I really do love my daughter, so why don't I like her?

[IReallyDoLoveHer]

I would die for my dd. But I always feel like I want to be apart from her.

She is 5 and is very hard work. She answers back regardless of what it is I am asking/telling her to do.

She seems angry and aggressive all the time. It's as if she knows I don't really like her Believe me, I want to slap myself for feeling like this, and no-one can hate me more than I do myself right now.

I can try and give you a few examples but they will just sound stupid. She will come into my room in the morning and lay there looking at me, breathing in my face, whispering "mum mum mum mum" this drives me mental.. I have tried telling her time and again to stay in her own room. She is almost 6 and at school, so I see no reason why she shouldn't learn to entertain herself for 15/20 minutes until I am up.

Also when I am trying to do other stuff, eg: I was loading the washing machine yesterday morning and she was sat at the breakfast table saying "I'm starving.. are you ever going to get my breakfast out?" It's her attitude. It kills me.

This morning she asked me to tie her lace, so I bent over to tie it and she looked at me and said "You're a weirdo". For nothing. I don't even know where she hears it at.

I know I seem petty, and I would hate anything to happen to her, I love her, but I don't like her. She's not a nice child. She had a tantrum the other day and I told her she was making it very difficult for me to be nice to her, she said fine and packed a small suitcase on wheels and walked out of the house She seems very young to know to threaten to leave home.

Dh and I are in a very close and loving relationship, she sees nothing volatile at home.

When she is whining at me I usually say "I'm not discussing this now"

I know it is the result of my parenting that is making her do this That's the worst feeling in the world. I have made her like this.

She also told my sister that I don't laugh and joke with her. Thing is, I can't. Everytime I let myself loose with her, laugh, joke, have a fun time, she throws it in my face again. Has a tantrum and always wants to go one step further than we have went. I do my best with her, I try my best with her... but my best isn't good enough.

At the minute I am doing my job, keeping her safe from harm, bathing her, dressing her... but I can't let myself love her properly as she holds back from me.

I don't know what advice I am after, I know you'll all hate me for saying I don't like her, but I want to. I really, really want to like her. She is a funny little thing, she has lots of friends, I'm just not one of them.

Although I do have to say that she told her grandma and dh on 2 seperate occassions that she loved them, but not as much as she loves me.

I also have a younger child who is 3 and don't feel like this towards her. I'm not depressed. Please, help me like my little girl again??

Hi,

I meant local as in, I would like to see her behaviour.

I dont charge or anything like that.

I will give you an example:

One of my friends has a 4 year old boy. She asked me to help her with him as he wouldnt listen, became agressive whenever she tried to talk to him and would generally be rude and say No all the time.

I went over to her house and just observed some of his behavoiur.

The answers to remedie this were clear straight away.

He sat in front of the TV and watch his fav program. Mum called him to come over....he didnt listen. She called several times then got mad and went up to him in front of the TV and said are you listening to me come over here.

His response was to have an imitation cry and a swaying of hands to get out the way.

Sure fire sign of no respect nor a understanding of mums feelings, wants or needs.

She gave up and sat back down.

I then called him over he didnt listen to me either. So the first thing you do is distract yourself with sometihng else they like or maybe interested in.

This is a very small step but what this teaches them is your in control not them...but secretly (if you know what I mean)

I got one of his books and started reading it out loud, really getting myself in to the book......after all its my book now and I am haing fun reading it!.

It took all of 2 mins to realise that his TV program was being interupted by a different noise....not just mum shouting etc.

He was intriguied. Now this was a cruicial point. He began to get out of his chair to come over, so I stopped reading and picked up the book and walked in to another room and continued reading. This of course made him determined to find out what I was up to.

I was in control NOT him. He folled me and asked what I was doing. I said I was reading a really nice book and would he like to join in. He then snatched control back and said NO. This made me laugh as its very predictable after a while. lol

I just said OK, I then opened the book and started to have so much more fun reading it then before.

Teh story goes on to the point where I had him sitting next to me chatting away, asking me questions...and doing what I aske dhim to do.

All it is, is the secret control rule.

The mum wanted him to listen to her and not ignore her....she learnt quickly that he's only hearing what is normal....the voice and the sounds need to change in order for him to react.

When my daughter was 3 she was a nightmare in the supermarket....I couldn have spent hours shouting for her not to touch not to get out of her chair...etc etc.

Instead I made the whole shopping trip a search for a big bird... I kept telling her that...there was this really big bird flying around the isles and I needed her to help me spot it. Ohh this worked a treat...not only was I in control but she was excited, playful and engaging. She really wanted to help ME find the bird....she then would spot it and I wouldnt....an example of sharing the control. Sounds daft but it was great at the time and my shopping got done in half the time. lol

There are so many tiny little techniques that can be used from making very shrap noises to using miming.

lol it all works!

I wrote this post on another thread thought I would put it here as well.

