Don't think time out is working anymore. How do you discipline your children?

[Pinkchampagne]

I have been using time out, but it no longer seems to be having much effect, especially with DS1 (nearly 8), who will refuse to go to the step/corner/his room & is probably getting a bit too old for this.
He also throws huge tantrums if I manage to get him in his room, where he thumps at the door etc & screams at me.
The time out seems to make the behaviour worse, but what is the alternative?

I have been trying the praising the positive etc, and I know you are meant to try to ignore the bad, but there is some bad behaviour (like scratching & marking his brother) that I cannot just ignore.

I have been on my own with them for the last 3 months, and am finding it quite hard to deal with the behaviour problems I have been having with the boys.

Pink - have you thought about adding a punishment for trashing rooms. ie go to your room for 5 minutes and if you trash it you wont go on your ps2 or computer or whatever, that worked for me.

As i said i dont use time out as a punishment, its time to calm down, if they are fighting or time to reflect on their behaviour if they are being unreasonable. If they then go to their room and behaviour even worst, i then tell them no ps2 today (which is a punishment)

I had been making them stay in their rooms until the rooms were tidy again. I was hoping that this way they may think twice about doing it again, because they hate tidying up!

This might be going a little far, I don't know, but what about getting yourself a sofa bed for the living room? Then ds1 and ds2 can have their seperate bedtimes and not disturb eachother.

My mum and dad did this for a while (bless them) when my brother and I really wanted space of our own and a room of our own, when we only had two bedrooms.

Its hard when you are on your own and i really feel for you. I was on my own with a then 5 and 3 year old (now 13 and 11). Dad is usually the 'hard' one and mum the 'soft' one, so you have to stronger than usual.

Along with lots of cuddles and praise, you also have to set clear expectations and punishments.

I also now have a 3 year old, who i sit on the step for 3 minutes for things like hitting etc. If he gets off (which he has done once) i put him in his room and held the door(which was heartbreaking), I then told him, you had to come to your room because you wouldnt sit on the step. He now does his time on the step!!

I know it sounds horrible, but they have to learn that you mean what you say or else you are fighting a losing battle. Sometimes you have to cruel to be kind.

ps you dont seem to hand out any punishments, going to your room is time to calm down and tidying up any mess you just made isnt a punishment. What punishments do you use?

I have stopped them going places that we planned to, when they continue to behave badly after warnings, and I was using time out.
I tried the behaviour charts, but they didn't work after a while because they got treats with their dad & my mum regardless, so they weren't bothered if they didn't have enough smiley faces.

I try to get them out as often as I can and this week we have done a lot, (castle, beach, soft play, frends houses..) and I must say that they have been better for it. Last week the weather was so awful that we were quite house bound, and they do play up more when they are in a lot.

He doesn't go to any clubs because he doesn't mix well (DS1), and won't join in (he is being assessed for possible ASD), otherwise I would get him into omething like that.

Say for example the consequence of my 3 year old getting off the step, was he then had to do time out in his room.

If you tell yours to sit on the step and they get off, what do you do?

my point being there have to be immediate consequences for refusing to do as you ask.

For example if they refuse to take time out, if you dont go to your room, sit on the step, you wont be able to play on your ps2 today or tommorrow.

In my house i have zero tolerance for hitting each other, hit and you get a punishment ie no computer or whatever.

Bed time if you dont stop messing around, you will go to bed an hour earlier tommorrow.

If they won't sit on the step, I have been taking them up to their room for time out, but this is when we would get the huge tantrums.
I have also done the earlier bedtime the following night thing as a result of them not settling when asked.

Pinkchampagne - do you think that your ds1 was angry at being sat up at his dad's mates house while his dad got drunk ? Do you think he was scared by it ?

I may be way off the mark here and I don't wish to offend you, but he may well be lashing out at home, where he is comfortable, and might not be upset with you at all.

Might also be why he shouts that he hates you, but doesn't know why he does it ?

Would you consider family counselling ?

Don't know if DS would have been upset by being round ex H's friends house while he was drinking, as he plays with their children, and ex H isn't that different when drunk other than being slightly more of an idiot!

I think he may be feeling mixed up with the whole separation business though, and I have worried about him possibly being a little depressed.
I would be prepared to go to family counselling, or even just looking into some kind of counselling for DS.

Hi,
I saw one of your previous posts and see there is still a lot of tension.
I really don't have any other strategy to offer appart from the usual time out and witholding favorite toy.

Having read this and previous threads I really think family counselling would help here. Your DS1 seems very slightly dpressed (not wanting to go anywhere/do anything, being angry AND admitting he doesn't know why angry are good clues).
There is something bottled up there. You know it's got to do with the separation but you (and his dad) are the last people he would open up to as you are the cause of these angry feelings. He's angry with you and also he feels sorry for you. He doesn't know how to handle the pain ( his AND yours). He doesn't know how to make it up to you, he's trying to trigger some reaction (be it anger) in you.

You need an intercessor. I mentioned Steve Biddulph's book before on raising boys. They need an alpha male figure to talk to and vent out their feelings. ( grandad/uncle/older cousin/sports coach.....). Because at the moment you seem to be the only outlet.

Good luck.

Thank you for your advice. I think you could be right, and counselling of some sort may help DS. My HV mentioned the possibility of getting him to see a child counsellor when we first moved into this house, so I will have to see what I can find out.

They have been hard work today, but I think they had another late night with their dad last night.
I asked him not to keep them up too late last night because DS1 is back at school tomorrow, but his answer was "It doesn't mean they can't enjoy themselves on the Saturday"

He went round to see his friend again last night, and when he does this he tends to go round there from 3.30pm until around 10.30pm, which I don't think is ideal for the boys.

Good morning.
DS (3) first day at school today! Have not been able to sleep......butterflies in my stomach.

I come from a large family of boys (brothers and cousins). Men relate to kids differently. I've seen quite a few dislocated couples and men tend to do this thing of hanging out with the boys to avoid one to one time with little ones.
They think boys need to "bond" and do "manly" things such as drinking beer and watching sports on Tv.
It might be OK for teenagers but not little ones.

Thing is: he probably just does not know what to do with them. On his own with them, he would have to face them and they would probably start acting up with him too. He's probably not doing the best thing at the moment, but maybe he's doing the best he can to cope with their resentment?

However, you don't want to get into that argument with him. You are not together anymore. You do your thing with the boys/he does his.
I know it's really hard.
Take care.