Best methods to nip pushing and smacking in the bud?

[Chloe55]

I have an extremely boisturous 19mth old (only child) who is having to be watched at nursery where he goes 3dys a week by a single member of staff as he is regularly bitten due to him pushing other kids or snatching etc.

Up until recently I haven't seen much of this myself as he is doesn't spend much time with other kids when he is at home. We have just been on holiday and it was a bit of an embarrassment to take him to the kids disco/club as he would regularly push the other children. I would get down to his level and tell him that pushing is wrong etc and if he did it again I was removing from the situation (which basically meant me having to go in ) It got to the point where I didn't want to take him because I couldn't bare the look of annoyance form the other mums.

I have spent the last couple of tuesdays with my friend who has a 14mth old and ds has more or less pushed him or shouted 'NO' at him at every opportunity. He hasn't let him have a toy or anything. Said friend is extremely tolerant having a 5yr old herself but I am at my wits end. I seem to have spent most of the day telling ds off and it is the only day I get with him during the week

Please can anyone give me advise on what works for them as I don't want this to still be happening a year down the line. I know most kids go through phases but it is obviously a big issue at nursery aswell seeing as though he is the only kid with a sole carer.

He is actually quite well behaved in most other aspects.

Oh you poor thing, no advice i'm afraid but know how you feel and lots and lots of sympathy. DD is 23 months and has only done this a few times (hitting more than pushing) and I was completely mortified each time - felt utterly responsible even though I know it's not my fault. It sounds like you're doing the right thing and hopefully he will eventually learn that when he does it he gets taken away from all the fun...

hope you get some good advice, I'm sure you will

No advice here either I'm afraid as I have a similar issue with my dd (16 mths). I will watch the answers with interest.

It is mortifying, because however understanding the parents of the other children are you can see that they're fed up really. Who wouldn't be? If a child hit my dd every instinct would be to protect her, not to smile and say "Oh, I understand, it's not your fault, you're doing what you can..."

Is it possible for you to spend more time with him around other children and therefore increasing the opportunities for correcting his behaviour. You said he doesnt spend much time around other kids at home with you. Therefore, the nursery is doing all the work, which they cant possibly do as well as you (one to one watching his movements/behaviour).
I do find this is worse with children who are the only child in the family and those who dont spend alot of time with other children. My dd1 used to be useless at sharing, until she started to mix with lots of different children, especially in her home environment, she wasnt at all used to sharing her stuff and space (didnt push or smack, but was quite mean in other ways).

We used to go to lots of baby groups etc before I went back to work and he seemed to interact well then. Most of the children he mixes with at the weekend are his cousins who are a few years older and they all play quite rough (this is probably not helping), he gets some knocks when he gets involved but just goes back for more - he is such a bruiser. I have already told sil that we are gonna have to calm these antics down around him as it is obviously counter productive.

We are trying for a second child and I am hoping that he learns to be more gentle before I actually have a baby.

It seems a little strange that he was fine when you used to take him to all those places, but since he has been at nursery he has changed. Maybe its the nursery or the way they are dealing with it or the other kids that are there??

I did go back to work when he was 9mths though so I am talking a year ago and way before he probably knew how to be a bugger. I am gonna speak to nursery tomorrow to see if there is a way we can work together at making things better. Is he too young to get the jist of the naughty spot do you reckon?

I think it's perfectly natural and normal for this age group - some kids just do this. The trouble is that nowadays what with being at nursery for lots of hours a week, kids are being expected to mix and socialise so much; many of them simply aren't ready. It takes a long time for social skills to develop - longer than 19 months!

i think all you can do is be utterly consistent, as it sounds you have been. Always tell him no, we don't push, and try to distract him onto other things. If he persists, remove him from the room but it doesn't have to be in a cross, punitive way, just some gentle 'time out' and you can be with him. only has to be for a minute. It's just showing him a firm and consistent boundary.

Don't read too much into it, he's just young and if you are consistent, in time he will be absolutely fine. It's normal not to like to share at this age. Don't try to force the issue too much.

I always let ds 'hide' his most precious toys at this age, if we were having people round. It helped him realise that he was about to have to share; we spoke about it, decided what he couldn't bear to share, then he knew that everything else was fair game.

Yes probobly too young for that. Could be worth trying it to see if he "gets it" though.
I still think if you could spend time with him and another child and involving yourself in a game with them, would help get the message across that to play nicely you have to give and take a little, be cooperative i mean. With you there showing him how and correcting him if he gets it wrong will go a long way i think. Can you invite a friend over to your house from nursery?

I think you are right about getting him to mix with just one other child for a little while with me. I am sure at this age nursery can be quite overwhelming with so many kids wanting the same toy etc. I will try and get a nursery mum and child over and see if this helps.

Yes, good. Let us know somehow what happens.

One child at a time, increasing to several. Different children too, not just the same ones.

Of course, they do grow out of this. So dont despair! Dd1 is good at sharing now, she is 7. But i can see the reluctance in her sometimes when she has to share certain things. My biggest problem with her at the moment is getting her to understand that her visiting guests dont have to play what she wants them to. I mean, she ALWAYS has to be the mum or sister and her friends have to be who she tells them to be. Even if they dont want to play mums and dads or schools! God its frustrating cos its soo petit but she is soo controlling and it can become a real nasty affair if they dont do what she wants! I suppose its all learning, learning about what is reasonable to expect from a peer and from others in general.