Help I am going mad!!

[Lynne33]

I just had to post this to vent a little. My kids are driving me round the bend!! My ds (4) and my dd (2.6) are constantly bickering, pushing and pinching each other and generally getting on each others nerves. I seem to be shouting all the time at the moment and am becoming emotionally shattered . They also seem to have decided together to take no notice of what I ask them to do whatsoever. Every night I say to myself I am going to try not to shout at them tomorrow, and half an hour after they get up I am at it again!! Has anyone else been through this or got any ideas how I can diffuse a situation before I lose my rag and start shouting?!!

I am there too. I try to ignore the not too bad behaviour so that I am not constantly on at them but then I get it in the ear from DH complaining that I let them get away with all sorts.

I have tried to shout a lot less and speak calmly, several times over if necessary. Time out can also calm the situation too. I don't think shouting gets us anywhere but I have to say that my throat is rather sore today as a result of recent bad behaviour! My favourite time of day is seeing all 3 of them tucked up in bed fast asleep.

Try and keep them outside as much as possible, esp why the weather's good! My mum used to lock us outside if we were particularly hideous while she read the paper and calmed down.

Get yourself a digital kitchen timer, make them take turns and swap when the timer goes off. Even a young child can understand this.

Try 'positive parenting' praise them when they are kind and nice to each other. Ignore them or make them sit on the bottom stair if they are nasty.

Although my son is 7 he is rewarded with 50p every now and then when he is kind to his sister, reads her stories, looks after her and this works well. HTH.

This sounds like our house , my almost 7 yr old ds and my 4 1/2 yr old dd seem to hate each other, i also seem to spend my whole life shouting at them or dicaplining (sp?) them, as soon as they get up in the morning to they go to bed they fight, ive tried just about everything from separating them into differant rooms ,rewarding only good behavior and ignoring the bad, to punishment like sending to bed or not allowing tv or treats, ive tried star charts and now im going crazy nothing seems to work, no matter where we are they argue and wind each other up, i have almost lost it a few times, a few weeks ago i rang dh up at work and told him if he didnt come home i was going to walk out and leave my kids on their own, i really dont think i would have but its very scary just to have a thought like that, i also go to bed at night and swear to my self i wont shout at them any more and tomorrow will be better, but it never is. So any advice would also be much appreciated.

I agree ariel, I have also tried loads of different tactics like putting them on the 'naughty stair' (which my dd actually seems to like rather than see as a punishment), awarding good behaviour etc., and they may work for a while until they realise what your trying to do then it all goes out the window again.

I am glad I am not the only one who feels like this (does that sound callous? - it's not meant to) Once they're in bed and I have time to look back rationally over the day I sometimes realise I have over-reacted to certain things, but because of the slow build up of stress during the day have blown up out of all proportion. I then feel really guilty and Think that I must be an awful mother. It doesn't seem to bother my two as they are very affectionate towards me when they are in a good mood and often tell me they love me, but I worry that when they grow up all they will remember of their childhood is me shouting!!

Can I recommend some books? "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" "Sibling Rivalry" and "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children," all by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (And by the way I'm not on commission, I wish I was the amount I recommend them!) They are all full of lots of advice to make your relationship with your kids a little more harmonious and basically to make the routes of communication a little more open. I have read them all recently and couldn't recommend them more highly.

Maybe it's something in the stars - but my ds is driving me up the wall too at present. I really shouted at him the other day which left me feeling awful. Since then if my tone of voice has sounded angry he's said "don't shout at me". Admittedly we've had fewer battles - he seems to be getting the point that if he is naughty I will be cross and sad - but it's left me feeling really crap. We've had lots of cuddles too, but I just feel like I've been a complete bully, and really drained and depressed. It's not as if I want him to be a complete angel - I love his craziness and would hate to squash it out of him, but equally I have had it up to here with battling over every tiny thing.

Lynne33, Thats exactly how i feel, the stress and tension becomes unbearable and then you cant help but shout, and once their in bed i relise i was the one who probably over reacted.I often find if im tired(which is most of the time with a 7 month old) or stressed their behaviour seems far worse, when in reality it isnt it just seems that way. I also feel the same about when my children grow up i dont want them to look back and remember mummy allways shouting at them.

Lynne33,ariel, I got to the point where I seemed to be getting myself really worked up with them all the time and for ever shouting at my ds~(nearly 4) and dd (2 3/4). They were always arguing with each other and with me. In the end I decided that I was going to stay calm and send them to their rooms. If they are arguing with each other I don't even bother to find out who is at fault, they both get sent to their rooms. Works for me!

My brother and I are like chalk and cheese so when we lived at home with Mum we would argue 90% of the time! Yes, she would shout very loud sometimes, which would make us cry, but who could blame her!! She shouted at us equally as it was afterall 6 or one and 1/2 dozen of the other most of the time. I sometimes would go to my room to sulk if I felt that she had been unfair by shouting at us both, but now I admire how she never ever took sides. Besides, she never let me sulk as she would come in a pull faces at me till I'd laugh out of frustration, then laugh because she was funny. I still don't do moods to this day as she taught me to let it go..

My parents always made us sing whenever we went on car journeys. It wasn't until I grew up that I realised it was to keep us from killing each other.

Ah Slug don't mention singing in the car. It seems to be the only method of entertaining DS. He gets travel sick so looking down at books/toys and eating aren't great but because he is only 19 mo I have to do the singing. After a journey from Cornwall to Yorkshire singing "the wheels on the bus" and "if you're happy and you know it" (action songs preferred) over the engine noise I was quite hoarse and had a bad head!!

nics1stbaby, thanks for your message. You obviously really love your mum, and it gives me hope that my two won't hold all my yelling against me. We do have lots of laughs and silliness together as well, so fingers crossed that's what they'll remember.