The thing is with children between the ages of 6 -10 are they are still learning, infact this is a very energetic time for them.
Not only are they walking talking, touching feeling etc etc they are now thinking and feeling emotions etc etc. However there is one point they haven't mastered yet and that is putting it all together for it to come out logically.

Now as adults we have encountered so many situations in our life that we can compare upon and thus we chose not to lie or chose a different path because of what we know. Young children do not yet have this history book of information.

You have to children as a spiders web for instance. Everything they do is connected together but one little mistake and the very fragile web will break. Unlike us adults, most of our web's now are made out of iron....as they have to be to survive. (if you know what I mean)

What I am trying to say is, when your child lies or displays behaviour that is not correct the best way to deal with it initially is to -

1, Ackknowledge what they are doing is not very nice.
2, Use a situation that they will understand to compare. (there is no point in saying what if you broke a window etc etc or anything else adult like) Use things they understand like .."What if your playstation game fell from the top shelf and scratched and you couldn't use it again...hwo would that make you feel?" or .."Do you have 3 friends at school..(reply) Yes, Ok have your friends ever not told you something, or did something to you that you didnt like? There answer will be Yes. Use this to help them understand. Ask them how they felt when this happened or how they think they would feel if something did happen.
3. ASK them, (I emphasize on ask as it is important)to tell you how they can stop it happening again for instance.
4. At this age right up until they get to about 18 they have a great need to continually be in control....no matter what...it does fade as they get older. Your role is to always be in control but secretly. By ASKING them how we or he/she can stop this happening again puts them in control....giving them the feeling that you are listening to what THEY are saying, giving them the feeling of control. But really you are strides ahead.
5.Last thing is to make sure that what you have discussed has been listened to. As parents we often shout, hail and hollar, punish and tell of constantly. Now if someone spoke to you like that would you REALLY care to listen??? No would be your answer. So buy having a calm conversation about how things can be resolved and then asking them to repeat what you have talked about is a great way to respect you and listen all at the same time.

It amy be worthwhile adding a little bit of fun or humour with these conversations so that your children will enjoy them rather then hate them. You will probably find that they will change.

Important things to think about to continue this is to make sure you always ask them how certain things made them feel...like if they tell you about there day at school and they got told off or they had a fight with their friends etc etc.

Not only will this build the conversation between you and your child but also trust and respect. By them developing respect and a better understanding they will find it harder to lie as their emotions will be able to connect with the situation....helping them understand how your feeling. Which really is what you want ...right??

Please try hard NOT to always punish them for lying.......if they are lying they find it hard to talk to you or they are feeling scared of the outcome.........in reality who wants their child to feel scared and unable to talk them....no one. Its up to you as a parent to help those little web bits connect to a better understanding of life.

Good luck, I really hope your situation gets better with your little ones.

I don't know where you are to be considered local. But I am not in England if that's any help to you?

Those techniques sound very good.

It's more a matter of dd flaring up and stamping her feet though, than not listening to me. She will be normal one second and then I may say "XXX will you go get your shoes on?" She sits there, face screwed up, fold her arms and stamp her feet

I don't have any direct experience of this with a girl, but I do agree with the last two posts about control. This unpleasant behaviour is not something you have to just endure - it's bad behaviour just like lying or stealing, and she can learn not to do it (and she should, as it's in her interests to learn that people won't like you if you behave like this). You are in control and you can say "you know speaking to me like that is not nice and hurts my feellings, and if you do it I will not do what you want. So how do you think you could be more polite? Can you find a nicer way of saying that, I bet you can" etc. Also back it up by not responding if she is rude, eg with the breakfast comment, I'd say "Is that someone being very rude I can hear, well I'm going to ignore them until they can find a way of asking more politely." Se it as a project to not put up with it and to stay calm and good-humoured. The relationship you have at the moment is about her getting the control she craves by doing things that affect and upset you - that means she has done something. She won't see it that clearly and probably doesn't intend to be nasty, she's just got into the habit and it's not being challenged.

I don't think it's your fault btw. And I too would find this really hard to bear.

When my little girl ever says that...of which she does sometimes...as remember they are ALWAYS looking for any control for anything...at any time at any age....

I always compromise with my little girl and say OK, well that is not the right way to ask....then I strike up a deal! yes a deal.

I say OK, I will get your shoes if you do something for me. I say I will get your shoes ONLY, if you ask me nicely and when we get home help me bring the shopping in.

She will sit there and decide for about 1 min. Then say ok, we then SHAKE hands....this is very importnant as it is a visual aid for her to see she has agreed to do something.

Always works for me...and you still keep the control but also give her some by leting her decide.

Hope this helps

Clare

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Christ, I could have written some of these posts. I am so relieved that it isn't just me.

Dh and I have been having terrible trouble with our dd1 who is 4. She is charming, entertaining, intelligent, articulate etc. but she can change in an instant, and I find myself disliking her immensely. I won't go in to details, but just wantd to say I shall most definitely be reading the advice and looking for some of these books.

Dh and I feel so sad that we have failed in some way.

You haven't failed. We all have to realise we don't have 100% control over our kids. They are who they are and there is only so much we can do.

