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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I am MORTIFIED by DS behaviour at nursery this morning!!!!!!!!!!!! (long, sorry) Advice needed please

23 replies

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 14:10

I went to pick DS up from nursery at lunchtime today and was absolutely horrified by what the staff had to say about his behaviour today.

Another child was lying on the floor and my DS went over and kicked this child in the head!! I don't know what they were all doing at the time or whether he was provoked in anyway (but that's not the point)! They were also lined up to go outside I think, and he started pushing the other kids and apparently started a domino effect involving 3 other DCs.

They then went on to tell me that his behaviour is getting worse, i.e. not listening, not sitting nicely when eating, etc.

Obviously I am mortified at the above behaviour but also with the staff in his room because this is the first I had ever heard of any of it!

I asked what they were doing to try and stop it and they said they use the time-out technique. I asked how it was going and they said, "not too well"! I then asked what else they intend doing. The nursery assistant couldn't really answer me but said they are going to monitor him for another week and then try an incentive/reward scheme, i.e. stickers for good behaviour or no stickers!

I'm sure loads of you have been in this awful position and I would be grateful for some advice in curbing his behaviour and whether there is anything I could be doing at home to help. DS is in nursery 4.5days per week!

Oh and to top it all off, they told me all of this in front of another mother!!

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meemar · 04/10/2007 14:13

Hi mishy moo - how old is your ds and how long has he been at the nursery?

Doodledootoo · 04/10/2007 14:17

Message withdrawn

swollen · 04/10/2007 14:21

That was very unprofessional of them to speak to u about this behaviour issue in front of another parent. ask for an appointment to speak to the nurseery teacher - not an assistant - to find out all u can about his behaviour and what plan of action they will put into place. note down any changes in behaviour that u have noticed at home recently. Talk to him about what he likes to do at nursery, who he plays with etc - dont mention his behaviour until u speak to the teacher and have all the facts. Good luck. (Im a primary school teacher and deal with behaviour issues and parents reg!)

Original poster

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 14:22

He is 2.3 and has been at the nursery for a little over a year now.

Everyone has moved into new rooms (beginning Sept) and it did take him a while to adjust. Used to be very clingy and cry in the mornings when I left him at nursery but has been fine the last couple of weeks.

I did wonder if he was getting bored and if there isn't enough structure. TBH the staff in this room seem to be particularly "soft" and he tends to play up with them.

He thrived in his last room and the staff in there were fun but took no nonsense. I really don't know what the answer is.

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WaynettaVonBlood · 04/10/2007 14:22

You don't say how old your DS is.
Am for you at the nursery for telling you this in front of another mother.

A year or so ago my DS1 (3) was doing lots of pushing etc, and I was dreading picking him up in the evenings because I was afraid of what other horrors he may have done that day.......
A few weeks later I was at one of the kids parties and mentioned to one of the other mums about the troubles we were having, and it turned out her DS was doing the same, and she was having the same convos every day!! After further questioning it transpired that 5 of the 8 mums there also had 'troublesome' children! So it looks like it might just be a phase.
I always ensure that that the nursery and home have consistent punishment / rewards. I think your nursery should enforce the time out thing, and continue to do so until they're working.

Don't feel bad, I guarantee you you are not alone

(and if it makes you feel any better: one DS1 ran over to a girl (one of his friends) and hit her over the head with a car, on purpose.......just as her parents walked in to collect her !)

Original poster

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 14:41

It really is amazing how the staff make you feel that your child is the "devil" and the only one who misbehaves! I haven't never felt so humiliated in all my life!

OP posts:

chipkid · 04/10/2007 14:49

oh FGS this is what bugs me about nurseries. The staff often have totally unrealistic expectations of the children in their care!

He is acting like a 2 year old. Yes the aggression is a concern and should have been hilighted but the rest-not sitting at the table-what do they expect with children of this age. They should be able to deal with it

Furious on your behalf.

chipkid · 04/10/2007 14:50

my ds's old nursery complained because ds (2) was not standing watching the other children practise sports day! they complained that when he was not having a turn he would go off and play on the nearby slide-what did they expect!

itwasntme · 04/10/2007 14:54

It sounds like quite normal behaviour for a 2 year old to be honest, though I understand how embarrassed you must feel.

I know of many little boys and a few girls who were exactly the same at this age, and they all grew out of it.

Sticker/reward charts sound like the way to go, in the mean time, patience!

Theclosetpagan · 04/10/2007 14:58

I'd say this was pretty normal stuff for a 2 year old tbh. My DS (now nearly 5) was exactly the same at 2. Boys seem much more boisterous and physical.

Your DS isn't being naughty as such - just exploring his effect on the world around him. I think the sticker chart thing sounds a good idea.

They shouldn't have said all this in front of another parent - that's bad.

cluelessnchaos · 04/10/2007 15:04

sounds quite normal, wouldnt have been worth comment at my ds nursery

wb · 04/10/2007 15:56

I initially wrote you quite a long reply to this, which I have just deleted owing to your son's age.

Please don't feel mortified - he's only 2 and a little bit. Barely more than a baby.

Obviously the nursery staff shouldn't ignore this but it is really hard for children this young to behave 'nicely' when surrounded by other kids for whole days at a time.

