Ok what do you teach your children if another child was to hit them?

[SpookyDooooo]

Was talkling to a friend yesterday about this, we had different views so wanted to know what peoples opinions were, would you -

A) Teach them if someone hits you hit them back?

Or

B) Don't hit them back tell someone?

When answering please put the ages of your children.

If you tell them "B" do you think they will be bullied for telling?

i see what u are saying harp and it does make sense, maybe self defense was the wrong term, but i do feel that a child who is allowing others to hit him/her without responding is a sitting duck.

i can safely say he would not hit a young child, he has a younger sister so knows the score, but if a class matew as to hit him, then yes he would hit them back.

and what about hitting a girl? what about hitting someone who is autistic or is otherwise unable to control themselves?
what about when he is seventeen and in a pub and someone starts something? honestly, this is how people learn the kind of behaviour that gets them into a great deal of trouble later

Well my said friends little boy has not hit my dd but he did push her because she toke his drink & he wanted it he pushed her when she was about 15 months & she fell on the floor & cried.

I just think where his parents have drummed into him if anyone ver hurts you meaning, hits/pushes/shoves etc then hit them back, he is continuosly drummed this in to him, i think maybe his father thinks it is the way to make him big & tuff, but really deep down if anyone is nasty to him not through physical violence that he does not know or who is not close to him he actual backs down & is quite a timmid boy.

I just think it is a real shame when people want there children to be this big tuff lunatic at the age of 5 when really all they are is innocent children wanting to get on with life.

I'm with colditz, Scream, 'Don't hit me', as loud as they can and tell the teacher.

DS (7) was punched in the back by a rather nasty 10 year old last week. Thankfully there were witnesses and the school stepped in......my dd who is 10 and in the same school also flew, screaming like a harpy, to her brothers aid!

If the 10 year old keeps this up, I would be oh so tempted to tell him to punch the little bugger back (ds being very tall and strong for his age as well as very gentle), but would have to restrain myself

truly, it is not just that violence isn't "nice" it just isn't the answer to any conflict in a civilised society. we are teaching our children the right way to resolve conflict. and to hit someone back when they hit you is not right in any respect. that's why it is illegal.

(having spent a fair bit of a time in the Youth Court this is a subject close to my heart. a five year old hitting back is one thing, but they grow up and hit harder).

Ive always taught my children to walk away/remove themselves from any situation where they feel threatened or are being hit etc, if it continues to tell someone what is happening. I would be horrified if my children hit back, that's just aggrevating the situation IMO.
DS is now 9 and DD is nearly 4.

Blimey this parenting lark is hard isn't it, there always something to think about & try to get right along the way

No, you're right loopylou, I was ridiculing you, and it probably was wrong of me, but tbh I was taken aback by your statement that if someone hit you then you think the best thing is to hit back.

I often deal with situations I am not sure about with humour. I find it can work well, better than violence IMO.

I must have a bit missing in my brain - I really really don't get the hit them back thing. So your dc hits the other child - other child hits again (because if someone hits you, you hit them back) your child......and so on.
I tell mine to say "don't hit me!" and walk away.

We also have lots of conversations about telling tales. We have a mantra we chant "When is it OK to tell tales? When you or someone else is really hurt or really upset" I've always tried to teach them not to sweat the small stuff (god, I hate than expression - don't know why I used it!)

so what happens when your child is hit in school by kids, he does nothing but tells the teacher? teachers IME dont do much about it apart from maybe keep them in at playtime as a punishment, the child who is suffering then is seen as "a telltale" and becomes even more of a target, i have seen my son cry before he goes to school because heis scared of a certain child. I am sorry but i would much rather my child stand up for himself. Harp my son is not a bully and i am not turning him into a thug, like i keep repeating, he knows not to hit someone unless they have hit him, and i do not mean he runs in all guns blazing if he has been pushed or shoved, i mean if someone punches him for eg then he will punch them back.

So someone punches him he punches them back, said child punches him again then they have a full on fight & lets face it someone gets the upper hand it may be your son it may not be & this has solved the problem yes?

