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Original poster

DD's 4 yo playdate made her drink her wee - not entirely sure how to deal with this

83 replies

arfishy · 30/08/2007 08:37

DD had a playdate today, both girls 4 years, nanny supervising.

I got home from work this afternoon and as soon as I walked in DD said that her playdate had made her drink her wee in the bath.

First of all I thought it was that her playdate had wee-ed in the bath and then made her drink bathwater with wee in it and it was maybe a giggly thing. After a bit of questioning however it turned out that this other girl had wee-ed in a cup and then made DD drink it. She then poured it over her.

I'm so horrified I don't even know where to begin. The other little girl immediately started to cry when asked if she'd done it and came to DD to apologise (when told).

So, I just don't know what to do really. I've had a little chat with DD about saying no when people ask/tell you to do something you don't want to. I have no idea how to approach the other mother and I'm just well, horrified that my DD has been made to do this/did it when told/is upset.

Please tell me what to do (the other mother is a bit scary, and we've only just resumed playdates after a break because this other girl made DD wee on the floor last time and also wee-ed in all of her parents/siblings beds so I thought it would be best to keep them apart for a while).

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Mumpbump · 30/08/2007 11:38

I would let your dp call the mum and get it off his chest. What an appalling reaction from her!! Staggering, in fact. If your dd is dwelling on it, I still think it's important that she sees you standing up for her...

I wonder what the worse things are??

Mumpbump · 30/08/2007 11:39

BTW, the ds of one of the girls from my antenatal class bit my ds at nursery twice and both times the parents were (understandably) incredibly apologetic. The mother felt so bad about it, that she said she couldn't bring herself to call us, but got her dh to instead. The mother's reaction in this case is really quite wierd to my mind!!

PrincessGoodLife · 30/08/2007 11:42

I would just ignore the playdate's mother. This is clearly just her coping mechanism - to ignore and brush people off because she just doesn't know how to interact normally with anyone. It's her problem not yours... as is the freaky child The good thing is that the child's father responded properly and you know now that they are aware of it.

Help your DD deal with what happened and leave the other family to sort their own problems themselves. You -and your nanny- have done all the right things imo. And although it is a horrible thing to happen they are after all little four year olds who are 'exploring their world'. Your DD now knows as a result of this that it is not ok to pee on someone and that she really doesn't have to do what someone else says. Two very important life lessons?

Original poster
arfishy · 30/08/2007 11:42

My nanny has just called me to say that apparently the mother doesn't want her daughter near mine any more.

Now, I could take this the right way - in that she doesn't trust her daughter around mine. Or I could take it the wrong way and think that somehow she's blaming my DD for this.

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Original poster
arfishy · 30/08/2007 11:44

PrincessGoodLife - thank you. You've stopped me hyperventilating in rage and have thought of the positives from this. DP is trying to wrestle the mother's phone number from me. I'll just distract him with a beer I think

OP posts:
ProjectIcarusinhercar · 30/08/2007 11:44

The mother is a nut. Can't take her dd being in the wrong, so has to blame yours.

Run like the wind from the mad ones, RUN!

PrincessGoodLife · 30/08/2007 11:46

agree with Project - ignore! and good riddance!

those are more weird mother coping mechanisms I think!

pity about the little girl - she'll probably grow up just the same as her mother.

lalaa · 30/08/2007 11:53

TBH, I think that reaction is the mum's coping mechanism and if it were my dd I'd just be grateful that the outcome (that the two girls don't play together any more) is what you wanted. I wonder whether the mum is actually really worried subconconsciously about her daughter's behaviour but doesn't know what to do about it, and is therefore very defensive.

The mother sounds like a total nightmare and I wouldn't want my dd to play with hers even if this hadn't happened.

admylin · 30/08/2007 11:59

I would not encourage your dd to play with her anymore or atleast no more playdates and reinforce that wee belongs down the toilet and no wheer alse!
My dd (when she was 4) used to have a friend who did wees everywhere outside in the strangest positions too. If they were in the garden she would not come in to go to the loo but go to the bushes and try it laying down, later standing etc. Dd used to watch and only told me about it after 3 playdates. Very strange hobby, I didn't do playdates after that but they still played at Kindergarden and that girl would do the same thing in the playground in the bushes, stripped off from waist down, spead legs wide open and wee or lay on her tummy and wee on the slope of grass, then go back to playing.

admylin · 30/08/2007 12:01

By the way I didn't bother telling the mum but if she'd been drinking it or making dd drink it I would have said something straight away.

Anchovy · 30/08/2007 12:01

Princess Goodlife's post of 11.42 is spot on I think.

I would possibly rescind my advice about not broadcasting it, given the mother's reaction!

