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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Ok what do you teach your children if another child was to hit them?

95 replies

SpookyDooooo · 06/10/2007 08:23

Was talkling to a friend yesterday about this, we had different views so wanted to know what peoples opinions were, would you -

A) Teach them if someone hits you hit them back?

B) Don't hit them back tell someone?

When answering please put the ages of your children.

If you tell them "B" do you think they will be bullied for telling?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Gobbledispook · 06/10/2007 10:13

Mine are 6, almost 5, 3

Gobbledispook · 06/10/2007 10:21

I think some people are being rather melodramatic about hitting back too. It doesn't turn you into a gangster in later life FFS.

I was taunted by girls at secondary school and I did the laughing at them and ignoring tactic. In the end it was a slap in the face that shut the ring leader up and I was never bothered again. It's the only time in my life I've ever hit someone.

My brothers also hit back as children but I can assure you they are fine upstanding citizens who would run a mile from a fight.

If my child was being bullied, you're damn right I'd tell them to hit back. I don't want to find any of my children hanging in their bedroom or living with the scars that being bullied can leave you with for the rest of your life.

I do agree that avoiding violence is the best option if you can, but if you come across a really nasty piece of work, sometimes the ideal way is just not going to cut it.

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 10:21

scoobydoo
loupy just a thought. let's say that your ds is 14 and through a combination of inexperience, youthful enthusiasm and hormones he reads the wrong signals with a girl at a party and makes a sexual advance on her.
she is shocked and surprised and slaps him to stop him.
he then hits her back. is that OK?
because if that girl was my dd I would do everything I could to have him arrested.

Gobbledispook · 06/10/2007 10:21

'a child who is taught to deal with conflict by whacking someone wll turn into a violent teenager. i.e. a violent criminal'

Utter, utter rubbish

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 10:23

GDG is someone is tiaght to resolve conflict with violence then they will carry on doing it because tbh t is easier than actually dealing with it to just whack someone.
I am not saying that if you hit someone at the end of your tether, just that if it is taught to you as the right way to go.

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 10:23

thanks GDG

Gobbledispook · 06/10/2007 10:27

Oh OK. I see what you mean - obviously I would never advocate hitting back/violence as the first course of action. No way.

I am talking about when nothing else has worked and you are dealing with some really nasty kids - I'm afraid I had got to the end of my rope when I just stopped dead, turned round and whacked this girl.

There are children that carry on down the 'right' route - walking away, telling someone etc - and end up scarred for life, with terrible self esteem (I two people like this - it affects their life every day even as adults) or even worse, dead.

Sorry, I was talking at cross purposes to you and misunderstood.

loopylou6 · 06/10/2007 10:29

harp FGS no i would never think that was ok and TBH i find that rather offensive and simpley quite discusting that you would suggest that i would find this behaviour ok. All i have stated (and tried to be very polite with it) is that if my son is being bullied ats chool then i find it perfectly ok for him to retaliate if he was hit, none of this stupid sexual assault hitting females business.

loopylou6 · 06/10/2007 10:32

gobble, this was my take on things aswell, i explained that after being bullied and nothing being done about it i told my son to hit back which has solved the problem, unfortuantly there are people who are like a dog with a bone, and now my son who has acted back after being bullied has suddenyl become a pontential rapist, gangster, criminal etc etc

unknownrebelbang · 06/10/2007 10:44

I didn't say I thought that a five year old boy who is taught to hit back is going to stop doing it when he has grown up.

DS1 walked away in the instance I quoted. (The situation with DS3 was more complicated.)

FWIW, and I feel the need to clarify given the post about teenage lads' sexual advance misunderstandings, the attack on DS1 was an unprovoked attack, because the girl was misinformed about a situation. (The girl herself acknowledged this when she apologised to DS1)

Louana · 06/10/2007 11:09

looking from the other side, if my dd 4 hit someone i would rather they told the teacher, who would, hopefully, tell me and i could then discuss it with my dd.

