Daily battles with 9yo daughter

[brednall]

Hi. I have a 9yo (10 in January) daughter who I seem to be constantly battling with. I also have an 8yo son who seems to get caught up in it all too. It's often over small things but it is also often over consistent things such as not flushing the toilet, not cleaning her teeth before school, sneaking sweets and chocolate when she has had plenty to eat already and hiding them in her room, being constantly on her tablet from the minute we get home or straightaway after meals.

I often feel at my wits end and it has reduced me to tears on several occasions. The outbursts can come from nowhere and over nothing but it ends up with her screaming back at me at every word I say.

I have told both my children that tablet-time is being limited to an hour a day from now on but I just don't know how to tackle the attitude problem. She is very well behaved at school and dance classes (or at least I haven't heard of any bad behaviours) so any suggestions would be most welcome.

Hi OP, giving this a little bump for you.

I would just be frank with her regarding the loo that it's gross not to flush, and let her argue till she starts flushing. With teeth brushing I would explain that it's not nice for other people if her breath smells, and her teeth might rot and become sore. Can you set a time limit on the tablet so that she can't use it for more than an hour?
If you want to do more gentle parenting then I guess tick chart for brushing teeth and then gets a reward at the end of it.
Do you offer her sweet things etc after dinner or are you quite strict with them? The easiest option is to have a very limited supply of sweet things so there is nothing to sneak.

Oh and my Dd2 (7yo) can sometimes be a big screamer, I downloaded a few mindfulness apps and told her to try them when she is calm so that when she is stressed she knows how to deal with it better. I've heard her using the breathing techniques sometimes when she's upset so it may well help your daughter, and also to encourage her to talk about whatever is really bothering her as I doubt it's being told off for not flushing the toilet.

Hi, first install a good parental control on the tablet (Google Family Link if it's android, Family sharing if it's apple, both free) and set in that the limit of maximum screen time to 1 hour a day (strongly recommended by experts), in addiction to block it at night and one hour before bedtime (to avoid over excitement and consequent bad sleep).

Second thing, if you haven't already made it, fix a bedtime and stick with it. This is extremely important for her development and affect a lot her mood during the daytime. Consider a 9yo needs at least 10 and half hour of sleep (consider doctors recommend 12h at 5yo, 10 at 12yo and 9 at 16yo).

The same for healthy eating, it has effects on her mood too.

Then pin to a wall a behavior/consequence chart (look online for something like "if/then chart"). It makes clear which are the home rules, what is expected and what is the best thing for her, in addiction to let her be totally aware of the consequences of her behaviour. To work it's very very important you are totally consistent with the consequences, without exceptions. Set punishments that work, time out, early bedtime, additional chores, loosing tablet for the rest of the day or/and next one... if you can find natural consequences it is even better. I would add rewards for additional good behaviour or reached goals, but not for the standard ones (like flushing the toilet).

I would explain also maturity is making the best choices, that corresponds to following home rules and doing what parents say, tell her you love her and you know she is able to do that. The chart is just a help to push her to do that but she can do it also all by herself. If she needs to understand something or a help she can always talk to you anytime.

Hope this works!

Children are forgetful at the best of times, but tablets are a bit like a good book you dont want to put down. I agree with you limiting tablet time, and they should stop at least an hour before bed. There will be a constant battle, but the difference is they should not be allowed to shout back, it is disrespectful. That should have been nipped in the bud between 5 & 6YO, that said, you need to work in the now. Ensure both siblings have space, DD will be going through puberty and her hormones will be going mad. Ensure they both have fresh-air & exercise, and tell DD if she forgets to flush the loo, she can clean the loo saturday morning. Try not to nag her, or be constantly negative, and dont set your sights too high. Children leave lights on, leave doors open, forget to flush the toilet, and skimp on brushing teeth and washing hands. Your job is to keep them safe, anything outside of that doesn't really matter. Use the time they're off the tablet to play games with them, discuss life, and enjoy their company,