Hi, its always good to read that you are not some wierd mother who feels and does things that no one else would!!!! .... I can feel just the same sometimes. I have a recommendation (running along the same lines as Anais), its a course called Understanding Children, its affiliated with local colleges but run in the evenings for 2 hours at someone (who is trained) home. I cant recommend it highly enough, it basically helps to teach you and your kids to communicate and understand each other in a different way (I am making it sound a bit flaky, but its not!) .... I would recommended it to any one with one or more little ones over 2 years old and upto 18! ...... Hope that is helpful.

Lynne33 - you're welcome. Yeah, my Mum's the best. I bet that's what your two think of you.

ariel, just thought I would post to see how things were going for you. Had a fairly 'shout-free' day today, but then my dh is home and it is a lot easier when you can spread the load, if you know what I mean?

Hi Lynne33, I just bought "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" and I don't like it at all! (sorry anais). The content is OK but I immensely dislike the style. It seems to be saying the same kind of things that Steve Biddulph says in The Secrets of Happy Children but I prefer Steve, who I did find very helpful.

I only have one ds but I know the feeling of promising myself I wouldn't be shouty all day and it only lasting a couple of hours. When I re-read Steve Biddulph and Christopher Green I realised that it did, in my case, seem to be about attention and lack of it. One way I found useful of diffusing a situation before I completely lost it was starting a completely weird sentence like (in answer to "I WANT" from ds): "You know what I want? (said loudly) I want a big house in the South of France with olive trees and a sunny garden. I want a huge stack of books and the time to read them etc etc" and then I'd ask What do you want? Sometimes worked, sometimes didn't! Also, loud music and a cushion fight seemed to help sometimes. Ds was getting my full attention, having fun (as was I) and we both got to work off some energy and aggression. Hope things improve for you soon.

Hi WWW, thanks for your suggestions, which all sound really good, especially the cushion fight one!!! I'll certainly give that I try next time. I quite like Steve Biddulph too, I read his book on bringing up boys which was useful, so I will give the other one a try.

Mine are boy 8.11yrs,boy 5.9yrs, and girl 4.3yrs
I get so frustrated when people say that you should not smack and should reason with children they clearly have not had the other bread of children that never ever do as they are told unless the little angels are with other people who constantly say how good they are when you know in the pit of your stomach the dream you had for them at birth rapidly disapeared by 14 month terrible twos huh! and the onward struggle ensued to make them behave in public as expected to be let down every shop, every trip, every friends house, every time out side house,even at school in the yard in full view of teachers school friends and parents etc when you get in the car to go home saying next time I will handle it better, I know I am a saint but I have to convince my self that I am not a bad parent, no one would put up with this with out going mad.

whoops there I was getting it off my chest forgot to finish I feel if we were allowed to smack as in a tap not a thump and not feel guilty say around the age of the terrible twos things would not escalate now days I feel I have to reason everything out till I am blue in the face to no avail now days at there ages they get sent out of each others way hard with three and sent to there rooms , could not do when young would of felt too guilty.

Abbey1, I have to admit to being virulently snti-smacking but I think most people still are okay with a tap on the hand/leg/bum. When talking quietly to one of mine when they're in a particularly vile mood I've often had people suggest that "what he needs is a good smack"....Not the way in my family, but obviously is in many others.

Oh, and i do do the lavish, praise thing as well!

I must admit I have to agree with Abbey1, sometimes when they are going balistic the only thing to snap them out of it is a slap on the bum. Obviously, I am not talking about walloping them, that's totally out of order. And I am sorry I just don't think it is possible to 'reason'with a 2 year old, they're just not interested in what you have to say. Well, I have probably wound just about everyone up, but that's how I feel.

Not only is it not possible to reason with most two year olds, but if they are anything like mine they will take great pleasure in doing the exact opposite of what you ask while smiling knowingly at you. My ds knows without a shadow of a doubt when he is being naughty, and he loves doing it even more as a result.

I haven't been around for ages, but have just read this thread with interest. I have got to say I agree with everything, my 2 (3 and 1) spend all day winding each other up and I can feel like I shout constantly at them.

Actually I had a huge shock recently. Social Services called me up, apparently I had been reported by some busy-body or other. An anonymous caller said that I shouted and swore at my children all the time, they were always crying and that they were worried I was about to lose control. On top of this they complained that I worked full time and had a nanny!

I couldn't believe it, Social Sevices had to call the GP, the nursery and everyone in contact with my kids to check I was not abusing them! Then the woman siad to me that 'shouting at your children does not help, and I need to sit down and discuss rationally the problem, or put them in their rooms!' My reply was that I am jolly well not going to rationalise with an 18 month old as she climbs on a stool (which she has pushed by the cooker) to see what I am cooking, and putting a 3 year old in her room (which I do) creates more noise as she beats her feet against the door and trys to kick it in!

Anyway, it did bring me up short that someone thinks I shout too much, I don't smack (save the odd tap) and I do separate my kids. But sometimes I lose it totally and do scream at them (PMT) I wish there was a realistic alternative, or magic potion that would actually help. Like everyone here I have tried the books, followed the advice, done the star chart, but there is no will greater than two little children who are intent on killing each other!

Oh God Crunchie, that's my biggest fear that someone will report me for shouting ! I wasn't sure if Social Services would react to such a complaint - but obviously they do !

Big Brother is truly watching us !

I will try extra hard not to shout now then ! Thanks for sharing your horrid experience.