My child doesn't do nothing if he is hit! Loopylou you aren't reading our posts - there are other ways to stand up for yourself without violence. I teach ds to say firmly "DON'T do that", to walk away if it seems best, to look confident and to look the child in the eye and to use words to stop the problem. If that doesn't work, get an adult to help. That is how adults sort out disputes, not by brawling in the street. You'll end up in the cells if your way of dealing with conflict is to hit back.

Good advice on here for me - I have been wondering how to deal with this all week. My ds 3.5 consistently come home from nursery and says that 1 or 2 boys in particular are always hitting him. I've been saying - tell the teacher - which obv. hasn't worked up until now. So I was about to start telling him to hit back.
But I'll use the 'Don't hit me' loudly way - that sounds as if it can work.
When ds hits me (sometimes in frustration or in a jokey way) should I try that way with him? to demonstrate and reinforce what he should do?

i hear you all i really do, in the ideal world, yes that is the best way to deal with it, i am not disputing that, BUT after seeing what my child went through in school and seeing how much that affected him i tried a different tactic, this has worked, he hasnt been picked on since, this is becasue he is now "respected" sad fact yes, but a true fact never the less.

I asked my dd what she would do and she said she would tell them not to do it again and if they carried on doing it she wouldn't play wtih them.
I asked her if she would tell the teacher and she said no, but tbh she is only four and probably not facing anything other than a bit of aggression.

I agree with F&Zs attitude. If a child meets violence with violence it is no longer one child hitting another, it is a fight and it becomes fairly irrelevant who threw the first punch. I encourage my boys to tell an adult, with confidence that it will be dealt with fairly. Our school has a 'telling' culture and it works well. They also have to take responsibility for their own behaviour and recognise that bugging someone can wind them up to a point where they have no words left and they might get hit and that they would carry some responsibility for that. DS 1 is 10. the thought of hitting someone back who hit me is to me, it is assault i would call the police!

Does it make a difference if it is a girl? gender in these circumstances doesn't really make a difference.

DS1 was assaulted by a girl last week. She was successful with the first slap, then he managed to block the rest of the attack without hitting back. Whilst he was praised for not hitting her back, (because we have taught him to walk away where possible), should it have made any difference - if he had retaliated - whether it was a boy or a girl?

well this is another one i will be shot down for, (i am effectively digging a hole for myself here, anyone have a spade? ) im not sure about kids, but if i was to punch my husband ( which might i add i WOULD NOT) then i would fully expect to be hit back

if a person is big enough to dish it out, then they should be able to take it IMO, im gonna slink off now before i become the most hated mumsnetter

yes I think it makes a difference if it is a girl.
I would feel very differently about a fifteen year old boy htting a girl than about him hitting another boy. and so would the police tbh.
boys are bigger and stronger, on average, than girls and they can cause more damage when they hit.
it isn't so important at 5 of course but if youhonestly think that a five year old boy who is taught to hit back is going to stop doing it when he has grown up well you are delusing yourself tbh. a child who is taught to deal with conflict by whacking someone wll turn into a violent teenager. i.e. a violent criminal

Harpsi you have just stated what i wanted to hear, i shall carry on how i am with ds at the moment

Combination of A and B.

DS is 4 and we have had this problem. Sometimes in the cafe we go out to as a family there is a kid of roughly the same age that uses the play area and always ends up going a bit mad and hits and shoves other kids, including my DS. The parents are unable to 'see' the problem... but that is another discussion. We think ds is old enough now to learn to look after himself since we will not always be with him -in school etc- to protect him. So we tell him that it is very naughty and wrong to hit other kids but that if someone is hurting you it is ok to shove them away (not necessarily hit, mind you) and leave. We've told him that it is then best to tell a teacher or us, but always to remember that the other child is being naughty. To our secret delight, the other day the same brat kid was up to his usual tricks and DS gave him an massive shove and walked away, then came to tell us what had happened. The kid was a bit surprised. Obviously no-one ever fights back.

With all of mine I tell them to say 'don't hit me/don't do that' and go and tell a grown up.

If it carried on and nothing was being done and tell them to hit back.