Is he generally happy at nursery? I'd ask to talk things through with the manager. They should be able to deal with this.

coffincarrier · 04/10/2007 16:01

2.3 and won't listen or sit nicely when eating well I am afraid it is reform school...
he is just a baby really and this kind of behaviour is extra normal. it takes a long time for children to learn to control their feelings, and this is really the very beginning.
please don't be mortified, just try and stay calm about it and give your son lots of cuddles, lots of boundaries, and lots of praise for good behaviour.
I think in your shoes I would have a firm word with the nursery about telling you things like this in public (not on, imo) and to talk about what they are doing to help him control himself...

bluejelly · 04/10/2007 16:05

agree with wb

maisemor · 04/10/2007 16:06

It is funny how different members of staff can tell you the same story about what your child has been doing today.

Now one member of staff always makes it out to sound as if it is only my child that ever acts up and is naughty. My heart sinks every time I have to collect my child and it is her that has to do the handover. You walk away feeling like the worst mother of the year.

The other member of staff comes quietly over explains that your child has not been wearing his listening ears today, they have had to issue several time-outs etc, but don't worry too much as your child is definately not the only one. If his behaviour does not improve we will talk about it again next week. You walk away feeling like you are doing okay taking everything into consideration.

coffincarrier · 04/10/2007 16:08

what kind of nursery is this? tbh I don't really get all this run down on behaviour stuff. what is the point? not have his listening ears on today?? my dd2 is two next month and I don't think she has any listening ears
it sounds ot me like he is being set up to fail.
Are you otherwise happy with the nursery? do you think he might be happier elsewhere or in a different setting e.g. a childminder?

doggiesayswoof · 04/10/2007 16:10

I remember going to a parents' evening at dd's nursery last year (she was 2.2) and staff explaining that she was reaching all her milestones - one section in her file included unwanted behaviours like "biting, hitting, kicking, screaming, etc" with a big tick beside them all. I was but the staff member said "you see it's perfectly normal - she is 2"

If your ds has moved room recently the staff may not feel they know him properly yet. I agree the onus is on them to help him control himself - I would maybe ask for a meeting with the room senior. I think sometimes nursery staff don't want to bring up stuff like this - they want to give you good news at the end of the day - hence you find out about it when it has already been going on for a while...

Lizzylou · 04/10/2007 16:25

DS1 is 3.5yrs old and at preschool 5 mornings a week, so a bit older but he's been there since he was just over 2. His preschool leader is fab, she actually said to me that she is almost glad when they start getting "boisterous" as then she knows that they feel comfortable and are only pushing the boundaries!

DS1 has been "acting up" on occasions and they have various controls at the preschool. Reward stickers are given out to children who have earned them and DS1 was once mortified that he couldn't go outside to play with the other children but had to help tidy up the preschool room instead.
It really seems to work well, sort of carrot and stick, I know but very happy children.

I know that it is different with them only being there half a day, but it sounds like the staff at your DS's nursery don't have much control. You shoould also complain about them discussing your DS in front of other parents (you pay them to look after your DS, not bloody humiliate you!).

mumofhelen · 04/10/2007 19:19

I don't know about your circumstances and type of nursery but could you stay one day to observe what's going on? That's what one parent I know suggested to the nursery. This parent was fed-up with the constant criticism of her ds behaviour by nursery staff - who even contacted the hv - that the parent volunteered to stay the day at the nursery. Strangely enough, the nursery nurse changed her tune, and told this parent that her ds wasn't "that" bad and it wasn't necessary to stay in at the nursery to observe her son's behaviour. The parent had other concerns regarding this nursery but didn't do anything about it because her ds was due to move on to the local school's nursery the following term. As far as I'm aware, the little boy (now 3) is doing very well and the neither the nursery teacher, nor the assistant have expressed any concerns about his behaviour. The point is: could the nursery nurse be exagerating his bad behaviour? OR have you misconstrued what was said? Are you being too sensitive? Or could this behaviour be a temporary phase due to a change of circumstances?

Original poster

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 20:11

Thanks girls! I am glad my DS is not the only one who behaves in this fashion. Believe me I did not misconstrue what was said and I intend to meet with the nursery manager to discuss a way forward and also to complain about the unprofessional way the member of staff "notified" me in front of another mum!

He is generally a happy little boy at home and at nursery and yes he does have his moments when he is NOT mummy's little angel, but I think the fact that he has recently changed room, new staff, etc has contributed to this behaviour.

I am also wondering whether it only happens on certain days, i.e. when another child (x)is in nursery. My DS and x have a bit of a love/hate relationship but he seems to misbehave more when they are together.

Wish me luck with the discussion with the manager and lets hope we can find a positive way forward.

Thanks again for all your kind words and advice.

OP posts:

Lizzylou · 04/10/2007 20:33

OOh yes, DS1 has a posse of 2 other boys and they wreak havoc when all 3 are together!

Boys will be boys and he is only young, there is nothing "wrong" with his behaviour, rather how it is dealt with.

tizzwhizz · 04/10/2007 21:04

Do the nursery nurses have children themselves. This isnt a criticism of nursery nurses / teachers, I know that most are very good and realistic my ds's included. I just think it sometimes gives them a more realistic perspective as to whats normal behaviour which is what this sounds like it is. My 2.4 year old ds definately doesnt have listening ears, or if he does they are very selective in what they pick up.

Original poster

mishymoo · 04/10/2007 22:24

I don't think any of the 'usual' staff in his room have any children of their own and and they are all fairly young. To be honest, he tends to be better behaved/responds better or gets more stimulation from the older members of staff. But saying that, he also reacts better to those staff who enjoy what they are doing (have fun with him) and don't just see it as a job or routine/curriculum they have to stick to, IYKWIM.

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