I really do love my daughter, so why don't I like her?

[IReallyDoLoveHer]

I would die for my dd. But I always feel like I want to be apart from her.

She is 5 and is very hard work. She answers back regardless of what it is I am asking/telling her to do.

She seems angry and aggressive all the time. It's as if she knows I don't really like her Believe me, I want to slap myself for feeling like this, and no-one can hate me more than I do myself right now.

I can try and give you a few examples but they will just sound stupid. She will come into my room in the morning and lay there looking at me, breathing in my face, whispering "mum mum mum mum" this drives me mental.. I have tried telling her time and again to stay in her own room. She is almost 6 and at school, so I see no reason why she shouldn't learn to entertain herself for 15/20 minutes until I am up.

Also when I am trying to do other stuff, eg: I was loading the washing machine yesterday morning and she was sat at the breakfast table saying "I'm starving.. are you ever going to get my breakfast out?" It's her attitude. It kills me.

This morning she asked me to tie her lace, so I bent over to tie it and she looked at me and said "You're a weirdo". For nothing. I don't even know where she hears it at.

I know I seem petty, and I would hate anything to happen to her, I love her, but I don't like her. She's not a nice child. She had a tantrum the other day and I told her she was making it very difficult for me to be nice to her, she said fine and packed a small suitcase on wheels and walked out of the house She seems very young to know to threaten to leave home.

Dh and I are in a very close and loving relationship, she sees nothing volatile at home.

When she is whining at me I usually say "I'm not discussing this now"

I know it is the result of my parenting that is making her do this That's the worst feeling in the world. I have made her like this.

She also told my sister that I don't laugh and joke with her. Thing is, I can't. Everytime I let myself loose with her, laugh, joke, have a fun time, she throws it in my face again. Has a tantrum and always wants to go one step further than we have went. I do my best with her, I try my best with her... but my best isn't good enough.

At the minute I am doing my job, keeping her safe from harm, bathing her, dressing her... but I can't let myself love her properly as she holds back from me.

I don't know what advice I am after, I know you'll all hate me for saying I don't like her, but I want to. I really, really want to like her. She is a funny little thing, she has lots of friends, I'm just not one of them.

Although I do have to say that she told her grandma and dh on 2 seperate occassions that she loved them, but not as much as she loves me.

I also have a younger child who is 3 and don't feel like this towards her. I'm not depressed. Please, help me like my little girl again??

I have name changed as I have 2 friends from RL on here. Thanks.

for you. Believe me, you do like your daughter. It is her behaviour you don't like. I feel like this about my older two at times and wonder where they hear the things they come out with. School is a definite culprite which makes me think all kids go through this, or other parents aren't treying as hard with their kids!! I think it is the former. When my eldest was playing up, my HV said I had a very secure little boy, as he was able to be like that but know I still loved him. At the time I felt good but just lately I wonder if that is true. If she is whining just repaet calmly that you can't hear her when she talks like that. I tried this with mine and they soon learn. Whining is learnt behaviour. I don't know what else to say but know you are not alone and things will get better.

Thanks Nab.

You're right, it's her behaviour I don't like. But how can I change it? It's my fault she behaves like that and now she's going to be setting a bad example to the little one

No-one told me motherhood would be so hard.

It's only in the past year and half I have had any trouble with her. And about the last 6 months I have felt muself slowly detaching from her.

I agree about the behaviour being the problem, it is difficult to enjoy the time around a child who is misbehaving all the time.

Unfortunately, it is difficult to find help as most HV, doctors, relatives, whatever are likely to minimise the situation by blaming it on being a phase. I have found a lot of tips in books or TV programs, other than that is difficult, people don't want to get involved if they risk invading your territory as a mum.

THere is a book called "How to talk so children will listen and listen so they will talk" or something of the sort. I find the strategies in it helpful.

HTH

She sounds like a true girly drama queen!!! I fear I may be asking YOUR advice in 3 years time as my dd is well on her way there now and she is 2 1/2!!

I am afraid I have said to ds before "I love you, but right now I don't like you" you are not a bad mother for feeling this way. Your dd know she can push you further because your love is completely unconditional.

However this means she also knows EXACTLY which buttons to press in order to wind you up. So try not to rise to them. If she whines at you, walk away saying "I can only hear little girls when they speak nicely" and as soon as she does speak nicely give her your full attention. Your examples of her behaviour always seem to be attention seeking (ie when you are busy doing something else.... yes getting that last 5 minutes in bed is being busy!!) so sit her down and pick some time together to do something exclusively; 20 minutes pamering time when your youngest has gone to bed, watching a favourite tv show together snuggled up on the sofa, a trip to the library. She has to earn this time by being nice, though!

I dont hate you for feeling the way you do! I think you are a very loving mother who is brave enough to admit this could be an issue

Good luck!

There is also the Super Nanny book, most things in it are for toddlers but it's worth is weight in gold if you manage to do the naughty step technique (I have noticed it only works if you follow every step of it to the letter, otherwise the child get more winded up)

It is not your fault! Children aren't born blank books; they come with a blue-print personality. You can guide it, you can to some extent mould it, but you can't hold yourself responsible.

No one has that power, not even a parent. So, adopt a strategy and stick to it. Tell her you love her all the time. Say it out loud. Try to relax around her, and make yourself play even when you don't feel like it.

When she's rude, aggressive or spiteful, tell her, and then walk away. There's nothing unusual in how you feel. You've just been good and brave enough to say it.

