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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I swear that my son is antisocial and that he doesn't know HOW to play :-(

18 replies

AnAngelWithin · 02/10/2007 16:50

my ds is 8. he has always had a short attention span. recently its getting worse. unless it's time on the computer then he doesn't want to know. Every chance he gets he is asking to play on the computer (playstation2) And when I say no he huffs and puffs and stomps around yelling at everyone. On the occasions I do let him on it (usually weekends only) he seems even worse when his time is up and he has to come off it. He just doesn't seem interested in anything else. I bough him a roboraptor at christmas, which he said he wanted, that cost me £100 and I ended up selling it because he didn't use it at ALL. All he wants for his birthday next month and christmas is a newer computer console and games but I refuse to pay out for another console when I only bought the one we have got last christmas. He won't even sit with us to do family time. If we all sit making things or colouring etc, even watching a dvd together, he refuses to join in. He has just rushed through his homework now and then asked if he could go on the computer and I said no because he didn't do his homework properly. He has now just thumped ds2 in temper. I am ashamed to say that sometimes I just can't stand the boy and his attitude now. What they hell have I done wrong to turn him into such an antisocial little boy??

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

dramaqueen · 02/10/2007 16:53

Get rid of the playstation! It is like an addiction so while it is still there he will think he has a chance of getting on it.

Pollyanna · 02/10/2007 16:55

my 8yo ds is limited to 45 mins a day at the weekend on his game, none at all during the week.

I find he gets very wound up when he is on his game.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 02/10/2007 16:57

i limit him to 30 minutes at the weekends anyway. i have started telling him that he will have the games taken off him for bad behaviour and he just stands there crying pathetically. its not just the computer though. even before we had the computer he would be like this, never playing with anything. i told him that over the summer holidays, anything he hadn't played with would be going in the bin or to the charity shop. he played with the lego and a read a few books and thats it. literally!

OP posts:

Pollyanna · 02/10/2007 16:59

have you spoken to his teachers? do they find he is the same at school?

Yorkshirepudding · 02/10/2007 17:00

Message withdrawn

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 02/10/2007 17:00

they have said that he is ok at school whenever i have asked. i have got a parents evening coming up in a couple of weeks so i will be asking again then. maybe its just me he hates being around eh??!

OP posts:

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 02/10/2007 17:01

i am in the process of sorting through it all at the moment. I threw 2 binbags full away last week. he doesnt even seem bothered!!

OP posts:

Yorkshirepudding · 02/10/2007 17:08

Message withdrawn

swag · 02/10/2007 17:10

IMO at around this age, boys especially, tend to develop obsessions and become fanatical over certain things. DS has done the computer thing. It is curretnly football.

It is so frustrating when he has such a one track mind and half heartedly attempts everything he does other than his latest obsession

I have found the only way to deal with this is to really crack down. Use the obsession to your advantage. We have the 3 golden rules here. Written up and on the fridge. We agreed them with DS and one of them relates to what we refer to as Smacked Backside Face which occured when pc time was up, asked to do anything to help, get dressed, endless list of just daily stuff that he would manage to have a strop about. (huffing, puffing, lolling on sofa) This Is Not Allowed.

If he breaks the No Smacked Backside Face rule, then he loses PC/PS2 for a day.

It took a couple of goes for him to realise that we really did mean it but there has been a much better response from him to the time limits playing on computer stuff, his attitude to siblings, participating in family life.

This may seem harsh but I swear that all other approaches just hadn't worked.

The list is still on the fridge as a reminder and if he starts playing up i usually point him in the direction of the kitchen to take a look and he snaps out of it.

Sorry so longwinded. You are not alone in feeling like this about your DS.

catinthehat · 02/10/2007 17:15

Swag-you can't just walk away and not tell us the other two rules!

Come back.

Original poster

AnAngelWithin · 02/10/2007 17:26

sorry had a minor crisis to deal with. yes with ds!

yes i do take the games off him and i tell him that if he doesn't stop crying then he will lose another one.

i know what you mean about the smacked backside face swag!! we have that here too!!

OP posts:

catinthehat · 02/10/2007 17:54

I thought that was genius too!

swag · 02/10/2007 17:59

AnAngel, I think you should try and talk to your DS while you are doing another task, sorting socks is a good one, try and keep it casual and involve him in the sock sorting but explain to him what the consequences of his behaviour are. Tell him you understand how important his computer stuff is to him and you don't want to have to enforce a complete removal from the house but that if he reacts like this every time he is denied tiem playing on it then you aren't left with much choice.

try and get him to discuss what happens when he goes off on one and how it impacts on everyone in the family, not just him. I explained to DS that when he went off it wound me up and then I'd take it out on one of his siblings by over reacting to a simple request from them.

I think this helps them to see the bigger picture.

Discuss what is acceptable and what is not.

Explain you don't liek getting onto him as much as he doesn't like receiving it

Dp, DS and I came up with

Shoes laces - he seemed incapable of ever doing them up and was forever tripping up and then had a nasty incident involving an escalator and would still leave the house every morning with them undone. I was just so bored of telling him to do them up all the time.
Cleanliness

Cleaning teeth means cleaning them, not just putting the toothbrush in your mouth. When you have a shower, use shampoo, don't just wet your hair ( examples of half heartedness)

Smacked Backside Face

Not huge huge things but so wearing having to constantly nag him about it all and the nagging has mostly stopped

swag · 02/10/2007 18:04

Shoes laces - No playing out for a day

Smacked backside face - No PC etc for a day

Cleanliness - Both of the above!

I feel like I sound quite harsh now

But it certainly worked and I would say that most of the time we are all much happier and i feel like I talk to him now rather than list off the things he hasn't done or get on to him about stuff that I feel a 10 yr old should be able to do without constant monitoring

catinthehat · 02/10/2007 18:41

Thanks Swag, not surprised they're working, look pretty sensible to me.

swag · 02/10/2007 19:58

Thanks Cat, the others seem quite disappointing in comparison to smacked backside face

AnAngel, sorry to have hijacked your thread I just wanted to let you know that you don't need to blame yourself (easier said than done) and that I've had one who has been the same. I was just so relieved when we found something that seemed to get through to DS that I wanted to tell you how we approached it.

lljkk · 02/10/2007 20:05

Probably it's late (4 me!) and I'm stupid from being tired but I don't understand how Swag's Smacked Backside Face rule works.

You actually smack his backside?
It's in place of a smacked backside? So if he is reluctant to get off computer/otherwise huffs -- he loses the privilege of PS2? Is saying "I'm too tired!" amount to "huffing", or does he have a time limit to comply be4 rule is broken?

swag · 02/10/2007 20:20

Smacked Backside face is from the saying 'got a face like a smacked backside'

I don't hit him!

The rules came about following months of unsuccessful approaches to get DS to take a bit of responsibilty for hiimself only to have everything met with smacked backside face-huffing, puffing, etc

I asked him what is he most fed up of hearing me say to him each day. He came up with the 3 things. We said we are fed up of saying those 3 things to you. And we decided the rules and the losses together.

So if I said, come on DS, time to get off the PC and he went into smacked backside face (huffing/puffing/wailing!) I would say 'remember the rules' and he would either choose to stop or carry on knowing he lost PC for the day.

I think he only actually ended up breaking the rules and losing Pc/going out 4/5 times. I think he just needed to learn that we meant what we said and that life is easier all round if he does what is expected and if he hasn't got me on his case.

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