Your concern should be with your daughter. TBH I wouldn't make a big deal of it with her (although my DCs would be thrilled if this had happened to them and would tell everyone). If this had happened with 7/8 year olds or older I would be absolutely furious/aghast, but I don't feel the same way with 4 year olds - I think it is "naughty", but I don't think it quite goes in to the hostile/bullying/degrading territory that it would with older children.

I think it absolutely is a great - and not too painful - way of emphasising the "you do not have to do everything people tell you to do if you do not want to" message which you sound like you have done very well.

I would have a large glass of wine (red, not white, in the circumstances) and put it behind you.

PrincessGoodLife · 30/08/2007 12:03

just another thought I just had (as I was putting my 4 yr old in the bath) - that the little girl waited until the nanny was out of the room to suggest the pee experiment, which suggests that she knows it is wrong. Worth bearing in mind maybe?

legalalien · 30/08/2007 12:04

I would say (and this may be covered somewhere below as haven't read all the threads), I think it's important that you make it clear to DD that she did the right thing to tell you, and that you've told the other girl's mother, and that it won't be happening again - and also that the lack of future contact is not any kind of indication that she did the wrong thing by telling you.

PrincessGoodLife · 30/08/2007 12:05

LOL anchovy at the white wine

mm22bys · 30/08/2007 12:10

Haven't read all the responses, but my first thought was - why weren't they supervised?

If the nanny is going to be looking after them, and if the nanny is not going to do her job properly, then I would call off all contact ASAP.

Mumpbump · 30/08/2007 12:25

That's what I mean - the other little girl cried when she was "found out" and apologised. She must have known that it was wrong and that is not good. So I don't think describing her behavriour as bullying is entirely inappropriate...

But the others have made a very good point about it being an opportunity to teach your dd that it is not always a good idea to do what other people tell you to!

Good luck!

fawkeoff · 30/08/2007 12:31

i think the mother is totally ridiculous, how would she have reacted if the roles where reversed.she obviously needs some parenting lessons if she thinks that this is normal behaviour!!!!!i agree that you should no longer let your child play with hers, i am more concerned about the mothers attitude than the little girls, at least the little un apologised

FioFio · 30/08/2007 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Guadalupe · 30/08/2007 13:20

Blimey - I can't believe she said SHE wasn't going to let her daughter play with yours anymore

You should probably put it behind you like others have said, but, well, I wouldn't be able to let her have the last word like that. It would drive me mad. Hope you have more resolve than me.

The most important thing of course is your DD and that she feels like you're there for her and that she could tell you about it.

NAB3 · 30/08/2007 13:23

I think the nanny must have been gone a while to have the time for this to happen and she should not have left 2 children unsupervised in the bath.

As to the weeing, tell the mother. This child obviously has a problem and you need to work on your DDs confidence so she can say no when she feels the need too.

Anchovy · 30/08/2007 13:30

I do agree with Fio actually - if I had heard that about my DC I'm not sure that I would be falling over myself to phone up someone I hardly knew to say "sorry my DD made your DD drink some weewee". Doesn't mean to say I wouldn't deal with it.

I'm still surprised about the number of people who sit and watch 4 year olds like hawks when they are in the bath!

robinpud · 30/08/2007 13:36

Poor dd Arfy- what an unpleasant thing to have happened.
If it makes any difference my two could have drunk magnums of wee during the many times they were left unsupervised in the bath. I don't think the lack of superivsion is an issue.
Whilst I have a slight grudging respect for a 4 year old whose aim is sufficiently good to accurately pee in a cup, I certainly wouldn't encourage the friendship. Perhaps she is copying something she has seen at home(peeing not drinking obviously)and didn't really understand it. But your dd is scared of her and that's not right. Her mother sounds downright peculiar as others have already said.
Your dd is lovely and will make plenty of friends in the future, especially as school is looming isn't it.
I think your Nanny has handled it well- drink your wine; admire your beautiful sleeping daughter and start a new day tomorrow.

btw Had a lovely lunch at Bronte today- land of the yummy mummies!

Pennies · 30/08/2007 13:54

The mum sounds hideous - am with Guadalupe in that I wouldn't be able to let hr have the last word. I think my tactic now would be to have a total lack of discretion at the school gates.

Guadalupe · 30/08/2007 14:13

I think it's very important not to let it involve the children further though. If there's any risk of that I'd leave it.

paolosgirl · 30/08/2007 14:21

at the mother's reaction, and second the suggestion of making sure it becomes a subject of much discussion round your way!

I'm surprised at the number of people on here who are querying why 2 four year olds weren't being watched in the bath, though. At what age do you propose that they don't need supervision?