So - tantrums and terrible 2's - talk to me about them please

[thomcat]

DD2's timing is impeccable. DD1 (who has SN's) strated in year 1 and is behaving quite well for a little girl with SN's really and I want it to be as calm as possible for her as DC3 is due in 3 weeks time.

DD2 started to have proper tantrums. DD1 never ever had one so it's all a bit of a shock.

She's had the odd littel mini one but nothing to write home about.

Suddenly out of nowhere over the last couple of days she'll suddenly just have a paddy. I put her into the car last night asnd all the way home she was twisting round in the seat screaming no and going mad. I carried her in talking calmly but mainly ignoring it and she lay on the floor and screamed and screamed. DD1 tried to help by saying 'there there buba, milk, bottle, dummy, rabbit, don't cry' which I tried to get her to not do as she was making it worse but she was so lovley in trying to help her sister!

So - how long could this phase go on for and is the best thing to do not only ignore her but remove her from the room and place her somewhere like the front room and shut the door (bearing in mind that I'll have newborn to cope with in 3 weeks or so)?

How will I cope with tantrums, a 5 yr old with SN's and a newborn and get them all out of the house and to Lottie's school, on time, without breaking down in tears at my wits end?

I'm so tired right now, I don't think I'm going to cope, I'm scared/worried.

Anyone?

Okkkaayyy, obviously my pregnancy hormones are making me impatient.

I shall presume that this thread will get a smidgen of attention at some stage during the next 24 hours and I won't come back to it for ages to give you all time to respind in some way, so I don't feel alone and unloved. That's fine.

it is challenging even when its just you and them.,,..no one else to think about.

you do the right thing removing from the situation.
carry this on consistently.
incidentally, have you tried this technique with her yet and how did she react?

ps, you are not bieng ignored its just a bit quet on here this morning, im sure you will have loads of replies by tea time.xx

Hi Tomcat, please dont feel on yr own, I have 2 kids, ds 10yrs and dd 5.Ds is very challenging,always bickering with dd and undermining me, dd gets so fed up cries with exasperation and whole household in uproar.
I just try and remain calm and seperate them into different areas using distraction by giving the dd an errand to do then sanctioning the ds by taking the nintendo off him for hr and so on. I used to ignore ds when in a tantrum when young.I couldnt put him on naughty step when in the tantrum,would let him carry on!just used to sing loudly and block out the noise-bit of abba!find the tantrum noise stressed me out.When calm, offer naughty step or better behaviour?
Maybe seperate the DD1 from the area when DD2 having tantrum by distraction?
Any help?

Am just entering the joy of tantrums myself. I think the policy of ignore is a good one, lets face it there's nothing you can do when driving anyway so best to just not respond at all.

We have just introduced putting ds on the step if he is hitting out during his tantrum and this works really well for us (i'm still amazed he actually stays on it) He cries the whole time he's on it but when you go back to him and explain why and then have a cuddle it really does seem to take the edge off.

Sometimes with Ds it's a communication thing and he's getting frustrated because I don't know what he wants.

It's a wonderful time

What is SNs??

I ignore it and or put dd in her room until she has calmed down.

Its not easy to ignore it sometimes though, especialy if they hang on you, and or hit out at you, ie become too physical. Or if you are on the ohone or dealing with something else more important.

My dd2 (who is 4) had a tantrum in the town high street yesterday and screamed the whole length of the high street because i said she couldnt have a sausage roll! I hate the looks you get form passers by when its out in public. As if to say, you obviously have no control over your kids! Grrr! I know for a fact they all do it, dd1 is 6 and still as outbursts like this, have these passers by never seen a child having a tantrum before???

I dont think there is a magic cure, you just have to work your way through it as best you can

I've just got one - nearly two, and well into this stage. So I can't advise on handling three, but my second is due in a few months' time and I'm a bit nervous about handling both of them when he's mid-tantrum!

When it happens at home it's relatively OK - I tend to just let him know I'm sympathetic and can be found in the kitchen when he's feeling better; he always comes and finds me for a cuddle when he's calmed down.

It's harder in the street, of course, but I try to remember that he usually sorts himself out quite quickly; my intervention just seems to make things worse - until he actually requests a cuddle, that is!

