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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Ok what do you teach your children if another child was to hit them?

95 replies

SpookyDooooo · 06/10/2007 08:23

Was talkling to a friend yesterday about this, we had different views so wanted to know what peoples opinions were, would you -

A) Teach them if someone hits you hit them back?

B) Don't hit them back tell someone?

When answering please put the ages of your children.

If you tell them "B" do you think they will be bullied for telling?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

TrinityRhino · 06/10/2007 08:27

dd1 is 7
In a perfect world (meaning no bullies) I would like to tell her B
BUT I am pretty sure that she will get bullied for being a 'grass' so we had a discussion about violence not being good but that you need to stick up for yoursaelf so if someone hits you just hit them back

AND the 7 said'I don't want to hit people and the second person always gets told off. I want to do what the school rules say and that is to ignore namecalling, try to sort a situation out nicely and if you can't tell a teacher'

FrannyandZombie · 06/10/2007 08:29

Ds 4 years old

I tell him to say loudly "Don't hit me, I don't like it!"

and if that doesn't solve the problem, come and tell me or the child's parent. Them dealing with it on their own, without hitting back, is the ideal situation; there are more solutions than the two you offer in your OP.

colditz · 06/10/2007 08:30

Aged 4

B) tell teacher, or mummy. AND scream "STOP HITTING ME"

FrannyandZombie · 06/10/2007 08:30

So basically I agree with Trinity's dd

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 08:35

well it hasn't arisen yet but I would teach them to stand up for themselves. it really depends on the circumstances. I would say to use body language and words to try and intimidate the other person and tell them very firmly not to do it again. I would say only to hit back if it is necessary to protect or defend oneself. I don't think retaliation is a good enough reason tbh

TWIGgerhappy · 06/10/2007 08:37

what franny said

DS is 6.6, DD 3.5

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 08:38

oh look I took so long everyone crossposted.
I am not sure about telling the teache, I would probably only advocate that if they can't sort it out among themselves.
there is a huge difference, imo, between a bit of tiptapping getting out of hand,and systematic bullying. if it's the latter and the child can't cope then that's the time to involve an adult.

TrinityRhino · 06/10/2007 08:40

I agree with my dd too but I did that as a kid and got mercilessly bullied.

haychEebeeJeebees · 06/10/2007 08:40

I tell my dd1 to roar as load as she can in their face, and then stay away from them. If that doesnt work, tell the teacher.

Original poster

SpookyDooooo · 06/10/2007 08:44

No all i am talking about is a small hit, push shove etc our children are just 5 by the way.

The reason i say this is because i don't tell ds to hit back, not sure why but nothing has really ever happened yet.

My friends little boy is erm lets say aggressive, he is always taught no matter what happens if a child hits/pushes/shoves you you do it back to them.

There was an incident once when my ds & her ds were playing football my ds went to kick ball & kicked said childs shin by accident said child went loopy came over & went to punch my ds & screamed i hate you, your not my friend.

Now for me i found this very aggressive, ds was pretty scared & embarrassed, but i think if we had not been there watching said child would have punched ds for an accident so where do you draw the line with telling a child to hit back?

Wanted to know if i am wrong in what i tell ds as i don't want him to be bullied.

OP posts:

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 08:47

I would say to teach them to say very firmly Stop hitting me NOW I don't like it! it hurts me! and then walk away.
if it is a course of conduct i.e. not a one off I would suggest to say don't keep hitting me because I won't want to play with you and I will have to go and play somewhere else.
teaching a child to always hit back is very very wrong and can only lead to problemslater tbh.

