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Original poster

DD's 4 yo playdate made her drink her wee - not entirely sure how to deal with this

83 replies

arfishy · 30/08/2007 08:37

DD had a playdate today, both girls 4 years, nanny supervising.

I got home from work this afternoon and as soon as I walked in DD said that her playdate had made her drink her wee in the bath.

First of all I thought it was that her playdate had wee-ed in the bath and then made her drink bathwater with wee in it and it was maybe a giggly thing. After a bit of questioning however it turned out that this other girl had wee-ed in a cup and then made DD drink it. She then poured it over her.

I'm so horrified I don't even know where to begin. The other little girl immediately started to cry when asked if she'd done it and came to DD to apologise (when told).

So, I just don't know what to do really. I've had a little chat with DD about saying no when people ask/tell you to do something you don't want to. I have no idea how to approach the other mother and I'm just well, horrified that my DD has been made to do this/did it when told/is upset.

Please tell me what to do (the other mother is a bit scary, and we've only just resumed playdates after a break because this other girl made DD wee on the floor last time and also wee-ed in all of her parents/siblings beds so I thought it would be best to keep them apart for a while).

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NAB3 · 30/08/2007 14:22

Mine are 6, 4 and 2 and they are fully supervised. Just because they are so accident prone and with 3 in a bath it would be easy for one or more to slip and go under.

amidaiwish · 30/08/2007 14:42

mine are nearly 2 and 3 1/2
i don't supervise them 100% but am in and out and always upstairs, very close by, can hear them and if i can't i am in there like a shot....

i do feel guilty when i'm not in there with them, just in case, and when anyone else baths them they always stay with them 100%.

madamez · 30/08/2007 14:49

I'd emphasis discretion with this story for the sake of the wee-monster, who is after all only 4 and probably does not deserve to be known for the rest of her school life as Missy Pissy or some other such charming nickname (look, we know what kids can be like about anyone 'different'). But agree that your DD should be reassured and made aware that you stood up for her.

HectorsHouse · 30/08/2007 14:51

what would make a 4 year old think of doing this? what has happened to a little girl to make her do this kind of thing?

with the father being 'horrified' and the mother 'rude' I think it would make me a little concerned about the mother tbh - doesn't seem an appropriate reaction

SofiaAmes · 31/08/2007 09:31

Although I don't fully supervise my own two (4 and 6) in the bath, if my 4 year old had a friend over, I would supervise much more thoroughly because I had the responsiblity of someone else's child AND because two 4 year old can make quite a mess with a bath. I think it's odd that the nanny not only was gone for that long, but was far enough away that she couldn't hear what was going on. And if I understood correctly, you said that your nanny used to be this girl's nanny. Why did she leave? Is there some resentment there on the part of the girl, or her mother. How well do you know this nanny? Is it possible that she is stirring things up? I don't understand why the mother would be calling her to tell her that she doesn't want her daughter to play with your daughter. And is it possible that her daughter has given her a different version of the story that made your daughter look bad (eg..."I was in the bath with x and I needed a wee and she wouldn't let me get out and I had to wee in a cup and then she spilled it everywhere in the bath.) The problem with leaving 4 year olds unsupervised is that when something happens, it's hard to know exactly what the truth is.

mummydoit · 31/08/2007 10:34

Paolosgirl, what age do you consider to be old enough to be left unsupervised? By 'unsupervised', I think all of us here mean always within earshot, and only for a few minutes at a time. I feel comfortable doing that with my two (3 and 4) as they know they are not allowed to touch the taps and must sit down. If they were in the habit of standing up in the bath, pushing each other or touching the taps, I would not leave them for a second.

paolosgirl · 31/08/2007 10:42

By unsupervised, I mean not within earshot, which I think is fine - I sort of got the feeling that some posters meant that they sit beside their children when they're having a bath. I probably interpreted the posts incorrectly.

Original poster
arfishy · 01/09/2007 00:58

Thank you everybody for your feedback. Very sensible and completely to the point as usual.

And oooh Bronte Robinp. It is prime Yummy Mummy territory.

Now, my nanny has provided me with an update.

Apparently my daughter is "precious" because according to this mother she is an only child and is probably lying. And some other guff about her character because she's going to private school.

Except that she's one of three. And she doesn't go to school yet.

I am so upset at her being critical about DD (apparently she went on and on about it) that I burst into tears on the phone to a friend earlier .

I really think I need to write her a note.

OP posts:
SofiaAmes · 01/09/2007 01:44

Who is repeating these things to you. I think they are trying to stir it up. And if it's the nanny, why on earth would she be talking to this woman and why on earthy wouldn't she be correcting her misconceptions....all sounds a bit funny to me and I would get to the bottom of it before firing off an angry letter.

Original poster
arfishy · 01/09/2007 04:38

My nanny called me to tell me what the mum had said (basically that she doesn't think it's a big thing and then turned it round to me/my parenting/my education choices/my daughter etc).