Haychee, SN is special needs so thomcat has her hands more than usually full.

Try to ignore tantrums as much as possible but remember to give lots of attention when she is being good. Yes I know, easier said than done when you've DD1 and new baby on the horizon, but DD2 will probably grow out of it quicker if she gets attention by being good rather than bad.

Ahhhh, thanks for all the replies {smile] Hormones making me feel very impatient before!

Sorry - yeah SN's is special needs. My eldest has Down's syndrome. So she's 5 going on 2 herself and DD2 is 20 months so development wise, on many levels they are at about the same stage. Which is bloody hard when you are 8.5 months pregnant!

Anyway - so - you guys do remove them from area. So it's not a bad thing for me to place her gently in the lounge and focus on DD1 and DC3 when he/she arrives.

That would be great, if I can remove her and ignore her rather than ignore her when she's under our noses and pretend it's all ok. It feels very unfair on DD1 who desperately wants to comfort her sister bless her, but she makes it worse and is going to get a bop on the nose from DD2 if she's not careful.

I only have one ds (2.3) and know I would be rocking in a corner if I had to cope with your situation TC. DS can throw some pretty impressive tantrums, both at home and out and about. I try the following, with mixed results:

1. Be firm and explain (briefly) why something can't happen/must happen.

2. Ignore, ignore, ignore

3. Put him up in his room for 2-3 mins to calm down.

4. Lots of cuddles, praise when he is calm

Obv if we're out I can't do time out, so I just get on with whatever needs doing and try to ignore the stares/tutting etc. If it all gets too much - in car and home. I have found that talking to him about what 'good' behaviour means before we go anywhere helps sometimes.

Good luck!

Amazing what some sympathy and advice can do to a girl.
Will have to bnookmark this page for moments whrere I sit crying in the kitchen!

So difficult ignoring a tantrum if they are kicking a door or as haychee mentioned hanging off you.I used to try and remain really calm as if I was in another world and would actually imagine being in another world so the stress and noise wouldn't get to me! I would hum a favourite song in my head to cheer me up while the tantrum continued.If they came near me to hit out, I would steer hand away and say 'mummy will talk to you when you are quiet'.It still works for me and I wont get into conversations with them while in this mood although ds older and doesnt do the hitting out bit now just bickers!Once calm/over, I don't dwell on what's happened, just brief explanation/sorry and then move on.Naughty step good but cant remember naughty step for 20mths, my memory hazy?Havent done a thing at home today!been on m.net!need to get on!

Wow - sounds like you are coping fantastically. I only have one 17mth old dd but I am pretty sure she is going to throw wapping tantrunms (runs in the family..both sides). Just wanted to say that you sound like you will manage even with the new bundle. I think time out sounds like a good idea considering your circumstances. Best of luck to you and your crew.

Hi tomcat, your not alone!! Just have to wait until kids afternoon kip to respond!!. Tantrums are quite normal at 2. Usually because they can't get their own way, are testing boundries and get frustrated because often their understanding is better than their speech so they get frustrated easily. It will pass.

It sounds like you are doing the right things.
My dd is 20mths and has been having tantrums since she was 14mths! I remove her from the situation so she is on her own with no stimulation from others until the tantrum has subsided. I then ask her if she is going to play nicely, if she answers yes she comes in, if she answers no she stays in the hallway longer, until eventually the answer is yes. The tantrums are abating!!

TC - hi. Sassy here.
I have 2 dds aged 2.6 and nearly 5. They have both been mistresses of the tantrum in their different ways (and still are).

Kids being hungry and/or tired is a killer, I found.So if its possible to keep them from being too empty/tired this will help.

We remove Trumming kids if poss. Am currently trying to train dd2 that screaming will not get the result she wants, asking nicely may do. Sometimes this works.

the trick is to try and contain the Trum before they lose control. Distraction works sometimes-'Look over there! An ELEPHANT on ROLLERSKATES!! No, you missed him,keep looking' etc.Ignoring it can work too - if they have no audience, they can calm down more quickly. When dd2 has subsided into sob (rather than screams) I offer her a cuddle and she quickly settles - but NO cuddles while she is off on one.

HTH.