TrinityRhino · 06/10/2007 08:47

ah right, I don't mean a little shove or push. I mean proper punching or smacking for the purpose of hurting my dd for fun.
with little shoves or pushes she is to say'don't do that' loudly and walk away/ignore.

it sounds right what you are telling him

FrannyandZombie · 06/10/2007 08:48

A child who goes straight off to tell after every little incident is not going to be popular, no, and also I don't think it is going to be good for their self-esteem if they have to turn to an adult to resolve every dispute. I think you should teach your ds to ignore behaviour that is just annoying, and say firmly and loudly "DON'T do that, I don't like it" to any behaviour that they can't ignore. There are different ways of standing up for yourself. Pushing and hitting is not standing up for yourself, it's being aggressive. Coming to find an adult is the next step if you find you can't handle it yourself.

unknownrebelbang · 06/10/2007 08:56

DS3 went through an aggressive phase when he was about 5/6.

We did our best to sort this issue out, alongside the staff, and it did eventually stop, but the problem was exacerbated by some parents encouraging their children to hit back.

I'm not excusing DS3's behaviour in any way,(here comes the but) but had the other parents encouraged their children to tell him to STOP IT and/or told the staff rather than hit back, I think the phase might have been dealt with a lot quicker.

We struggled to get him to stop whilst other children were hitting him back, although we did get there in the end.

I am, however, going to contradict myself completely here. There are occasions when a child has to hit back to protect himself, but I think this is when they are older.

Mine are 13, 10 and 9 now.

loopylou6 · 06/10/2007 08:59

i personally tell my son to hit them right back im not proud of this but after him being bullied for a long time at school i feel this is the only option, i also drill into him that u are to NEVER EVER hit someone first, i tell him that violence isnt nice and should only be used as a defence when nessecary. like i said i would rather it not be this way but i think children do need to be told to stand up for themselves otherwise they will be viewed as the "easy" target which will also stay with them through high school and their school days will be a living hell, kids are so cruel these days. As i said before my son was bullied for ages, it wasnt untill he finally snapped and hit them back, they never dared touch him again and wanted to be his friend, now his classmates are a little wary of him which i think works nicely

FrannyandZombie · 06/10/2007 09:02

I agree, I think they should stand up for themselves, but I think if they are taught that violence is the way to stand up for themselves, then they will find childhood, and indeed adult life, is full of difficulties. How do you personally deal with someone who is aggressive or threatening? Do you hit them?

loopylou6 · 06/10/2007 09:05

no but if someone hit me, then i would lamp em back

loopylou6 · 06/10/2007 09:06

i know it probably sounds dead silly but my ds really is a sensitive lad, and he DOES know not to hit people as and when he see's fit, i think i am teaching him self defence rather than violence IYSWIM, very interesting debate though.

FrannyandZombie · 06/10/2007 09:07

I see. Do you find this is a good method if dealing with conflict? Do you watch Jerry Springer a lot?

twentypence · 06/10/2007 09:08

What F&Z said - the "Don't hit me, I don't like it" will often alert an adult to the problem - without the child having to "tell" on the other child.

JolieGirl · 06/10/2007 09:08

So all those who tell their kids to hit the hitter straight back - what if the hitter is say 16 months old? I ask as I have a 16 month old DS who is not afraid to bop a child of any age over the head despite my best and consistent efforts to stop it. I would be horrified I think if a 4 or 5 or older child whacked him back. Is this unreasonable?? To date it has not happened but I guess I need to prepare for it!

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 09:09

if someone hits you and then you hit them back, that's not self defence it is assault, it is a criminal offence and you can go to prison for it.
self defence is something quite different, it is preventing someone from hurting you.

loopylou6 · 06/10/2007 09:11

no franny i do not watch jerry springer, please do not try and ridicule me, its really not on, the OP has asked a question and i am answering it, if you do not agreew ith my method of parenting then that is fine, i do not expect you to agree, but i do exoect to be able to post my opinion without being taken the piss out of.

loopylou6 · 06/10/2007 09:13

jolie girl, of course not, a baby hitting someone is a completely different thing

JolieGirl · 06/10/2007 09:14

I don't think anyone is ridiculing you.I am just concerned about the fact your child might thump a far younger child who does not know what he is doing. Worrying IMO. How would you prevent this happening?

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