I don't think she's stirring, I have a feeling she didn't tell me the half of it and she was really upset. She's said she's going to cut all ties with the family which is a shame as she's known and nannied for them for many years.

I know I should just drop it and never see/speak to them again.

But I want revenge

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Eve · 01/09/2007 04:58

sounds like she dismissing it very easily when talking to the nanny who she knows well and probably feels she can over rule.

Maybe she wouldn't be quite so flippant and dismissive when confronted by you or your husband.

denmoll · 01/09/2007 12:40

I'm not sure if this will stir up a hornets nest here - but - children generally copy things they have seen or reinact things that are 'normal' to them .............. just makes me wonder whats been going on at home here

startouchedtrinity · 01/09/2007 12:55

I agree, the wee thing sounds like a behaviour problem and reminds me of a family I know where the parents all but ignored their children's existence, although they weren't abused in any way, the little girl there had a thing about weeing to get attention. This little girl has a track record and children behave badly because they feel bad about themselves. In this case teh motehr sounds emotionally neglectful.

It sounds to me like the mother is getting in her retaliation and besmirching your dd befopre you get teh chance to tell people aboput her dd. FWIW if you do decide to talk about it I'd take the 'poor thing, sh eis so neglected she does this for attention and to make herself feel better' line, it is the parents who are to blame here. I would take this line with the mother too, if you decide to call her -'what are you doing to her to get her to behave like this?' or get dp to do it, dh and I share the arguments with friends and other parents.

I can also recommend a fab book called Feeling Safe Feeling Happy by Michelle Eliot of Kidscape. The last I looked it was out of print but I got a copy via an Amazon Marketplace trader. It covers all situations where children need to say no and is ideal for about 3 or 4 up - my dd1 is five and now reads it to herself. HTH

startouchedtrinity · 01/09/2007 12:56

That shoudlread 'the mother sounds emotionally neglectful', obviously.

boo64 · 01/09/2007 22:00

Gosh I am speechless that a little girl could do this. I just cannot believe such a small child could be so mean. Or maybe I am being naive.

Heck put your little girl first here and try and put it behind you so she learns from it but it doesn't become a really really big deal.

The mother is being unspeakably awful/ weird/ thoughtless.

No wonder the little girl has issues.

There's no way I'd let her near any child of mine after this.

I do hope you get dp to talk to this woman as I think it will be for the best to get your views across to her again.

Original poster
arfishy · 01/09/2007 22:49

Trinity - thank you for the book suggestion. I'll go and have a look on Amazon, that's really helpful.

I'm glad I'm not over-reacting (although I'm brooding on it a bit - her criticism of DD and complete denial of her DD's problem or her responsibility is making me so ).

The other girl left her shoes and socks here and so I'm suppressing the urge to send them back with a note carefully crafted with iciness and subtle barbs.

I don't think we should phone - she won't listen and will just rant - the last time I met her she had me collared for about an hour while she went on and on and on about how I should send DD to her girls' school and I couldn't get a word in edgeways. I don't see why I should have to defend my choices to a woman I barely know.

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Original poster
arfishy · 01/09/2007 22:54

The thing is Trinity - our paths don't cross. I will never know another one of her mum friends or bump into her at the school gate. And thank God.

She is being defensive but I'm not letting her criticise my child to try and make her feel better .

I agree with you about the emotional neglect. It is attention-seeking. Apparently the older daughter has a very weird thing with feet where she makes them really sweaty and gross and then asks people to lick them.

OP posts:
VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/09/2007 23:02

Make sure you wee on the shoes and socks before you send them back

What a shockingly ignorant woman!

cornsilk · 01/09/2007 23:03

arfishy -I've been following this thread and just want to congratulate you on your calmness and dignity! This woman and her chn sound like wierdness personified.

cornsilk · 01/09/2007 23:05

VVV -that's a good idea! Arfishy - you could send her a poo in the post courtesy of mums net. You just need to find a volunteer to perform the deed!

gess · 01/09/2007 23:12

I agree with sofiaames and fio. I really wouldn't go repeating this at the school gates. The incident wasn't observed, the children may have 2 different stories, the child may have undiagnosed SN (you said destructive- ADHD springs to mind as a possibility and 3 is too young to diagnose), the mother may well be in denial, that's not unusual. It sounds as if they're not going to be mixing anymore anyway, so just forget it.

gess · 01/09/2007 23:13

Weeing all over the place is not always attention seeking. I'd be wary about too much armchair analysis of a 3 year old tbh, especially as you're obviously not going t be seeing each other again.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/09/2007 23:15

OH absolutely gess. THe mother handled it badly though.

Am PMSL at "poo in the post"

gess · 01/09/2007 23:16

yes, but suspect she was embarrased, or maybe the dd does have real problems and she can't face them yet. That's entirely normal and understandable. As the friendship is over really I'd just drop it.

startouchedtrinity · 01/09/2007 23:33

You are right of course, gess, it is just that this whole situation reminds me of the family I know - the dcs had a hellish childhood and are now adults who still behave in very difficult ways. But, this situation might be different.