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 13:21

I was explaining why I don't think it's a good idea for men to hit women.
I really can't believe I need to spell that out tbh.

unknownrebelbang · 06/10/2007 14:39

Forgive me, I thought we were talking about children.

dippydeedoo · 06/10/2007 14:46

ohhhh an interesting one-in an ideal world where all parents share the same morales altho the children would still fall out(cos thats how we learn about relationships and develop)we could teach our children to say dont hit me i dont like it and presume the childs mother would see this and tell her child it was unacceptable in real life its far more likely the mother wouldnt give a hoot.....he could tell the teacher who would speakto the whole class about nicety and being friends and hitting isnt the answer in reality sadly shes far to busy sorting out her lesson plans and class projections.....i feel in this world the only way for a child to grow up with his confidence and esteem in tact is to adopt the principle "i wont be the first to hit but ill hit you back harder and you wont wanna hit me again " i have 3 sons the eldest is 14 he has always been less physical he would always walk away from trouble so much so he seemed to attract more trouble luckily he can handle himself if he has to and is mentally bothered enough to do it ......middle son almost 12 has always been the one to stick up for himself hes never the first to hit but he always sticks up for himself and i have to say i feel he gets more respect that way and never the same person fights him twice.....son 3 aged 7 is home schooled and although hes often with other children an aggresive situation has never arose -but yes he can fight his way to the ps2 amongst his brothers lol.
teachers often use the philosophy 2 wrongs etc and if you hit back u are as bad ...well no your not being hurt is not acceptable and you are justified in retaliating.

dippydeedoo · 06/10/2007 14:50

i just read the hitting back of girls ......sadly and dont beat me up(pardon for the pun lol) i think if a girl hits a boy physically(i dont mean the sexual suggestion that was raised ) i mean girls do kick and push and slap then they must expect to give it out and get it back ......having said that i know at sons secondary school the boys just wouldnt hit a girl its a v big no-no but the teaching staff because of this attitude take it v seriously if a girl does hit a boy as really knowing they wont get hit back makes them a bully........

edam · 06/10/2007 14:51

ds is 4

clandestine · 06/10/2007 14:55

Once upon a time the hitting back option might have been useful as a fall back position, when reason and repeated telling the teacher had failed - perhaps a little bit like MB describes.

In today's world though, I feel that learning to walk away no matter how humiliating is the only safe response. There are too many knives on teh streets for it ever to be an option for a child to learn to engage. And too many children willing to use them with little care for the consquences.

My children are taught to walk away - always. And for those times when even walking away is not a safe option, then they are having Karate and Judo lessons too. Perhaps learning how to disarm a person with a weapon will be the most important skill we ever teach them.

A terribly sad inditement of the times that we live in but one must be reasistic

andiem · 06/10/2007 14:59

I agree with everyone who says don't hit back. My ds was bullied in year 1 and he never retaliated and the bullying resolved by a combination of him shouting don't do that to me and teacher intervention. I was so proud of him and they mentioned it in his school report about how mature he was. I'm not posting this to boast but to show that you can deal with bullying that is quite violent ie punching spitting without your child resorting to violence.
I don't smack my children and truly believe that if you teach your children that violence is an acceptable way to resolve a situation you are heading for trouble.

notnowbernard · 06/10/2007 15:22

dd1 - 3.9m I tell her to say in a loud, firm voice 'No, don't do that to me!'

Think it's an assertive way to get the message across without being aggressive (hitting back). And can attract adult attention.

And avoids the tell-tale-tit scenario.

harpsicorpsecarrier · 06/10/2007 16:55

theunknownrebelbang - but if you teach your ds that it is OK to hit then at what stage does this not apply any more?
it seems bizarre to me to teach a boy it's ok to hit a girl. maybe I am just being idealistic. some things are just wrong.

unknownrebelbang · 06/10/2007 19:46

Hitting is wrong, whether it's a boy or a girl and I'm not teaching my DS (any of them) to hit back, except in self-defence.

I asked the question because you asked what if it was a girl and it seemed relevant given that DS1 had been hit by a girl last week, not because I think he should have hit her back, but because I don't see a difference between boys and girls when we're talking about children hitting and hitting back.

Pitchounette · 06/10/2007 21:12

Message withdrawn

seeker · 06/10/2007 22:43

If a child hits your child and you've told yours that it's OK to hit back, what happens when the first child hits yours in response to the retaliation - if you see what I mean!

harpsicorpsecarrier · 07/10/2007 00:08

fair enough unknownrebelbang sorry if you thought I was having a go, I really wasn't

mrsmarvel · 07/10/2007 00:16

Say "stop I don't like that" until age 5 ish. After that I just make sure that they don't feel any fear and to do whatever they need to to make sure the other person doesn't think they're afraid. So either walk away / shrug it off / laugh or hit back if the person needs to be "shown".

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