Nearly 4 yr old and general behaviour

[knat]

DOnt know where to start really. DD started preschool last year and is under SENCO. She is very intelligent but socially underdeveloped. She displayed socially inappropriate behaviour o fhitting adults but with children socially inappropriate behaviour o fkissing and hugging all the time. The kissing and hugging has now stopped and her general behaviour at home over the holidays has improved - in that she will sit at the table and have a meal without any distraction (ie TV or book etc) which she wouldnt do before and generally doing as she is asked to do is so much better. However (and i know its still early days for settling back at school) she is still playing up at school especially and snack time (which has always been an achilles heel) and today when i collected her she was crying and wouldnt put her shoes on. I feel quite despondent because i felt i had made such headway at home but now her behaviour is starting to worsen a little at home as well. She is also always contradicting - ie look at that dog, its nto a dog its a cat. Look theres school - no its home. You get the drift. I know this is common but it is quite consistent and seems to be happening an awful lot more than her peers. School are great by the way but want to know what others experience/comments are. I have been quite strict at home and feel that maybe school could be doing the same however i appreciate that is not always as easy in that environment.

She's nearly four - so still three years old then. I think you're expecting so much! My ds hit people at 3! He hugged and kissed other kids without an understanding of whether it was appropriate or not. Not putting her shoes on, playing up at snack time at pre-school - so, so normal and common. So is contradicting; she's attempting to play a game with you basically; that and playing with her independence, she's realising that she can have her own views and try to influence other people's behaviour by stating them!

I'd be willing to bet all the money I have that she is NOT doing this more than her peers; you just can't know that, as you're not with them all the time. It's such common 'individuating' behaviour, they all do it.

Please don't worry about her. She's 3. She doesn't even NEED to be at pre-school, it doesn't have to be so formal or seen as a problem. Her behaviour will improve as she gets older.

The words you use when describing her are quite negative. Maybe accept her simply as she is for a bit longer before you worry about things.

thanks hg she is 4 next month it just seems that as they have put her under SENCO at school and referred to her SALT for language (processing of rather than her actual speech) it does feel that it is more than her peers. I dont want to be negative but every time when you fetch frompreschool there seems to have been a problem it is disheartening. She is a lovely little girl, bright and funny - thanks for your words and i'll try and look at it in a different light now!!!!

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thanks pruners - i have seen a huge difference in her over the holidays and she is less likely to have huge outbursts - i agree that emotionally she is very young (still haven't quite mastered toilet training - very few accidents but wont tell you she needs to go a- although seems to be dry at night) and the surges of emotion seems to fit her too. Its good to hear and i hope with tlc she will be able to handle things better. Thanks again

Knat, I wouldn't read too much into the SENCO at this stage. At my ds' school in year one as he now is, I understand that a third of the class are under the SENCO! All for different things, but it really is no 'judgement' on your dd that she is; it just means the pre-school identify areas they can work on with her.

The trouble is that in this country there is so much emphasis on going to pre-school, then we start them at school at barely four.

If your dd started school at 6 or 7 as some countries do, she may well have had time to mature, and outgrow all these issues! I think it's alot to do with us expecting an AWFUL lot of good, social behaviour from kids who are just not ready yet!

I'd take it all with a huge pinch of salt. Obviously support her all you can but don't let it 'label' her in your mind. She's just young.

thanks hg - completely agree. It is all this pressure of them going to school so young - fortunately dd will be nealry 5 when she goes even then i feel its still too young!!!

I can't believe schools can label children so early. It really annoys me. They're hardly stopped learning how to walk and talk and they're labelled as 'special needs'. The problem with school is it's a 'one size fits all' approach to teaching and learning. If your child doesn't fit in they're labelled. Surely ALL children have different and "special" needs.

Sorry rant over..it just really gets on my nerves (also have baby and haven't slept for about 4 months!)

thanks sarahsails - it does seem that way and you are made to feel that your chid is different (not necessarily in a good way!) The school are quite good though but yes i do feel that she's labelled special needs purely by being under SENCO although i probably should not think that too much as hg says. Today she's gone and says she doesnt want to go and wants to stay at home and was crying although left her ok so fingers crossed (but unfortunately this is what every day feels like wondering what's going to happen when i pick her up and now she's five mornings a week its constant!).

well very bad day - arrived at preschool to pick her up and her keyworker beckoned me in ahead of the others and dd was very upset, crying. Took her home like this all the way home. She apparently had been like this most o fthe morning on and off. Her behaviour today has been pretty bad - i just dont know what the matter is. I dont know if its just the routine of going to school when she's beenout of it for so long or what - also every time she gets upset (not just at school) she says she doesnt want a puppy she wants a kitten. We got a puppy 4 months ago which she loves but in the last couple of weeks this statement comes out quite a lot and usually when upset - whats that all about? She then comes home and will usually cuddel the dog and say he's her best friend!!!!

Oh dear, poor you and poor dd. I think possibly you're right, more time is needed to get her settled back in to the routine after the long summer.

She certainly doesn't sound happy there. I hesitate to recommend uprooting her as there are no guarantees, but are you perfectly happy with the atmosphere at her pre-school? Do you feel a positive vibe about your dd? Do you feel the staff are warm and approving toward her?

Because I moved my son from his first pre-school for exactly those reasons; nothing TOO tangible, just his distress at going coupled with my strong feeling that the pre-school leader was an old bag who did not value ds as an individual and who wanted to squash the children to fit the mould.

Best thing we ever did; his next pre-school were so accepting and so much more relaxed and he blossomed.

Do you think it could possibly be the wrong place/people for her? just a thought. Sorry it's been a bad day.

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thanks for the comments - i do think the preschool staff are good - have always tried different ways to encourage and support her - so not sure that a move will help. She's come out with a bit of a cold this morning so maybe some of the behaviur has been leading up to this! Again this morning said she didnt want to go and wanted a kitten nto a puppy!!!! Had a word with oneof the staff this morning also when i sat down with dd yesterday and drew pictures of her going to school, seeing friends, playing etc she was ok with it when i drew her sitting down for snack time she started to get a bit upset when i asked her if there was anything she didnt like about school she said eating and drinking. Snack time has always been an issue so i spoke to the staff and mentioned this (we always thought it was the change from play to snacktime but i'm not sure it is that now) They asked if she liked the food she had there and i said it was stuff she ate at home - i just wonder if there was anything said or done at that time that's upset her at some point and now whenever its mentioned it triggers something???? WEll lets see how she is when i pick her up today!