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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Appropriate response to 3 year old scratching friend's car with a stone

19 replies

annieapple7 · 18/09/2007 22:06

Hi, advice needed please. Today my 3 year old while playing at my friend's house scratched the paintwork of her car with a stone. I was naturally horrified, said I would pay for the damage, apologised, and told him what a bad thing he had done. He just sort of smiled in an embarrassed sort of way. I took him home, saying how sad and disappointed I was, and sent him to bed tonight without a story or milk. I have never done that before and felt terrible, but I think i am usually too soft discipline wise and need to set some boundaries and show there are consequences for bad behaviour.
And advice please!!

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Original poster

annieapple7 · 18/09/2007 22:08

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peanutbear · 18/09/2007 22:09

Did he do it on purpose, it was probably because he liked the noise etc

Sidge · 18/09/2007 22:11

Sounds like you handled it pretty well to me. He's only 3, you dealt with the situation immediately, and his action had a consequence for him that was immediate and apparent. Don't go on about it, or drag out any more 'punishments', (he's had his punishment now) but if you see him heading for the cars with a stone in his hand a quick (atern) reminder is fine!

Twiglett · 18/09/2007 22:11

the immediate reaction was right .. your apology and offer to pay bang on

I think the bed without story or milk is a little much for this age

he's 3 .. he has no concept of value of cars, nor that its such a bad thing to do he just saw pretty patterns (which no doubt a bit of T-cut will take out anyway) .. I think at this age immediate is enough then get on with it .. the bedtime punishment is a little OTT IMHO .. but it won't damage him its just one of those things

But tomorrow is a new day .. wake up with your gorgeous boy and start a new day, slate clean, no further recriminations

seeker · 18/09/2007 22:11

Did he do it on purpose? I mean - did he know what would happen if he ran the stone along the car and that it would mean serious damage? He is only 3. I agree that he shouldn't have done it - but I think he's probably been punished enough. I'd start tomorrow as a new day, but take every opportunity to remind him about not damaging other people's things.

seeker · 18/09/2007 22:12

I don; think it's a case of "grave matter, full knowleedge, full consent"!

pointydog · 18/09/2007 22:14

argh! dd2 did this to our car when she was 4 or 5. She thought she was helpfully scraping off bird poo. She knew we were hopping mad but there was no point in punishment (other than lecture about damaging cars etc etc).

If he didn't realise what he was doing (and he is only 3), I'd let him off with an informative talking to.

I would have apollgised on his behalf and offered to pay for damage but maybe she could claim on insurance and you pay excess if it's really bad.

Original poster

annieapple7 · 18/09/2007 22:16

Thanks for your responses...you are right, he is only 3, but I am pretty sure he knows it was wrong and he did do it deliberately.
He is adorable, but I just want it to sink in that it was very wrong and not to do it again!
It is my friend's birthday tomorrow, perhaps we can buy her some T cut as a present!

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KerryMum · 18/09/2007 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FluffyMummy123 · 18/09/2007 22:19

Message withdrawn

Original poster

annieapple7 · 18/09/2007 22:25

My friend's son's birthday party is on Saturday and I did say I don't think he should go (horrid mother!) do you think that is a bit harsh for him. I think I do.. But I am too frightened to go round again in case he does it again!!

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pointydog · 18/09/2007 22:28

You think he did it on purpose, really? I'd let him go to party but then I'd feel sure my rollicking had taken effect.

HonoriaGlossop · 18/09/2007 22:53

You're making too much of this. What is a car and paintwork to your 3 yr old? it's a big wall like thing with some coloured paint on it. He has no concept of relative values and his concept of ownership will be sketchy.

Your response at the time was great I think. If you want to set boundaries and consequences I think for this age group, immediate and related is the way to go; in other words, maybe you could have done what you did, then said ok, that's it, we go home now and the fun here stops because what you did was not a good thing.

End of story.

Putting in a sanction at bedtime is way too late and unrelated and is more to do with just punishing, than with enabling him to see a clear boundary related to his behaviour.

As Twig said, clean slate tomorrow, move on.

Twiglett · 18/09/2007 22:58

he must be your eldest if that is your perception of his mental accuity

a 3 year old is an instant being, there is no malice aforethought hence no great culpability

if you continue to be bothered about this you will be a harsh parent who is more concerned with what other people think of your child than of your own child's well-being

you have done really well so far, please please forget about it .. you can discuss it as 'now that was wrong, wasn't it DS and you won't do that again' in a calm voice if he brings it up but other than that its over .. move on

Isababel · 19/09/2007 08:31

Call me harsh if you want but... DS, when he was 3 yrs old, pushed a one year old from the stairs, so... he went to bed without story or milk (and in a right strop).

Point is The baby was unharmed, obviously my 3 year old had no idea about how serious that was and had no malice. For him the child could have been a toy but the truth is that it was far from being one. So 3 yr old or not, we could't/shouldn't risk it happening again. We needed to get that message accross.

Although a car may seem like a drawing board, it is not, and repairing it is going to be costly, I think he has learned now that other people's cars are not to be scratched with stones, so I would just leave it at that.

christywhisty · 19/09/2007 08:45

NOt getting involved with this on rights and wrongs of punishment.

But you can claim on your buildings insurance under the legal liability section.
My daughter accidently scratched her car with her bike and the whole thing was settled by the insurance company. It came to over £600 because the car owner (who we didn't know) insisted on the most expensive quote

christywhisty · 19/09/2007 08:46

sorry that should say
scratched a car

sarahsails · 19/09/2007 14:26

Agree with Isababel. Discipline for the misdemeanour in hand then forget about it, unless they do it again!

Original poster

annieapple7 · 19/09/2007 22:25

Thanks Christy - that's a top tip. Isababel - I feel the same as you - regardless of whether it was intentional, I had to get the msg home that he must never do that again!
We have had no mention of it today, well, that's a lie, he came with me to the shop to buy some blue T cut for the scratches, and the cap was really easy to open ..and he opened it...all over his clothes and the carpet...but you will be pleased to know that there was a non-harsh response to it because it was an accident.
And we are going to the party!

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