I really feel for you. Being a parent can be the toughest job in the world, and your own children know just how to press your buttons!
I have worked with children for 15 years, am used to challanging behaviour, but I am having terrible trouble with my own, especially my eldest.

We all blame ourselves when the children behave badly, but whatever you do, there are times when your children will test your patience - it happens to me all the time!

My mum used to often tell me & my sister that she loved us, but she didn't like us!

Do you have much support?

Mine can be little so and so's and I take full responsibility for it but I also think that some of this is inherent and it is how we deal with it that is important. I received Siblings without Rivaliry from a kind MNetter and have started reading it. I am hoping it will have some ideas to help me with the 2 of them, which will follow through with their individual behaviours. My youngest is 2 and he has started with attitude but we are coping with him fine.
Motherhood is the hardest job ever.
I used to nannyh for an adorable little boy and a few times I had cause to tell him I loved him, but I didn't like what he was doing/saying. (Mental note to self to say that to mine) and it did help.

Thanks everyone.

PC, I kind of have support. Dh is great and backs me up when dd is having a go. She seems to keep the vitarol for me though. I have heard dh tell her to stop being nasty to mum and say sorry etc... but tbh the sorry means nothing to me anymore as it happens right away again.

My mum says she's spoiled but doesn't listen when I try to tell her she isn't. She doesn't get gifts at all, neither of my kids do. My sister says she behaves oerfectly any time she minds her for me. Her school says she is great, everyone loves her. She has no moods or cheek anywhere except here and in my presence.

Mine are angels with everyone, except me.

I think you need to spend some time together with just the 2 of you, doing something you both enjoy! When she does something that annoys you, try saying "when you do x, it makes me feel like y and then I want to behave like xxx, please don't do x /please can you do this instead"

Get her to use the same language back to you when she doesn't like what you say or do - I think this makes communication clearer and more honest.

I think it is not particularly unusual not to like your child sometimes. I also think it happens more when you have similar personalities eg both are hot tempered or both stubborn etc

Idream, yes! Dh says we are too similar.

Also each time my mum sees her she says she reminds her of me as a child, apart from the cheekiness

I will try your advice on talking to her like that.

Thanks for not slating me everyone, I was feeling awful.

its so sad when we feel like this but it is also very normal and you musn't punish yourself. My dd is a nightmare more time than she is not and pretty much has been all the way, she is 4 in november and a little devil shecan be really cheeky, demanding,defiant and aggressive and like you I dont where it come from ........its really hard work liking her sometimes because I am so frustrated by her behaviour and the more I tell her off the worst she gets

Make sure she is getting to bed early too - my dd can be dreadfully behaved if she is over-tired, and in this situation no method of improving her behaviour is that successful!!!

thats def true, my daughter seems to go a bit crazy at night time, she needs to go to bed early as poss,

She sounds like a completely normal 5 year old tbh. I think you need to be more realistic about how she can and will behave. DS2 changed enormously (attitude wise) when he started school. If you can see her behaviour as normal 5 year old behaviour then it might be easier not to be so upset by it iyswim.

you know the waking you up thing and when things are going nicely then it suddenly goes too far and turns sour - i really relate to that - i really find being ready for it helps -go to bed early tell yourself this is going to happen today so how am i going to turn it around? my son has aspergers, but a lot of what he does is normal 5 yrold stuff and i find him hugely irritating - particularly being told to go away repeatedly - my dh does the 'be nice to mummy' too!i think it helps to discuss it with your dh -mine agreed to step in with some of the routine bits that i couldn't handle.
i honestly think it will change for you because children change so much. i really agree about the 1 on 1 time - i have to force myself to stop thinking 'it will all go crap' and take my ds1 out for a quick trip out - and sometimes it's fine - and fine is brilliant in my book. let your dd take the lead - my ds1 can spot fake jollity a mile off - but if he comes and finds me and i take his lead it goes better.
good luck

Hi There,

I specialise in working with children around this age. I have helped many of my friends children displaying this sort of behaviour.

I am not a social worker or anything like that. I have studied the psycology of children from ages 1-15.

I would be happy to help you work through this time with your child, if you are local. It sounds like a very demoralising situation that you are in.

Up to you of course, but always happy to help and offer any advice.

Regards

Clare

Thanks everyone. She is in bed early. She goes to bed no later than 7.30 even now in the summer holidays.

I go to bed around 10.30pm so I am well rested. She will be up at about 7am even on the weekend, this I don't mind as the little one is up too, but it's the talking in my face that gets on my tits!

Clare, what do you mean by local?

And yes, it is demoralising, but I am thinking of buying that book "how to talk so kids will listen" etc..

Have you any suggestions Clare? I would me happy to hear them and more than willing to give it a go. If you could post the ideas here, then others in the same position may be able to get help from them too? Many Thanks.

i'd be very interested in the how to handle the invasion of personal space without being really cruel!

Don't know if this will help, but I'm reading a great book at the moment called "The incredible years - a troubleshooting guide for parents of children aged 3 to 8" by Carolyn Webster-Straton. (The author has devised an extremely well respected program for supporting parents that is often offered by clinical psychologists.) The book very clearly explains the techniques that parents can use. It also has a big section on helping parents to manage their own feelings of anger and / or depression and encouraging them to look at situations more positively. It costs £12. Well worth it!

Thanks Neolara.

I go to a library that is in the local uni and have become friends with some of the psychology lecturers. Would it be cheeky of me to discuss dd's behaviour with them? IMO it's a bit like asking for a freebie

I will look at that book on amazon Neolara

Just found a book on Amazon called "raising girls", anyone ever read it?