Lots of sympathy - your dd sounds similar to mine. She's so attention seeking it drives me mad. She's now worked out that the shouting and whining gets her nowhere so we get a lot of fake niceness which is a bit better I suppose but so irritating! I know it's fake - she has a grumpy, angry personality underneath! Things are gradually improving I think - one thing that worked was pocket money and deducting 10p for unwanted behaviours. We discussed good/bad behaviours together and wrote it all down so she could see it. I have 2 younger children but try to spend time alone with dd1 whenever possible. I know she does get enough attention - she just always wants more. Like your dd she has threatened to leave home on many occasions - I was surprised this started so young (she's just turned 6). I do think a lot of it is lack of control over her own temper, so I try to control mine!

Last summer she & I had 2 days a week alone for us time, as the little one spent time with my MIL. We both loved it, but she often bored of my company.

Tbh I know I pick a lot So I also need to change my attitude towards her.

Although dh knows I find her hard work, he fails to understnad why or how.. he always says "I don't know why you let her get to you so much, all she needs is a good talking to!" That's not the case!

Thank you all so much for making me feel normalish.

I just don't want her spending her money on psychiatrists later in her life, when I may have the power and willingness to change things now.

Thanks for the book recommendations, I will have a look at the synopsis of them and choose from there.

My DH also can't see why I find dd so difficult. He's much more of the parenting-by-instinct/don't over-analyse school of thought! There is something to be said for that approach - mums always feel guilt and that it must be our fault. Good Luck!

OMG, I almost started a thread just like this last night Had a long talk with dh about my problems coping with ds1. He handles it so much better and can't really understand why it is so much harder for me to deal with.

These posts could be from me too One of my twins age 7 nearly 8 is the same and I find myselftreating her differently to the others She is like me and we clash constantly.
Our problems with her go deeper unfortunately and she is not just like it with me, her treatment of her sisters and other children is sometimes appalling and quite cruel

Its a hard situation to be in and as paremnts we do the very best for our children but they don't come with instructions (I wish!!) so we learn as we go and any help from others is great x

this could be me and my dd too. I love her to bits but find her behaviour unbearable soemtimes and end up taking it all personally.
We do seem to be doing a little better now it's the holidays and she's relaxed and we're finding time to spend just the two of us.
I'm going to read through the thread for tips...

I emphathise completely with you. It is truly a hard time for you. You really do need some support and maybe some time off. Difficult - as you know that the behaviour only returns when they come back to you!! After a particularly bad week with 3 year old I have been very saddened that I have shouted at her in desperation for her to listen to me. I know this is the worst thing I can do (other than physically harm her). I did sit her down the other morning, on my lap, and told her how sad I was that I was shouting at her (she pleads with me sometimes not to shout (in tears now). We agreed that if she would do as I asked the next day she could have treat. The very next morning she was excellently behaved and asked for a sticker (her choice). It has not lasted but I do think more positive input works (very hard to do when it all seems to be falling apart around you). I am going to look at some of the books suggested on here as I too need help with this one.

do you think as she is getting older that she is not your little girl any more and is exhibiting her independence which i'm sure is hard? my bro when about 4 packed a teddy & pj's in his suitcase and said he was going to live with grandad. walked off down the street to the bus stop . it may be just a phase. keep persevering

Brownsuga. Infact, my DH thinks that this is the case with my DD. If you can find a reason, it is so much easier to deal with. I suppose I am pleased that she is wanting to be her own person but I wish she would do it more quietly and respectfully!

my son is the same, but He has got much better with age.

I think my son though is very strong willed (Even teachers say it at school!) and by nature likes to be in charge. He is very independent too.

Luckily im strong willed too-so over the years he has finally started to learn that im the boss. But he doesnt lik eit, and always makes his feelings known.

It has got easier-but i remember the attitude, etc-he is even being demanding now as i type!

Strong willed is how loads of people decsribe our dd1. And spirited is another one. I am just worried that she is going to have a nightmare at "big school" in September. I guess time will tell.

I've been reading "Raising Your Spirited Child" and it does seem to fit ds1. HAsn't made things much easier yet, though

I have that book too. Have only flicked through it though as never any time to sit and read.

I know I got halfway through a few months ago then put it aside. Got it out again after this thread started. It really is a great book. Have read tons of helpful things just in the last few days.

Sorry you are feeling like this. Thing is girls are not as easy as boys. I have a complicated relationship with my DD and I really do love her. She is a stroppy madam too. I so related to the "wierdo" comment.

My strategy was to arrange a morning/afternoon out every so often which is just us. Not including the other sibling (that means you have to arrange two lots of these btw). Not doing chores or anything, just recreational time where we can sit or walk and chat a lot. We go to Waterstones, get a book, grap a latte, wander around. Go swimming. Whatever. I'd like a long bracing walk with the dog, but that's not what she wants to do.

Our relationship improved tenfold after we started doing that. Think my DD was jealous of her younger sibling and all the other demands on my time.