very sensitive to this and it seems he is highly tuned to your own smell - next time you go to hand your son to your partner, get your partner to put an item of your clothing (t-shirt/vest, worn once, so your odour is still with it) over his shoulder/chest so the baby comes directly into contact with that first, it might give him the reassurance of his mother that he needs to start with, and gradually he will get used to your partner and (hopefully) go straight to him after a while. Good luck.

sobernow · 19/09/2002 21:10

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sobernow · 19/09/2002 21:12

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ScummyMummy · 19/09/2002 21:12

Hi Coates. Could your partner cope with the screaming if you left him to it for a little while? And could you? If so I'd suggest you taking your daughter out for a short time and leaving the boys to entertain each other- maybe at the weekend?- and seeing if things get any better when you're not around. IME babies can be very possessive of their mothers but sometimes lighten up if dad is the only option. I think it's really good for kids to get time alone with each parent too. HTH.

Original poster

coates · 19/09/2002 21:15

Looks like we will just have to keep trying, my partner tries to spend time with him but our son just goes hysterical. Sometimes he only has to look at him. We have tried him talking in a very soft voice but at the moment nothing seems to work. I go out of the room but it is very hard as all I can hear is our hystercial son screaming. IF I go out I usually get a phonecall to come back home because he is completely hysterical (and he is) but as soon as I hold him he calms down! I know boys are mummy's boys but this is going a bit too far!!!

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Original poster

coates · 19/09/2002 21:17

Thanks Jodee I did think of that but have not tried it yet I will try it right away and let you know the results am so desperate will try anything.

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Original poster

coates · 19/09/2002 21:20

Thanks crystaltips for your message it is reassuring to know that someone else has gone through this although (age 2) is a bit scary!!! I have not breastfed so he doesn't think of me as the milk bearer... it is all just a mystery but please everyone keep these tips coming and I will try them all.

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crystaltips · 19/09/2002 21:30

Does DP wear glasses - and you don't - or vice versa ? Something as simple as that might be the problem.

I used to look after a nephew of mine - and things were fine - until one time I turned up in sunglasses - poor soul went ballistic ... Just another thought ...

jodee · 19/09/2002 21:40

Crystaltips, I had forgotten that - ds used to go ape if I tried to give him to anyone in glasses!

MABS · 19/09/2002 21:43

Yeah - ds hates anyone holding him wearing glasses - including me in sunglasses.

ames · 19/09/2002 21:50

Not much advice just wanted to say your not the only one. DD (8mths - wow, its flown) is very much a mummies girl. The only rule I have is not to take over (grit teeth and wear earplugs!) as DD can be absolutly screaming and as soon as I took her, she would turn to daddy and gave a little smile 'cos she'd got her own way (just to rub salt into the wound) Is it just DP that DD cries with or anyone who holds him? Perhaps your DP could find something that DS likes or laughs at and he be the only one who does it. With us DD used to hate the bath so I always put her in and DH was always the one to rescue her from the dreaded water, now he's the only one who throws her up in the air which has DD in fits of laughter from DD ( I just go and the cloth ready to clean up the inevitable pile of sick!)

mears · 19/09/2002 23:12

Has he tried skin-to-skin contact? Babies respond to that so it may be worth him doing this after a feed when ds is relaxed. Lying him naked on his chest when he is relaxed ( baby and dad) may help with that bonding. Do not worry too much about it - this phase will pass.

SueDonim · 20/09/2002 06:24

Is there something your baby loves, such as being bathed, that you can do together, then gradually let your DP take over more and more? Or maybe all bath together in the big bath? Or you could snuggle into bed together so your ds gets used to your dp being there. I'm sure it will pass but it's frustrating while it lasts. Hope this phase is over soon!

Pjay · 20/09/2002 07:08

I have to say that I don't have much advice than what has already been given, but we found once when I was going out for a night that I had a stronger than normal perfume on. My now 4mo old screamed at me and would not let me hold him to even say goodbye. I also from the word go left Dad to get him and stay with him on his own, and he just got used to him more and more after a few weeks, now he stays with him fine. I know the crying is awful at first but maybe if you go out for 5 mins, then 10 mins etc it will help get them used to eachother without the hysterics getting too bad.
Good Luck anyway

Original poster

coates · 20/09/2002 09:10

Thanks for all your advice will keep trying it, have tried skin to skin and he screams. I wear glasses sometimes and contact lenses other times so he is use to me with both D doesen't wear glasses. DS now hates the bath so I have tried bathing him and he screams for me and Dad dries him but he just screams, anyway will keep trying.

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Popparoo · 20/09/2002 09:30

This is exactly the age that my dd became very anti anyone else although luckily she was still OK with her dad. If her grandparents so much as sat near her and looked at her she would scream and cry and they were quite upset about it. It may have lasted up to a month, I can't exactly remember, but I think it is quite a normal stage, related to the baby's growing comprehension and awareness of the world, and fear of being without his number one person. We were worried & upset at this stage, and obviously it would have been much worse and more inconvenient if dad was unpopular as well as everyone else.
I am sure this stage will pass soon. I humoured my child as far as possible but sometimes you need to let yourself have a break and leave them with someone else.
My dd adored her grandparents again within a few weeks and continues to.
Hope this helps!

ejanes · 20/09/2002 10:43

coates - do you and your dh have a chance to be able to just sit on the sofa together for about an hr each eve with your ds and have some 'quality time' (sorry use that term but don't know how else to put it) - if your ds see's the smiles on your faces and the 2 of you together you may find after a week or so you can start a gradual process of handing over. It may be esp. important not to rush the process and stay around if your dh takes ds so that it's not an either / or situation. Maybe dh could hold him while you play with him - or even feed him. It may gradually get your ds more used to dh without him being overtly aware of it.

Original poster

coates · 22/09/2002 22:04

Thanks again for all advice so far DS was left with dp and they had a nice hour together dp managed to feed ds and change his nappy twice and have a little play, then the screaming started on Sat then today they had half an hour together screaming started and dp managed to calm ds down so maybe some progress is being made. Will keep trying as I think DS has to learn that screaming will not result with him being passed to me and he will have to put up with dp. Anyway fingers crossed and will have to keep trying

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Bozza · 22/09/2002 22:36

Is your DS like this with other people eg grandparents or is it just his Dad? Also what about if he takes him out for a walk in the pram. Babies tend to scream a bit less in the pram. OK he'll probably fall asleep and not even notice who's pushing. Perhaps he could take hm for a walk just after he's woken from a nap.

Original poster

coates · 26/09/2002 09:54

He doesn't seem to like men very much but will tolerate his grandad much better than he will his dad. Dad is doing well though he keeps on talking to him and holding him even when he is screaming so we will just have to keep on although no improvement as yet!

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