11 yr old with behaviour issues

[kaur1983]

Hi, my son started secondary school in sept. At first he was very anxious about it but as soon as he started , he felt better and I was relieved. However the last 3 weeks especially his behaviour has been appalling. I've had 4 phone calls in one week from different teachers telling me his behaviour is not acceptable. He's been involved in a fight which was instigated by another boy and I thought maybe he's been bullied and made allowances. However his behaviour is general is so bad in the classroom now that he's distrupting the class constantly. I have asked him if he finds the work difficult and he says no. He said he has friends and he takes part in sports activities , but for the life of me I can't understand why he acts this way at school. It's almost like the forgets he need to focus and drifts off into his own world. He's starting to show frustration when he gets told off now aswell. Parents evening next week and I'm dreading it! Any suggestions. I will be talking to his form teacher about senco. He used to have weekly counselling sessions for anxiety in year 6 - took me years to push the school to put that into place. Help!

Hormones are flying at this age and the transition to secondary school can cause flare ups in behaviour- how was he as a younger child when dealing with discipline?

On the whole you have two options- the first being very hard and firm. If you get a call from school you take away something that he loves for the evening- iPad/PlayStation/ playing out with friends- whatever he enjoys the most. Tell him that his behaviour not only has terrible consequences for himself (he won’t be applying himself and will miss vital education) but also for the rest of the class who have to wait constantly to be taught while their teacher is busy trying to deal with his behaviour. If it continues, move on to grounding him, remove any treats/ sweets/ Friday night take away and explain that while his behaviour is so poor he doesn’t deserve to get treats. It’s harsh but it’s clear and if you follow through every time he will know what to expect. Also tell the school that you want him to be treated sternly and not softly so that what happens at school is mirrored at home. Clear and firm boundaries is really helpful, especially when dealing with pre teens as behaviour can escalate in teens if not tackled early on.

The second softer option would be to ask the school for more counselling- most schools will have some sort of social/ emotional help. Also if you’re worried about SEN problems go to your gp, or ask the school for a referral to be tested, there are lots of things that can be put in place to help. Don’t let SEN issues be an excuse for poor behaviour though- that’s a mistake many parents make, I have seen children with severe ADHD manage to make positive changes to their behaviour. If it’s an anxiety issues again asking a gp for help is a good idea, he can be referred for counselling although there will be a long waiting list.
Constant reminders that he is loved, lots of positive interaction at home- even if it’s just playing a game with him with whatever he plays on the most. Encouraging conversation about school in a positive way and focus on the things he has achieved at school and really hype them up. Let him know how proud you are of him for getting through one day without any incidents.

Both ways can have good results- just depends which way you think your child will respond best to. Good luck and remember these things take time but as long as you’re trying and not ignoring the issues you are doing the best things for him and being a great mum.

It seems as though you would like posters to say oh yes well push for extra councilling it obviously worked before, but has it it, In my day an SEN was a nurse, anyone caught fighting was sent to the head, he would ascertain if bullying had taken place, if not both would get the cane, we would have to shake hands and go about our business. the same for anyone disrupting the class, go the head, get caned, come back and get on with school work. Now, its over to you, discuss the circumstances of the fight, get the lo-down from the teacher, make a decision follow it through. I find non-custodial best, so if you take something away, at least he can do something else. He told you that the the disruptive behaviour is not because the work is too hard, so extra support is not the answer, he is being defiant because he knows his teacher can't do anything except phone you. So there's the answer, you have got to be more assertive, and be very strict with him, only problem is that he is not a 5YO now, so all you can do is encourage him and explain that the schooling and grades are important. Best wishes.

Hi, I would welcome advice too, for my son who has just started year 7. We havecterribke behaviour at home not helped by my 5 year old daughter who just started reception. This was my morning just now:
My 5 year old daughter was crying as she wanted me to draw with her. I did spend some time with her but I then needed to get ready. She really started crying relentlessly. My son came down and shouted at her to shut up. Of course the crying only got worse. My dd had stopped watching the tv so my DBS started to read teletext. Dd got even more crying and wouldn't watch my phone. Ds said dd could have the tv when he'd finished reading tele text. This took ages and dd got even more agitated. He then gave dd the tv but started giving her the evil stare which send her screaming. He then told me to go away and he wasn't going to school. He then put his feet on dd's table. I moved dd to the dining room with my phone. I went in the shower. I heard dd screaming again. I can only assume ds wound her up. When I came out of the shower I couldn't open the door. Ds was holding it closed. I just stood there saying and doing nothing. He started kicking the door. I said I love you and forgive you, I am sorry for whatever it is you are cross with me for. I started singing nice songs..... He opened the door to tell me to shut up. I wedged my foot in the door and warned him not to break my foot. He was quite rough. I managed to force my way out. He pinned me against the wall in the hall. I asked him what he was angry about. He said everything to do with dd. I said I was sorry and I started singing again. He shoved me and stomped off slamming the sitting room door. I feel really shaken and upset. I don't know how to deal with these moments which keep happening. He came up to do his teeth and hugged me from behind. I guess to say sorry.

I told him I loved him, I forgave him and I was sorry. He said dd is going to bed later than he did at that age and gets a full packet of crisps when he only got half at that age. We were much stricter with him. We prefer dd. I said we love both of you the same. My dh gets home at 6.55pm which is later than when ds was little so it's hard to get dd to bed for 7pm. Crisps - I can sort that but hus reaction seems extreme.

I’m going through the same situation so would welcome any advice.
My son is 11 and started high school in sept, he was very anxious about starting so much so that he was in tears on his transition days and I had to literally force him into the car and hand him over to teacher! Luckily it only took him a week or so to settle in and he is really enjoying it now much to my relief!
The problem is his behaviour at home is appalling. If he can’t get his own way or you tell him no he gets rude, aggressive, throws things, swears and lashes out at me. He’s been grounded a few times and he had his Xbox took off him. I’m finding his behaviour very challenging and sometimes it just makes me so upset I start crying around him. He used to be such a sweet, loving boy 😞

I am sorry you are having a difficult time too. I am realising we are not alone and this behaviour is quite common. It's so upsetting though. I did do an online chat on a parenting helpline. They were quite helpful and sent me links to some useful reading - I am yet to look at it yet though. I wish you a less bumpy year 7.